Mindfull or Mindful

I saw this photo on Facebook and it speaks so much to what's going on with me right now:

I’m not doing so well today. I’m still dwelling on yesterday. I realize I made a mistake. I went to Subway (no big deal). I’m still upset with myself because I think I should have ordered a 6-inch instead of a footlong. Even though I only eat veggie and cheese, my action plan while eating out is to eat less. I shared how I felt last night with my sponsor. I’ll see how my sponsor responds to my check-in. Usually things that I beat myself up about she doesn’t see the same way. Hopefully I can gain some perspective.

I’m also not happy with myself because I didn’t go to the gym or workout yesterday. One of my goals this year is to be more consistent with my exercise and food plan. However, I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time. I can’t do anything about the choices I made yesterday but I can be mindful of today’s choices.

The Rhythm of Life

The past couple of days have been very challenging. I’m finding it very hard to stay present. The good part is that I remind myself that my thoughts have no power and that I do not have to act them. The hurt and sadness will eventually pass; turning to food will not solve the issue. In fact, nothing will “solve” the issue because I have no control over it. I am powerless over people, places, and things. This thought frustrates me sooooo much but I must accept it if I want serenity.

“When life as it really is becomes a fact that I accept as naturally as I breathe, events lose their power to throw me off balance or disturb the basic rhythm of life.” I’m not sure where I found this quote or who said it but its meaning rings so true for me today. This, too, shall pass.

Going Through the Motions

I’m been having a rough time this week. I am been full of self-pity. I am not happy with the fact that I haven’t lost any weight in months. Although my sponsor does her best to reassure me, I really have to question whether or not I’ve been abstinent. I haven’t been losing any weight. My food plan is designed for me to be working toward a healthy weight.
The truth is I have not had one bite of my trigger foods and I have been working out on a regular basis. However, I could do a better job with my portions. There are days I am lazy about pulling out the measuring cups and spoons. I also need to go back to a strict rule of no eating after 9 pm. I think I need to add getting adequate sleep to my action plan. I haven’t been sleeping well. Fatigue is a huge trigger for me. When I’m tired, it is much more difficult to stay present.

I have been dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. This is a major no-no for me. I need to be present in order to work the steps. If not, I’m just going through the motions. So far this week, I think I have been going through the motions.

I also realize I’ve gone out three times this week. This is odd for me. However, I haven’t felt like spending my evenings home alone. Tonight when I was driving home I really questioned my behavior this week. Do I really want to socialize or am I running away from being alone? Truthfully, I am not sure. I do know that I haven’t been very present this week. Once I get centered, I will be able to get in touch with my true feelings.

Rigorous Honesty

One of the attributes needed for recovery is "rigorous honesty." I've been spending a lot of time thinking about honesty. I guess it means different things to different people. My definition certainly has changed over the last year.

Not too long ago, I discovered someone once very close to me is complusive liar. It's so ironic that I was so close to someone so deceitful while I considered myself a truth seeker. Now, that's God and Its sense of humor. I knew this person told lies. Most of the time it really wasn't worth confronting her about them.

Hell, we all tell lies from time to time, right? Wrong! Not to the extent of this person. To know her, you would never think she was so dishonest and deceitful. It's pretty sad because on the outside she appears to have it all together while on the inside she is a very dark and sick person.

To this day, I am still baffled at all the elaborate lies she told. It takes a lot of energy, creativity, intelligent, and pain to create all those lies -- and for so long. She probably became so accustomed to lying that it became difficult for her to tell the difference between truth and fiction. It just goes to show you how powerful the mind and dis-ease can be. A friend said the difference between someone like her and a mental patient is that the mental patient got caught.

Anyhow, I was thinking about honesty and denial. I don't ever want to be in that space where I cannot tell the difference between the truth and a lie. I've lived in denial long enough. I understand dis-ease can be "cunning, baffling, and powerful." This is why it is important to practice rigorous honesty.

Today when I pulled out my driver's license, I was reminded that I have been in denial (and lying) about something for quite some time -- my weight. I'm sure the people who work at the DMV joke about this all the time. There was a time I weighed over 100 pounds of the weight listed on my driver's license. Right now, I weigh about 25 pounds more. Not bad but still not good. It's not the truth.

My license expires next year. When the time comes, no matter how much I weigh, I'm putting down the correct weight.

Being Present, Staying in the Now

One of the challenges I’ve had in my life is being present. I now recognize how much time I spent dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. When I first joined OA, I found all that “one day at a time” stuff extremely corny. Personally, I like to say, one moment at a time.

This thought alone brings a certain amount of peace and calm to the mind.
The other day, Deepak Chopra posted a tweet that was right on time for me, in that moment. I now have it posted in my office: No regrets and no anticipation, just this moment fresh and as is.

I love it!

Sticks and Stones

Wow! Right now I wish I could throw a few sticks and stones at whoever said ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.’ Lol!

Instead I will remind myself about something I heard a few weeks ago about staying present and not creating a story. When someone throws a cup of water on you, you don’t get pissed or angry or hurt-- you get wet. I have no control over the fact that someone has thrown a cup of water on me. I do have control over how I react. I can look at the facts and see that I’m wet or I can create an elaborate story.

Truth is...I’m creating a story. Sigh!

A Searching, Fearless Inventory

1. Is something keeping me from beginning my “fearless” and “searching” inventory? What?
Yes, there is a small part of me that does not want to go through this again. I spend enough time trying to avoid thinking about the past. I am a bit nervous that looking back is going to put me in a funky space. While I know being in a funky space is a choice, it is a fear I should probably acknowledge.

2. What action, no matter how small, am I willing to take to overcome my procrastination?
I am not really one for procrastination so I am not that worried about it. My desire to recover and remain abstinent is much greater than my fear of completing a 4th step inventory. Fortunately, once I make a decision to do something, I am more than willing to work at making it happen.

3. Am I willing to do a written inventory?
Ew! This was not easy the first time around. There is something about writing down my stuff demands that I stop being in denial about it. The truth continues to set me free!

4. What are some of the ways in which I can do my inventory? What approach will I take?
I like that the OA 12 + 12 says there is no right or wrong way to complete an inventory. I’m open to process. I liked the way I completed the inventory the first time. However, I would like to try a different process this time around. My sponsor tends to be more of a stickler about these things so I will wait and see what she has to say about it.

5. Why is it important for me to take a balanced view of myself?
Good question. I’m not sure I really have a “good” answer. These days “balanced” to me is being totally aware and seeing things as they really are, without judgment. So, in this sense, it is important for me to get a total view of myself without judging myself one way or the other. While I do not think I’m a horrible person, I do spend more take than I’d like beating up myself about people and situations over which I have no control.

Stone Buddha

Meditation meeting was awesome tonight. I love when I get just what I need right when I need it. I'm too sleepy to write about the stone Buddha. Right now, the image is just enough.

Today has been one trying day. I felt my thoughts being pushed into my past. On the other hand, I am also being pulled into a future. I do not want either. Very grateful I know I have a choice.

Right now I want to stay right where I am...in the Now. It is very calm and serene here. I am happy here. Tonight, I am very grateful for this moment.

Thank you, Father, Mother, God, for 300 days of abstinence!

Why am I Angry?

While working through the steps, I have realized just how much of an angry person I had become. I had no idea I was full of so much anger and resentment. I was angry because I couldn’t get my way. I was angry because I couldn’t control things. I was angry because I felt mistreated and misunderstood in my life. The list goes on….

One of the lessons I am learning through program is acceptance.
For me, this means living in the present moment and accepting things just as they are. “Stay in the Now” is my motto.

I don't always do a good job with staying in the now. I have a tendency to stew about how things were the past or worry about how things should be in the future.

I am learning to live joyfully in the present and I am finding peace and serenity like I’ve never experienced in my life.
I am grateful for this program. I have been abstinent for six months. The anger fades and each day I find a little more to be joyful about.
Last week I ran across a quote that said something like…

When it comes to the past, you can choose to be bitter or better. I choose to be better – one day at a time.

Miracle Miles

I went out of town this weekend to attend a memorial service. I am sharing this because I went to remember the miracles which occurred. I love road trips. In fact, I love weekend trips. They were another excuse to eat a bunch of fast/junk food.

I am so happy to share that I drove over 900 miles this weekend and did not eat any fast food. Every once and while the Golden Arches would sing out to me, but I just kept on driving.

I saw my father during this trip. I love my father but we tend to butt heads if we’re in the same room too long. Usually, I would just try to suck it up until I can’t take it anymore and then explode. One of the ways I would have dealt with my Dad was to eat to numb my feelings. This weekend, I stayed present and actually had a nice time. I didn’t force myself to be around my Dad any longer than I wanted to. The old Sheila would have felt very guilty about it. I also thought it was weird when my sister started complaining about my Dad I defended him.

I knew my Dad was going to be there. A few cousins who I hadn’t seen in a decade were also there. I was able to interact with them without much anxiety.

All weekend I did not allow myself to be pressured into doing things I did not want to do. When my Dad’s wife called and asked me to come over, I politely said no. When they tried to convince me to stay longer, I politely said no. I did feel a bit guilty about not staying longer but I got over it quickly.

I was absolutely amazed at how well I did with honoring and taking care of me. On the ride home, my sponsor I shared the miracles I had witnessed all weekend.

Action, not Reaction

One of the many lessons I learned while working the steps was how often I reacted to a situation instead of acting. There’s a big difference. For me, the difference is my focus. When I am reacting, I am focusing on the other. When I am acting, my focus is on me and my journey.

Today’s question asks what actions do I take daily to help me continue my recovery. This is the basis of Step 10.

Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized I have been abstinent 140 days. I could not have come this far without the help of Spirit/God, my wonderful sponsor (we’re getting along wonderfully, by the way,) my OA fellows, and taking action.

Each day I begin my day by checking in with my sponsor and I read For Today.

Meditation is also a very essential part of my recovery and spiritual practice. I was just sharing with someone that other day how I am beginning to realize that meditation is key in helping me stay present and awareness.

I also pray every day. Each day I pray for me and my sponsor that we end the day in peace and abstinence. I also pray and say grace before each meal. I give thanks for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinence for my OA fellows – whether they’re in program or not. I add that part because I like how my face to face meeting ends by praying for those who still suffering from COE.

At the end of the day, I submit my food plan and complete a check in list, a gratitude list, and a Step 10 inventory to my sponsor.
These are the actions I take on a daily basis, without fail.

On a regular basis, I attend meetings, listen to recovery podcasts, read recovery books, reach out to other OA fellows, journal/blog, and read/participate on email loops. I recently started using Twitter as a part of my recovery tools.

The Past is A Present

I cannot regret my past for it allowed me to endure to the present. ~ For Today, p. 346

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I think about this all the time.  I was under the illusion that compulsive overeating helped me be a more productive and efficient person.  Right now I have a pile of papers to grade.  If I were still in the food, they would be done by now.  There’s no doubt about. I could distract my thoughts and emotions so I could get my work done.  However, the work would be done and the problems would be here.

Now, I pray and meditate to calm my mind.  I ask my HP to help me. There are other times I reach out to my sponsor or others. Online meetings are a tremendous help. There are still other times I just need to deal with whatever is going on and stop resisting or ignoring it.

Being in OA is providing me with a new way of being.  I have met some wonderful people and my life is becoming more manageable.  If it were not for my past, I would not have the wonderful gifts of today.

Thanks for listening,

Sheila