Romanticizing the Food

I’m having a hard time right now. I just reached out to my sponsor who gave me the inspiration for this writing. She made an observation that I was “kind of romanticizing the food.” She was being kind. There is no “kind of” about it. I’m having a love affair with all the memories of my compulsive overeating and bingeing. Yet, I’m only romanticizing part of the story --the sugary sweet highs while ignoring all the yucky diarrhea, high blood sugar, and excess fat lows.

What I need to remind myself about is the ugly part of my food romance. I can start by remembering how out of control I was, having cupcakes and boxes of Crunch and Munch with coffee for breakfast. Yeah, got a rush, a rush of diarrhea that wouldn’t stop me from continuing onto bags of potato chips and hunks of cheese for lunch. Dinner usually consisted of pizza or some other takeout food. I would end the day feeling stuffed and miserable. It didn’t stop there. Then, I’d have a huge bowl of popcorn with lots and lots of butter. In between these “meals” I would eat jelly bellies and Mike and Ikes. I would often wake up in the middle of the night to have ice cream and chips or more buttered popcorn. Sometimes I’d even go out for a French fries run.

I could barely move. I had trouble walking up and down the stairs in the house. I could barely go anywhere that required a lot of walking. It was a struggle for me to find clothes and shoes that fit.

While I thought I enjoyed eating all that food, I was actually miserable. This is what the Buddhist call “dukkha” or suffering –the endless cycling of craving and aversion. I crave sugary sweet to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Right now, I want to avoid feeling yucky. I think I’m just tired from all this swimming I’ve been attempting to do. I’ve been in the pool four days straight. While I’ve been having fun, it is hard work.

Anyhow, going forward, I plan to be more balanced when it comes to my food cravings. When I reminisce about all the so-called “good” about being in the food, I also need to remember all the misery.