Keep Coming Back!

Great meeting today. I had a nice long chat with someone who has over 20 years abstinence. She reminded me that abstinence isn't about the weight loss. She also shared that even now she will often weigh and measure her food. I truly felt she understood where I was coming from. This is the one thing I love about my home meeting.

Anyhow, she shared some great experience. She invited me not to be afraid to experiment with my food plan. This frightens me a bit because it took me a while to get to a place where I am not always obsessing about my next meal. I'm a creature of habit and believe that if it's not broke don't try to fix it. However, my food plan, as it is, is not working for me. I do want to release at least 40 more pounds.

I like what she shared about recording how different foods react in the body and in the mind. I could have some food sensitivities. Even though a certain food isn't a trigger food, it may not metabolize efficiently in my body.

I talked to my sponsor about it and she's willing to support me in added this to my food diary.

I also have an appointment with a nutritionist in two weeks.

So, I guess I'm not dropping out of OA and going on a diet.

Going Through the Motions

I’m been having a rough time this week. I am been full of self-pity. I am not happy with the fact that I haven’t lost any weight in months. Although my sponsor does her best to reassure me, I really have to question whether or not I’ve been abstinent. I haven’t been losing any weight. My food plan is designed for me to be working toward a healthy weight.
The truth is I have not had one bite of my trigger foods and I have been working out on a regular basis. However, I could do a better job with my portions. There are days I am lazy about pulling out the measuring cups and spoons. I also need to go back to a strict rule of no eating after 9 pm. I think I need to add getting adequate sleep to my action plan. I haven’t been sleeping well. Fatigue is a huge trigger for me. When I’m tired, it is much more difficult to stay present.

I have been dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. This is a major no-no for me. I need to be present in order to work the steps. If not, I’m just going through the motions. So far this week, I think I have been going through the motions.

I also realize I’ve gone out three times this week. This is odd for me. However, I haven’t felt like spending my evenings home alone. Tonight when I was driving home I really questioned my behavior this week. Do I really want to socialize or am I running away from being alone? Truthfully, I am not sure. I do know that I haven’t been very present this week. Once I get centered, I will be able to get in touch with my true feelings.

Bad Dreams

I just had a dream, no, I had a nightmare about my ex! I don’t know where those emotions came from. It’s the weirdest thing. I guess it’s because I was thinking about how much things have progressed for me.
Last night, after a meeting, someone said it has been nice watching me grow in program. This was the second time I heard that this week. I led a meeting on Saturday and someone approached me and said the same thing.
So, I guess that nightmare was my subconscious’ way of letting me know I still have more growth to do. Lol! It was the most vile and violent dream I’ve had in ages. There are no words to describe how sick that relationship was. It’s over now. I’m just so glad it was a dream and not reality.

Right now I am working on acceptance. I am accepting that it was just a dream. The mind immediately wants to analyze and all that crap but I’m not going there! I’m not going to the kitchen either!
Hopefully, I can get back to sleep….

One Year

It's been exactly one year that I have been living alone.

I wish I had something interesting or profound to say about it. I've been thinking about all day today. For the most part, I have been thinking about how sad I was when I moved; I was sad, angry, and broken.

I'm glad I can say I'm in a much better place now. Throughout the transition, I did not turn to food for comfort. What a miracle!