Step 2 Writing

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

During today’s meeting we read Step 2 in the OA 12 + 12. I’ve read this chapter many times yet today so many things struck me. It started last night. I realized that my HP, God, has been speaking to me through so many people this week. First it was a quote one of my friends on Facebook posted:

"Relationships never end, because they're of the mind; only bodies can separate. When you're missing someone, know it just means that on a soul level they've come to visit." ~ ♥ Marianne Williamson

This quote was right on time! Earlier that morning I had been thinking about my mother, missing her so much, and beating myself up about it. She made her transition in 1998! So this quote shifted my perspective from thinking that I was hopelessly still mourning my mother’s transition to something very powerful and positive.

The second message came when I shared a thought I have been having lately with my sponsor. I have been very frustrated with myself because I have been obsessing about food, what I can’t have, what I want, why I have to measure my food, why I should continue keeping a food journal, etc. I have been seeing all these wonderful ideas about things to serve at Super Bowl parties and thinking I can’t have any of it. Anyhow, I questioned why I was still having all these thoughts when I thought abstinence was all about the elimination of obsessive food thoughts. My sponsor wisely replied that she occasionally has these thoughts and that they will go away in HP’s time. Again, a shift in my perspective –I want things to happen in my time -- which I have no control over anything. Let go, let God! As a result, for the remainder of the week, I have had the most peaceful time working my food plan.

Thursday was Spin class. Even though I was tired all day, I was so looking forward to it. For whatever reason, class was very hard for me. Fifteen minutes into it I thought about getting off the bike and leaving. Instead, I closed my eyes and kept going. I made it through class and even made some improvement. The instructor advised me to take note of our average RPM each class. Last week I was at 51, this week it was 55. Yet, I was feeling so down and discouraged, telling myself I was way too fat and out of shape for this class. When the instructor said we should be going at least 70, I was at 50, and so on. I was struggling with the resistance, too! The previous week she advised me to focus on resistance and the speed would come. Yet, I still felt discouraged. As I was leaving, she smiled at me and said good job. I went to my car and cried. Part of it was feeling sorry for myself, I also felt embarrassed that she probably noticed how much I was struggling, the rest was gratitude. I needed some encouragement at that time.

Then, last night, out of the blue, one of my fitness pals wrote a comment on my page – “the old you would envy the new you.” I have no idea, except that it was God, why he wrote that. While I would say “admire instead of envy”, he is exactly right. The old Sheila is so very proud of the “new” Sheila. Here was yet another angel, another reminder to just keep doing what I am doing and leave the rest to God. Each time I had some crazy, off-the-wall thought, my Higher Power was right there to set me straight and restore me to sanity. I am very grateful for a very peaceful, abstinent week.

July Check In

Today I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace…and pain!  I feel so much peace about who I am and where I am on my journey.  So glad I can go through challenging days and not binge over them.  I have been indulging in some self-pity.  I am just accepting that this is where I am and when I'm sick of it I will stop.  No matter how much I dwell on the past it is not going to change.  All I have is now and right now is not so bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.

Yesterday I completed Week Three of my Couch to 5K training.  I am looking forward to running for the first time in a 5K.  I can actually see myself doing it.  I remember the excitement and determination I felt when training to walk my first 5K.  I’m in a similar spot this time and I am going to enjoy it while I can.  The pain comes from my body.  Wow! I know my body is adjusting.  I wish I was about 30 pounds lighter but it is what it is.  If I waited for my ideal conditions, I’d still be waiting.  I’m going to work with what I have right now and it’s going pretty well.  I’m doing my best to rest, stretch, and ice my poor aching joints.  Lol!  I feel like a real athlete.

I’m going to make some adjustments to my food plan for the second half on my training because I plan to introduce my weight training.  My swim lessons start this weekend too.  I do feel my appetite increasing and I do not want to use this as an excuse to overeat.   My plan of action is to stay properly hydrated.  I suspect that I could be confusing thirst for hunger.  I have already starting limiting my consumption of carbs during dinner.  This has helped tremendously with the stomach upset I was experiencing after my walk/run workouts. 

I need to start doing some step work.  I've been doing the bare minimum these days (which could explain when I'm in such a funky space). 

Anger, Resentment, and Acceptance

Dealing with some anger and resentment this week.  Working on acceptance.  I found out my ex may be attending a brunch I was invited to attend.  I can't believe how much anger flooded into my spirit, anger and resentment I thought I had let go of.  This is the most frustrating part.  I'm more angry with myself than I am over the situation.

I wish I was emotionally mature enough to handle taking the risk of running into her but I'm not.  There's still a lot of pain and unresolved issues as far as that's concerned.  I thought I had accepted that I had accepted it.  I thought I had worked on getting closure.  Looks like there's still more work to be done.

This is why I'm angry with myself.  I wish I could move on like others.  My sponsor just says I need to accept where I am right now.  I just know I still feel justified in holding onto this anger.  However, it doesn't matter.  She's sick.  So what! So am I.

I just wish she hadn't been so cold and heartless, especially about not returning my mother's things.  This is what troubles me so.  I know they're long gone.  I just don't understand how she could be so cruel. 

Anyhow, there's a part of me that wants to show up just to confront her...but I won't.  It is funny to be on this side knowing what I now know. It's really fascinating to watch someone who has no clue I really know what's up with her.

The bottom line is how she chooses to live her life is none of my business.  I just need to continue doing my best to keep my side of the street clean.  I am very grateful to God for helping me do this.

I'm abstinent.  I've started jogging.  I also signed up for swim lessons.  I'm excited and scared.  All I can do is continuing working on myself and leave the rest of that stuff to Spirit. 

Facings Fears

Things have been going okay for me.  My food is good.  I'm taking the time to measure my food and complete my food diary.  I had to put my scale away.  It's made me very anxious.  I was so tempted to take it out yesterday but I know I need to leave it alone.  I can't get caught up on that number.  I'm afraid I'll gain weight but I'm also afraid I haven't lost any weight.  Not losing puts me in a whole space of "why bother!" and I can't go there.

I also started my Couch to 5K training.  I'm so afraid of not completing it.  This is my third try but I'm determined to stay healthy and injury-free.  I was planning to start today but an OA friend came along with me two Saturdays ago.  If it wasn't for her, I'd probably still be procrastinating.  Instead, I started Week Two yesterday.

Today I signed up for ---drum roll---swim lessons! I'm scared and excited.  I've been thinking about taking swimming lessons for about three years now.  My first class is July 14.

Celebrate Recovery!

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

Before I post my response to an OA workbook question, I wanted to blog for a bit about my recovery.  I've spent the past couple of days looking at my past.  I felt myself getting down in the dumps so this morning I had to remind myself about what I have accomplished.

Today I have been abstinent 114 days!  I also started daily exercise.  I'm on Day 23.  My goal is to exercise every day this year.  I recently set a personal record.  I can now do 45 minutes of cardio.  Yesterday when I was at the gym, I remember when I could barely do 5 minutes of cardio.  This is when I started thinking about how I need to be more diligent about positive self talk. 

Anyhow, working through the Workbook is definitely bringing up a lot of emotions for me.  I'm so used to running away from my emotions.  I am proud of myself for having the courage to look at myself and change.

The other day someone at a meeting said he felt going through the steps while still compulsive overeating was a waste of time.  Now, I don't know about that but I do know that it would be much more difficult for me to go through these questions if I wasn't abstinent. 

I have so much clarity on mind, body, and spirit right now.  My life is much more peaceful.  I am filled with so much gratitude these day.  So far, I've released 70 pounds.  Thank you, recovery!