Romanticizing the Food

I’m having a hard time right now. I just reached out to my sponsor who gave me the inspiration for this writing. She made an observation that I was “kind of romanticizing the food.” She was being kind. There is no “kind of” about it. I’m having a love affair with all the memories of my compulsive overeating and bingeing. Yet, I’m only romanticizing part of the story --the sugary sweet highs while ignoring all the yucky diarrhea, high blood sugar, and excess fat lows.

What I need to remind myself about is the ugly part of my food romance. I can start by remembering how out of control I was, having cupcakes and boxes of Crunch and Munch with coffee for breakfast. Yeah, got a rush, a rush of diarrhea that wouldn’t stop me from continuing onto bags of potato chips and hunks of cheese for lunch. Dinner usually consisted of pizza or some other takeout food. I would end the day feeling stuffed and miserable. It didn’t stop there. Then, I’d have a huge bowl of popcorn with lots and lots of butter. In between these “meals” I would eat jelly bellies and Mike and Ikes. I would often wake up in the middle of the night to have ice cream and chips or more buttered popcorn. Sometimes I’d even go out for a French fries run.

I could barely move. I had trouble walking up and down the stairs in the house. I could barely go anywhere that required a lot of walking. It was a struggle for me to find clothes and shoes that fit.

While I thought I enjoyed eating all that food, I was actually miserable. This is what the Buddhist call “dukkha” or suffering –the endless cycling of craving and aversion. I crave sugary sweet to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Right now, I want to avoid feeling yucky. I think I’m just tired from all this swimming I’ve been attempting to do. I’ve been in the pool four days straight. While I’ve been having fun, it is hard work.

Anyhow, going forward, I plan to be more balanced when it comes to my food cravings. When I reminisce about all the so-called “good” about being in the food, I also need to remember all the misery.

Issues in Control

Lessons in Control For the past couple of weeks I’ve really had to take steps not to want to control people, places, and things. I’ve great reminders that I have control over no-thing! The first situation involves one of the persons I sponsor. I haven’t heard from her since the holidays began. While I hesitate to rush to judgment about what this means, I think I know what’s happened. She also went MIA during the Halloween and Thanksgiving holidays. I do my best to give the people I sponsor their space and dignity to work their programs. I am merely an instrument and guide. However, I am VERY annoyed that it’s been over a week and she has not returned my call or bothered to send me an email. I know it’s the dis-ease. We can do very hurtful, thoughtless, selfish, and destructive things to ourselves and others. Yesterday I found myself taking all this very personal. It’s not about me. I know she’s probably in a lot of pain and the best thing I can do is pray for her and wait for her to reach out.

The other one concerns my family. They are so out of control it’s not funny. I’m very frustrated with everyone in my family right now. The best thing I can do is distance myself a bit. There’s nothing I can do about any of it. I’m not even ready to start writing about what’s going on.

Then there’s my meditation group. I love my little sangha. As I was thinking about the things I’d like to contribute to the group, I really want everyone to be more disciplined about meditation and I think our discussions need more structure. I also want to get away from guided meditation. If we are saying we practice Vispassana meditation, we need to practice it correctly. Since attending the meditation retreat, I see how our group has many opportunities to improve. While I do not consider myself a meditation teacher, I do believe I can share what I’ve learn. Anyhow, I did less guiding in our meditation session last week. When I asked for feedback about the session, I learned some are not even meditating on a regular (I’m guilty too). Anyhow, all week I have been contemplating whether or not I’m going to bring this up during tonight’s meeting. I feel it’s important to say something. HOWEVER, I feel that part of my motivation is based in a need for control instead concern.

I am very grateful for the awareness I have about my need to control people, places, and things. I do think it’s hard to see opportunities and not what to see improvements in things. However, all I can do is focus my opportunities and areas of improvements. So, I will work on my program so that I am a spiritually fit sponsor, I will stop taking inventory of my family members, and I will continue working on my meditation practice and lead by example.

Chips

Well, this year is certainly off to a rocky start! My stomach was upset all day today and all I wanted to smoothe whatever is troubling me is a huge bag of potato chips. I've been abstinent for over two years and these cravings and urges still hit me like a Mack truck! I did what any willing compulsive overeater would do. I reached out to my sponsor and told her what I was thinking. I believe as long as I'm honest and tell my sponsor what I'm plotting it makes it more difficult to follow through with my thoughts. My sponsor helps me stay accountable to my program. I am so grateful for the willingness to do the right thing. I am bound and determined to get to my healthy goal weight this year. The only way I'm going to get there is by being honest and working the steps. More than anything else staying abstinent is about my spiritual fitness in addition to my physical fitness. The only chips I will have are my OA chips. I'm looking forward to getting my 3-years chip in October!

Monkey Mind

I really wonder what the Universe is trying to say. I don’t know if this is a test or what!?! Yesterday was a pretty rough day after that dream about my ex. Today has been great. I thought I lost my Fitbook but someone left it at the desk at the gym. Hooray! I was elated! I was off this morning to go to the lab for bloodwork and run some errands. I stayed on plan and didn’t stop to eat out. Yay! Now, I'm working this afternoon and I receive an email from someone with the same first and last name as my ex. WTF! The mind is all over the place! I thought I’d done all the forgiveness and release from resentment work that I needed to do…in fact, I have been feeling pretty neutral about the past … until that dream. I guess there’s more work to do. Going to meditate on this….

Acceptance

So, I log into Facebook and see that a high school acquaintance has updated her profile picture. She’s bald and beautiful! She goes on to explain that she has Alopecia and has finally decided to cut her hair and embrace her condition. I found this so courageous and inspirational!

I have Hashimoto’s Disease which causes me to lose my hair. Well, actually, it’s probably more from the side effects of Synthroid. It eventually grows back but over the past three years the growth has been thinner and thinner. I thought about shaving my head back in 2008. Now I have this new sense of inspiration to embrace the fact that I am slowing losing my hair and just shave it off. I don’t even want to wear a wig. I’ll just be bald and beautiful!

I sent her a message. It turns out that she also lives in the Atlanta area so we’re going to get together to chat about her journey. Spirit is awesome. You never know why people are in your lives. I see this as part of my journey of recovery and learning to accept life on life’s terms. So, today, I am taking the first step and sharing this with a few people. So far the response has been awesome! It is truly a blessing to know that there are people who love you for you.

Effort, not Outcome

Just a quick update on my fifth step...last week was a very busy week for both me and my sponsor so scheduling my fifth step was pushed back until next week.

I just had a nice chat with my sponsor about something that has been bothering me. I've had this nagging feeling for the past couple of weeks. Last night I was able to identify it.

I am beginning to question whether or not I've been abstinent. I have been following my food plan to the best of my ability. I have not touched any of my trigger foods. Yet, something still didn't feel "right" to me. Last night the light bulb went off.

When I started in this program, it was because I was beginning to gain back some of the weight I had lost on my own. I released additional weight while on OA. However, as I approach almost a year abstinence, I feel like I should be at my normal weight by now. In the back of my mind, I still have that goal weight in mind.

Last night I journalled about it and reminded myself about not touching any of my trigger foods and how that is a miracle in itself. I also reminded myself that am I on a journey, not a destination.

My sponsor shared that she also has similar thoughts that she will no longer have certain thoughts and feelings about her body, weight, or food. She was very honest and reminded me about my food diary that I have been turning in to her. She can see for herself that I have been abstinent. She also encouraged me to focus on the efforts of working my program, not the outcome. The most helpful thing she reminded me about was my character defect with having certain expectations. This gets me into trouble all the time.

At yesterday's meeting I shared about how I have to constantly remind myself about doing Step 3. My self-will gets in the say of so many things in my life.

Decision Time - Part II

4. How do I feel about completely turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

This is still a challenge for me. I know it is because of my previous belief system about how God works in my life. There is also a huge part of me that has been so disappointed in the past when I did ask for guidance and felt I did not get it. I know that my HP was not the problem and that I was not able to receive the guidance correctly because I was not in my right mind.

5. Do I have eating guidelines? Will I ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day? Explain.

Yes. There are certain foods I have decided to avoid. Another guideline is portion control. I also try to keep my calories within a certain range. I have to admit I do not always ask God for the willingness to live within these guidelines. There are days I take it for granted that I will be abstinent. I do pray before my meals and express gratitude for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinent for all COEs.

There are days, I resent my eating guidelines. I hate all the measuring. Lately I have been sloppy with my portions. When I get like this, I go back to foods I know I can eat without measuring because I have eaten them so often and know the portion without having to measure.

6. If occasionally the obsession returns, how do I get through these times without overeating?

Lately I have been eliminating the amount of food I keep in my apartment. The best thing for me to do is bookend my meals with my sponsor reminding myself that I am done with my meal. I will also avoid situations when I am not sure I can follow my program. I will eat my meal at home before going to a social event.

7. How do I reach the decision to turn my will and life over to a Higher Power?

I do this by reminding myself how powerless I am over food and how my life became unmanageable. I also remind myself how much better I feel when I do surrender.

On Vacation

Well, I am on vacation. Today when I logged off my computer I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Hell, being on vacation meant it was time to pig out and eat a bunch of junk food.

First, there was the sadness that I am on vacation alone this year. It’s going to take some getting used to. Second, I understand food wasn’t going to be a central part either. No partner. No junk food. Boy, oh, boy. What am I going to do?

My sponsor and I came up with an action plan last night. I hate keeping food logs. I normally don’t have to submit my food to my sponsor…just yes or no that I followed my plan. However, I do feel it is important for me to be very concise about what I am going to be eating. So, I am going to submit my food and/or take a photo of it and text it to her. Yikes!

Now, this is in addition to bookending my meals. I also need to attend at least one face-to-face meeting during my vacation. Haha! It appears there is no vacation from being a compulsive overeater.

I Want to be Free!

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m not sure if I’ve already written about this but it has been on my mind all day long today. I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale. I shared this with my sponsor about three weeks ago and I still haven’t done anything about it. The fact that I haven’t put the scale away further lets me know I need to do so. So, why haven’t I?

I weigh myself at least three or four times a day. Actually, it’s probably more like five or six times. Truthfully, I started writing this because I’m sitting here trying not to go weigh myself. Anyhow…
The other day I was praying about this behavior. The answer I received is that it’s not that I can’t put the scale away; it’s that I won’t put it away. Bingo! Woop, there it is! Yep, that’s it – self will…stubbornness.
I guess that’s why it’s bothering me so much today. I am not going to be totally free until I am willing to surrender all to Spirit and my program. I can’t do things my way. My way hasn’t worked in the past so why am I even trying to go there?

I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale yet I am so afraid not to be without it. My sponsor was so brave the other day. She went to an appointment and didn’t even ask the nurse her weight. I was blown away! The poor girl at my doctor’s office already knows my routine. She’s tell me my weight and look for my previous weight because she knows I’m going to ask.

So, I was thinking about this so-called problem today and it’s because I went so long without a scale and not knowing how much I weighed. It wasn’t until I was ill and went to the doctor that I realized I weighed 310 pounds. I vowed I would never weigh over 300 pounds. Yet, I’m somehow under the illusion that if I’d had a scale it would have never happened. This is total B.S. Owning or not owning a scale had/has nothing to do with my weight gain/loss.
I’m somehow under the illusion that when I bought the scale I started losing weight. This is total B.S. too. When I started paying attention to what I was eating and exercising, the only thing the scale did is help me monitor my weight. I would have lost weight despite the scale.
Now with all this analysis and reasoning, I still can’t put the scale away. Even when I was at the gym today, I was plotting…even if I put the scale away, I could weigh myself at the gym…once a week…let’s see…if I put the scale away, I’ll still be able to get my weight when I go to the doctor on April 1…no, that’s too long…. UGH! What the hell is wrong with me??? Just put it away!

UPDATE: Well, I finally did it. After reading the passage in For Today on Wednesday, March 28, there was no way I could not put away the scale. I had to let go of my self will and trust my HP.