I Want to be Free!

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m not sure if I’ve already written about this but it has been on my mind all day long today. I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale. I shared this with my sponsor about three weeks ago and I still haven’t done anything about it. The fact that I haven’t put the scale away further lets me know I need to do so. So, why haven’t I?

I weigh myself at least three or four times a day. Actually, it’s probably more like five or six times. Truthfully, I started writing this because I’m sitting here trying not to go weigh myself. Anyhow…
The other day I was praying about this behavior. The answer I received is that it’s not that I can’t put the scale away; it’s that I won’t put it away. Bingo! Woop, there it is! Yep, that’s it – self will…stubbornness.
I guess that’s why it’s bothering me so much today. I am not going to be totally free until I am willing to surrender all to Spirit and my program. I can’t do things my way. My way hasn’t worked in the past so why am I even trying to go there?

I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale yet I am so afraid not to be without it. My sponsor was so brave the other day. She went to an appointment and didn’t even ask the nurse her weight. I was blown away! The poor girl at my doctor’s office already knows my routine. She’s tell me my weight and look for my previous weight because she knows I’m going to ask.

So, I was thinking about this so-called problem today and it’s because I went so long without a scale and not knowing how much I weighed. It wasn’t until I was ill and went to the doctor that I realized I weighed 310 pounds. I vowed I would never weigh over 300 pounds. Yet, I’m somehow under the illusion that if I’d had a scale it would have never happened. This is total B.S. Owning or not owning a scale had/has nothing to do with my weight gain/loss.
I’m somehow under the illusion that when I bought the scale I started losing weight. This is total B.S. too. When I started paying attention to what I was eating and exercising, the only thing the scale did is help me monitor my weight. I would have lost weight despite the scale.
Now with all this analysis and reasoning, I still can’t put the scale away. Even when I was at the gym today, I was plotting…even if I put the scale away, I could weigh myself at the gym…once a week…let’s see…if I put the scale away, I’ll still be able to get my weight when I go to the doctor on April 1…no, that’s too long…. UGH! What the hell is wrong with me??? Just put it away!

UPDATE: Well, I finally did it. After reading the passage in For Today on Wednesday, March 28, there was no way I could not put away the scale. I had to let go of my self will and trust my HP.