...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wow! Today I had a wake up call about how very important it is for me to take care of myself. I heard from a former coworker who I haven’t been in touch with for over 20 years. We had some fun times together. I remember the day he got very sick at work and found out he had type 2 diabetes. I didn’t know about compulsive overeating, sugar addiction, and OA at the time.

He was having such a hard time eating healthy foods. He wasn’t taking very good care of himself and kept ending up in the hospital. In hindsight, I suspect he’s a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict. I remember calling him up one day and he was baking a cake! This was a few weeks after being released from the hospital! Anyhow, I just found out that last year, he had one of his legs amputated.

What a reality check about the perils of sugar addiction and overeating! Therefore, but for the grace of God, go I. Seeing how much he (and others) struggled with eating and health wasn’t enough to stop me from getting diabetes. Even though my diabetes has been under control for years, it is still very important that I eat healthy foods and exercise my body on a regular basis. It will also help to be as close to a healthy body weight as possible. I have the knowledge and support to keep myself healthy. I just have to use it and surrender the rest to the God of my understanding.

I am so very grateful for OA and my recovery right now. It would be so easy to reach for sugar. I confess I’ve been thinking about it. I have been so uncomfortable for the last few days. I am grateful it has also been easy for me to reach out to my sponsor and others for help. One of my biggest fears is being so out of control with my eating. I also have a few that I will get sick from diabetes and one of my limbs will be amputated. I know I do not have cling to this fear as long as have faith in my God and continue working my program – one day at a time.

Romanticizing the Food

I’m having a hard time right now. I just reached out to my sponsor who gave me the inspiration for this writing. She made an observation that I was “kind of romanticizing the food.” She was being kind. There is no “kind of” about it. I’m having a love affair with all the memories of my compulsive overeating and bingeing. Yet, I’m only romanticizing part of the story --the sugary sweet highs while ignoring all the yucky diarrhea, high blood sugar, and excess fat lows.

What I need to remind myself about is the ugly part of my food romance. I can start by remembering how out of control I was, having cupcakes and boxes of Crunch and Munch with coffee for breakfast. Yeah, got a rush, a rush of diarrhea that wouldn’t stop me from continuing onto bags of potato chips and hunks of cheese for lunch. Dinner usually consisted of pizza or some other takeout food. I would end the day feeling stuffed and miserable. It didn’t stop there. Then, I’d have a huge bowl of popcorn with lots and lots of butter. In between these “meals” I would eat jelly bellies and Mike and Ikes. I would often wake up in the middle of the night to have ice cream and chips or more buttered popcorn. Sometimes I’d even go out for a French fries run.

I could barely move. I had trouble walking up and down the stairs in the house. I could barely go anywhere that required a lot of walking. It was a struggle for me to find clothes and shoes that fit.

While I thought I enjoyed eating all that food, I was actually miserable. This is what the Buddhist call “dukkha” or suffering –the endless cycling of craving and aversion. I crave sugary sweet to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Right now, I want to avoid feeling yucky. I think I’m just tired from all this swimming I’ve been attempting to do. I’ve been in the pool four days straight. While I’ve been having fun, it is hard work.

Anyhow, going forward, I plan to be more balanced when it comes to my food cravings. When I reminisce about all the so-called “good” about being in the food, I also need to remember all the misery.