Self Will

I have not been doing so well lately.  Today I came within seconds of making a bad decision.  I went out to lunch with a friend.  I've been to this place a thousand times and know they serve potato chips with their sandwiches.  For whatever reason, I did not say, "no chips."  The whole time I sat there knowing my sandwich was being prepared and they were going to put chips on my plate.

The server comes and puts my plate in front of me.  I look at the bag of chips and toss them aside.  I start eating my sandwich, pick up the bag of chips and look at the calories.  150 calories.  Not bad, I tell myself.  I toss it aside again.  All sorts of thoughts are going through my mind.  "You can handle this.  It's been almost two years....one bag of chips isn't going to hurt...."  The more I wrestled with my thoughts about eating the chips, the more I realized it wasn't a good idea to eat them. 

After my meal was over, we sat and chatted, the bag of chips was still sitting on the table.  I even thought about taking the chips home to eat later while I was alone. As we got up to leave, I offered them to a friend and she put them in her purse.  I am very grateful I chose God's will over my own.

Making Amends

At this week’s meeting we read Step Eight in OA 12 + 12, I shared about putting myself on the list of persons I have harm.  I caused so much harm to my mind, spirit, and body.  One of the ways I am making an amends to myself is by limiting the negative self-talk.  I am also working on my relationship with Spirit, praying and meditating daily.  I am taking care of my body by eating healthy foods.  I am also exercising.  The other day while I was running and struggling to breathe I just instinctively said to my body, “I’m sorry.”  I was apologizing to my body for not taking better care for so long.  I would be struggling so much if I had done a better job.  However, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I’m going to continue doing my best to take care of me.  I’m going to love Sheila and make sure I put her oxygen mask on my first.  I know I caused a lot of harm to myself by putting others’ needs ahead of my own.  It was misguided.  It wasn’t like I didn’t love myself.  I thought I was being selfless.  I have now learned there’s a huge difference between selfish and self-love.   I love Sheila and I’m going to take care of her.  She deserves the best.