Communication

I just had a conversation with my sponsor about the issues we’ve been having.  I must say I feel much better about the situation.  I had to laugh because she thinks it boils down to me and a lack of social skills.  I am glad we had the conversation because it does give me some insight into how to interact with her.

I feel she just has expectation about how people SHOULD communicate.  I tend to be very upfront and direct.  I think she a little too sensitive for my style.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am open and willing to learn and change.  However, I feel it just boils down to her perception of me. ..which is her problem, not mine.  I’m all about being authentic.   We all see the world through our own filters.  I have no idea what filters make my sponsor perceive me the way she does and vice versa.

I have no interest in bending over backwards or kissing her ass.  I do think it’s interesting that she doesn’t think she’s part of the problem.  None of us are perfect.  This is the part I thought was funny.  Things will be better between us of I work on myself.  I love it!  It’s cool.  I love my sponsor and I don’t need to take this too seriously.  As long as she understands I did not intend to hurt her feelings, I’m cool.  I also need to be aware that I need to be a little more careful with her because she’s on the sensitive side.

This leads me to something I read in the 12-Step Buddhist about group dynamics and how we’re all a group of misfits yet there are misfits within the group of misfits.  I’m a misfit within a group of misfits.  I don’t fit neatly into the 12 step mold.  For example, I’ve been going to my face-to-face meeting for four months and each time I say hi to this guy who is like one of the unspoken leaders of the group (he has 20+ years of abstinence) he always asks me if I’m new, my name, and whether or not I have a sponsor.  The last time he asked me I almost said…dude, you ask me this every time we speak.  My point is that the meeting has it little clique and doesn’t realize how it alienates new members.  It really doesn’t bother me because I’m used to it.  However, I can imagine how other new members might feel.  This is one of the reasons I do make it a point to say hi to someone new.  I remember how it was to be new.  Only a few people in the group will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.

My sponsor is all about rainbows and sunshine.  She’s very idealistic.  While I’m not doom and gloom, I tend to be more realistic.  I’m not going to agree with something just because it’s part of program.  If it doesn’t work for me, it just doesn’t.  As long as I feel I’ve given it an honest effort, I’m cool with it.  If I don’t agree, I’m not going to say so just for conformity sake.  I really get frustrated when I and simply expressing how I feel and she slaps me on the hand (so to speak) about being positive.  So, tonight when I told her this she said she just thinks I’m being manipulative.  So, I asked, how am I supposed to ask for help if I feel I can’t express myself honestly?  The bottom line is she just doesn’t get it and she doesn’t realize how inflexible she is.  It just helped me realize there are just certain things I just do not need to discuss with her. 

Anyhow, Littlejohn goes on to say that the demographics of the program and the complexities of addiction factor into why people relapse.  It’s not as simple as just working the steps.  People in program feel alienated.  He says those that are successful fit into a certain demographic  and speak the language of the program.  I'm interested in abstinence, healing, and wholeness, not being a 12-step parrot.