"Two Against One"

This is the text I just sent my sponsor. I just finished eating dinner and want, I repeat, want to eat more. It's not like I need to eat more. My body is satisfied. My spirit is satisfied. My mind, on the other hand, says, MORE!

Action, not Reaction

One of the many lessons I learned while working the steps was how often I reacted to a situation instead of acting. There’s a big difference. For me, the difference is my focus. When I am reacting, I am focusing on the other. When I am acting, my focus is on me and my journey.

Today’s question asks what actions do I take daily to help me continue my recovery. This is the basis of Step 10.

Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized I have been abstinent 140 days. I could not have come this far without the help of Spirit/God, my wonderful sponsor (we’re getting along wonderfully, by the way,) my OA fellows, and taking action.

Each day I begin my day by checking in with my sponsor and I read For Today.

Meditation is also a very essential part of my recovery and spiritual practice. I was just sharing with someone that other day how I am beginning to realize that meditation is key in helping me stay present and awareness.

I also pray every day. Each day I pray for me and my sponsor that we end the day in peace and abstinence. I also pray and say grace before each meal. I give thanks for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinence for my OA fellows – whether they’re in program or not. I add that part because I like how my face to face meeting ends by praying for those who still suffering from COE.

At the end of the day, I submit my food plan and complete a check in list, a gratitude list, and a Step 10 inventory to my sponsor.
These are the actions I take on a daily basis, without fail.

On a regular basis, I attend meetings, listen to recovery podcasts, read recovery books, reach out to other OA fellows, journal/blog, and read/participate on email loops. I recently started using Twitter as a part of my recovery tools.

Do No Harm

I love the Buddhist’s rule: harm no living thing. It’s all about compassion. Being raised a Christian, I was taught the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I was very anxious when I approached Step Eight. Sure, I could rant about the harm others had caused me. If it wasn’t so sad, it would have been comical how much difficulty I had seeing how I had harmed others.

The patterns I discovered that have done harm to me and others are:

--Manipulation
--Control
--Dishonesty
--Insensitivity
--Denial
--Stubborn

The reason I mentioned that Golden Rule is because I really had to question my belief system and I realized that over the years I really started twisting things. The Golden Rule is about treating people the way you would treat yourself. Well, somehow, I started thinking of it as a quid pro quo. I also realize that I somehow started treating people better than I would treat myself.

I remember one day reflecting how I would spend hundreds of dollars on my partner but would rarely spend any money on myself. I would go all out for others and leave nothing for myself, yet resent others for my behavior.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This year is the first time in 11 years I have celebrated Valentine’s Day as a single person. I had a really good day. The first thing I did this morning is tell myself how much I love me. I then posted it on my Facebook Wall: Happy Valentine’s Day, Sheila. I love you!

Humility

Hello! My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater. It’s time to pull out the OA workbook and do some Step 7 work.

What is humility? Funny. Last night I read somewhere on the Internet that there is a difference between humility and humiliation. I already made my distinction. Understood. So, what is humility?

I guess more than anything, I understand what humility is not. Humility is the opposite of arrogance. It is someone who has her pride and ego in check.

I looked up the definition to get some clarity. According to Dictionary.com, humility is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. One of the synonyms is submissiveness.

I remember a guy at a meeting saying humility was the posture of prayer. I didn’t understand what he meant at the time but now I think I do.
Humility is all about asking for God’s guidance because I understand I cannot do things on my own. It is knowing that I power greater than myself can help me and asking for that help.

This continues to be something I struggle with because I am full of self-will, pride, and arrogance. I also admit that there is still a part of me that holds onto these character defects because I stubbornly think they work for me. What I am realizing is that any of my character defects can be assets, can be of service when in alignment with God’s will.

For instance, my therapist pointed out how my pride can be an asset to help me work on myself. My stubbornness is definitely helping me recover because I refused to give up. However, I know it is humility that reminds me that I am not doing this alone. I am only where I am today in my abstinence through the help of my H.P., my sponsor, and my OA family.
My constant prayer is Thy will, not my will, be done.

Communication

I just had a conversation with my sponsor about the issues we’ve been having.  I must say I feel much better about the situation.  I had to laugh because she thinks it boils down to me and a lack of social skills.  I am glad we had the conversation because it does give me some insight into how to interact with her.

I feel she just has expectation about how people SHOULD communicate.  I tend to be very upfront and direct.  I think she a little too sensitive for my style.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am open and willing to learn and change.  However, I feel it just boils down to her perception of me. ..which is her problem, not mine.  I’m all about being authentic.   We all see the world through our own filters.  I have no idea what filters make my sponsor perceive me the way she does and vice versa.

I have no interest in bending over backwards or kissing her ass.  I do think it’s interesting that she doesn’t think she’s part of the problem.  None of us are perfect.  This is the part I thought was funny.  Things will be better between us of I work on myself.  I love it!  It’s cool.  I love my sponsor and I don’t need to take this too seriously.  As long as she understands I did not intend to hurt her feelings, I’m cool.  I also need to be aware that I need to be a little more careful with her because she’s on the sensitive side.

This leads me to something I read in the 12-Step Buddhist about group dynamics and how we’re all a group of misfits yet there are misfits within the group of misfits.  I’m a misfit within a group of misfits.  I don’t fit neatly into the 12 step mold.  For example, I’ve been going to my face-to-face meeting for four months and each time I say hi to this guy who is like one of the unspoken leaders of the group (he has 20+ years of abstinence) he always asks me if I’m new, my name, and whether or not I have a sponsor.  The last time he asked me I almost said…dude, you ask me this every time we speak.  My point is that the meeting has it little clique and doesn’t realize how it alienates new members.  It really doesn’t bother me because I’m used to it.  However, I can imagine how other new members might feel.  This is one of the reasons I do make it a point to say hi to someone new.  I remember how it was to be new.  Only a few people in the group will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.

My sponsor is all about rainbows and sunshine.  She’s very idealistic.  While I’m not doom and gloom, I tend to be more realistic.  I’m not going to agree with something just because it’s part of program.  If it doesn’t work for me, it just doesn’t.  As long as I feel I’ve given it an honest effort, I’m cool with it.  If I don’t agree, I’m not going to say so just for conformity sake.  I really get frustrated when I and simply expressing how I feel and she slaps me on the hand (so to speak) about being positive.  So, tonight when I told her this she said she just thinks I’m being manipulative.  So, I asked, how am I supposed to ask for help if I feel I can’t express myself honestly?  The bottom line is she just doesn’t get it and she doesn’t realize how inflexible she is.  It just helped me realize there are just certain things I just do not need to discuss with her. 

Anyhow, Littlejohn goes on to say that the demographics of the program and the complexities of addiction factor into why people relapse.  It’s not as simple as just working the steps.  People in program feel alienated.  He says those that are successful fit into a certain demographic  and speak the language of the program.  I'm interested in abstinence, healing, and wholeness, not being a 12-step parrot.

My Food Plan

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

Now, that I have four months abstinence, I decided to make some changes to my food plan.  My food plan was developed around my eating behaviors.  I recently had a consultation with a dietician.  We decided to make some small changes to my food plan:

Here's my new plan:

• Avoid sweets and potato chips
• Portion control
• No second helpings
• No eating after 9 pm
• At least 32 oz. of water
• 4 – 5 servings of fruits and veggies

Random Thoughts on a Friday Night

My therapy session went well on Monday.  I am so glad I was able to work out some issues concerning my ex.  We moved onto other issues.  We discussed the situation with my ex.  I love my therapist.  After speaking with her, I do feel some compassion for my sponsor.  I’m still not sure what to do.  I want to honor her feelings yet I do not think our relationship is going to be very effective if it isn’t resolved soon.  Maybe we’ve gone as far as we can go together.  I’m also thinking that maybe she doesn’t have enough experience as a sponsor.  After all, she only has two more months abstinence than me.  Like my therapist suggested, maybe I triggered something.  I also like how my therapist pointed out that I could use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  She suggested that I speak with my sponsor.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that when she won’t speak with me on the phone right now. 

It’s really not serving me.  Tonight I feel like talking and I can’t call.  It does give me the opportunity to reach out to others for support.  However, I still can’t help resent the fact that if I called my sponsor she wouldn’t take my call.  I’ve thought about calling anyhow…but I’m not sure if she would see it as a sign I’m not honoring her request and I’m not sure how I would react if she rejected me.  All I know is that this is not good for my recovery.