Today’s topic: There is nothing to lose in seeking the God of my understanding except my false pride, my food obsession, my fat and all the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. ~For Today, p. 32
I overslept and missed my f2f meeting so I attended an online meeting this morning. I love today’s topic. I know it was all in divine order that I attend this meeting.

First of all, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Overworked and overtired is not good for this compulsive overeater. I haven’t been making the best food choices lately. While I haven’t turned to my binge foods, I haven’t been eating really healthy foods either and I have been drinking more caffeine than usual. These choices start a vicious cycle – lack of sleep, poor food choices, yucky workouts or I skip them, anger at myself for not being perfect, anger and impatience with others and situations, and then I beat myself up…. It goes on….

Earlier this week I found myself debating on whether or not I should just give up, buy a bag a jelly beans, and accept that I will continue abusing food and my body for the rest of my life. Thankfully, I reached out to my sponsor and her response was exactly what I needed to hear: I’m sorry the disease is talking to u… This was exactly the moment of clarity I needed. I had been sitting at my desk, not having a conversation with myself, but my irrational dis-ease. I took a deep breath and made a cup of tea. As soon as I was done with work for the day, I rushed to my meditation cushion.

There’s a Zen saying: You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. My usual meditation time is 30 minutes. For the past couple of weeks, I have whittled it down to 15 minutes. There have been really busy days when I have skipped it. So, I set my timer for 30 minutes and sat my butt on my cushion. I have been meditating for 30 minutes a day since then. I so need this daily time of stillness. This is my time to spend in quiet contemplation with the God of my understanding.

Yesterday I realized how I have managed to slip back into little habits that have been upsetting my inner peace. If my mind is chaotic, it will begin manifesting on the outside. If my relationship with Spirit is not strong, then my program begins to weaken. I am grateful for today’s reminder to cultivate my spirituality and all the physical aspects of this dis-ease can (and will be) healed.

One I am in alignment with Spirit, I can see things as the truly are. Just this morning, I was about to get upset about something when I realized it was just my bruised ego and had nothing to do with the other person. I need to mind my own business. I have my own life to manage and right now I have plenty to work on. I have been too caught up in illusions instead of enjoying the realities in my life. I have much to be grateful for.

My False pride. I admit that I have allowed false pride and my ego to get in the way of my progress lately. Things do not have to be perfect, Sheila. All I need to do is try my best and leave the rest to Spirit. I also need to stop feeling sorry for myself when things do not go my way. Once I admit that I am still clinging to old beliefs that no longer serve me, I can do what needs to be done. Change can sometimes be very uncomfortable, but that’s okay. It’s okay to have high standards for myself. I just need to make sure they’re realistic. For example, I beat myself up over getting anything less than an A in my nutrition class. I have to remind myself that learning the material is what is important. It’s not like I’m taking the course for college credit anyhow.

My Food Obsession. I haven’t had a jelly belly in over two years. What would possess, yes, possess me to start thinking about them now??? My recent thoughts about food are nothing more than a reflection of my spiritual fitness. The healthier my spirituality, the fewer obsessive food thoughts I will have. Just as I have learned that my physical health must be maintain on a daily basis, the same goes for my spiritual health.

My Fat. I haven’t weighed myself in two weeks. I know that as long as I keep working my program the weight will come off. Sometimes I am so frustrated. I have lost over 80 pounds but can’t seem to get rid of these last 40 or so pounds. I will keep working my program and leave the rest to my Higher Power. I will not give up hope!

I love the last phase in today’s topic: …the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. I could go on and on but the plain and simple of it is that I have an illness when it comes to food. It is a spiritual illness and the only remedy is the God of my understanding. Unless I rely on my God, I will dwell on the sick illusions that will continue to multiply. I have seen the evidence of this during the past couple of weeks. It started with dwelling on the past which lead to the insomnia which lead to my body and mind being tired which lead to me not going to the gym as much which lead to cravings for sugar and salt to feel better which lead to feels of anger toward myself and impatience with others which led to my inability to meditate and so on and so on and so on…. For me, the God of my understanding is the only antidote.