Chasing a Dream

Today I signed up for the Firefly 5K Run. The date of the race is October 6; my abstinent birthday is October 2. So, I'm thinking that if I remain abstinent, by the grace of God, it will be a great way to celebrate my second year of abstinence. I've tried the Couch to 5K twice and didn't make it past week four. I am praying that I will make it through this time. Actually someone I met an the OA retreat has really been encouraging me. She's the one who suggested I sign up for the race. It's nice to have someone with a similar experience helping me through this time.

For Today

I'm starting to get anxious about my trip home. I have three nieces graduating. So, there's going to be a lot of partying and food. Plus, I'll be out of my routine, etc. I'll do my best. I'm thinking I better find some meetings to attend while I'm there. My sisters and brother are starting to call about all the arrangements. Plus, I have friends and family members who want to spend time with me. I know I should feel flattered but it’s triggering a lot of anxiety. I want to please everyone. I’ll do my best. Last night I also remembered that I have an opportunity to do some amends while I in town. This is probably contributing to the anxiety too. I had a dream last night about my trip and being pulled in so many directions. People were upset with me and there was anything I could do about it. My trip isn’t until June 1. I’m just reminding myself that all I have to do is live and work my program for today, May 7. I understand people need to make their plans and they need to make sure parties and get-togethers aren’t overlapping. The girls each want to have their own party. So, I’ll do my best to spend time with as many people as I can but the bottom line is that I have to take care of me. Self-care and working my program are top priorities.

Willingness

Last weekend while at the retreat, I asked Spirit for willingness. I sent my intent to manifest the willingness to do whatever it takes to recover. I was so happy that God blessed me with the willingness to workout every day this week. I’m beginning to get back into my exercise groove and it feels good. This morning while meditating Spirit pressed upon my heart the notion that I have to release some food items that are beginning to become a problem for me. I heard the message but didn’t think too much of it. As I was gathering my things to leave for this morning’s meeting, I saw my Serenity coin on my dining room table. I took it to the retreat with me because my sponsor gave it to me and I wanted her there with me. I again thought about what Spirit had said to me about those items. I argued that I really don’t have a problem with them. It’s not like I have them every day. However, I grabbed the coin, put it in my pocket, and left for the meeting. On the way to the meeting, I see these Girls Scouts waving signs that say “Last Chance.” Ha, I think, my Higher Power certainly has a sense of humor. I was like, I’ve given up soooo much. I then began thinking about all the wonderful gifts I was given during the retreat and while I’ve been in OA. I sat through the meeting fighting back tears. I shared with the group that I was very emotional today and that I was so glad that I could share anything with them. I’m so glad I am not alone on this journey. So, I’m adding those items to my list of foods. I feel kind of sad about it – which confirms they were a problem. They are contributing to physical urges/carvings, mental obsession, and I do not want that in my life. For example, I just went to the store and had to tell myself I am no longer buying them. What are they? Dried ranberries! Stupid dried cranberries! The other day I heard myself negotiating about when and how to eat dried cranberries. As soon as I did that, the red flag was raised. The other day I bought a single serving of granola with cranberries just to check to make sure. When I did that, I knew I was in trouble. So, it’s official. I’m off cranberries! I’m a little pouty about it but I’ll get over it. I do want to end by thanking Spirit for blessing me with the willingness to be honest.

Recovery, Relapse, and Spiritual Awakening

I had plans to write more on my thoughts about the retreat. This morning I was listening to a podcast that really spoke to me. A woman was sharing about a vicious cycle of recovery and relapse. It was profound that she finally realized that her abstinence was nothing more than a diet or following a food plan. True recovery, she said, is so much more; it is a spiritual awakening. I found so much comfort in her words. I know that God has blessed me in this area. I have no fear that I will return to my binge foods when I rely on Higher Power, instead of willpower. While I do need to continue to work my willingness to measure my food and watch portions, I am so happy I am recovered from that sugar fog. Now, this is not to say I do not think about those binge foods from time to time, I do. Just the other day a saw a box of Crunch and Munch and sighed. Would I buy a box? NO! There is no way in food hell I would touch that stuff. I’m totally convinced I cannot handle it. I’m also totally convinced that this is a miracle. Anyhow, today I was reminded that staying spiritual fit is the key to my recovery. Abstinence and spiritual recovery are two different things. If I am not careful, I could see my abstinence or food plan as a diet. Doing so could lead to a relapse. It is my desire to have total spiritual recovery. When I have this gift, God will take care of my food/eating.

The God of My Understanding

Another issue that came up for me during the retreat was God/Higher Power. OA is a diversity group. It’s very important that people respect the way other people choose to believe. Well, since people are people with character defects, this is not always the case. It became very important to me remind myself to practice principles over personalities this weekend. I had to do my best to create boundaries and remember to practice the spiritual principles of the program. There were some incidents that occurred that made me very uncomfortable. In some cases I removed myself; in others I remembered to take what I needed and leave the rest there. I find it so hard not to judge people who feel they need to push their belief system on me. I have my own beliefs. I have a relationship with my Higher Power, Jesus, G-d, Father/Mother, Buddha, Creative Intelligence, Spirit, Allah, take your pick. Funny, as I write this, I think about a piece I heard on the radio about the anniversary of the Rodney King beating. I think of Mr. King’s words: Can’t we all get along? In the rooms, we’re all in different stages of recovery and spiritual growth. However, the religious/spiritual stuff did trigger certain issues for me. I had to remind myself that I am almost 50 years old. I am free to choose to have conscious contact with the God of MY understanding – not my parents’ God, not my sponsor’s or sponsees’ God, not the retreat organizers’ God – MY God. Most important, I don’t need to flaunt my beliefs or defend them. As I shared over the weekend, for so long food was my Higher Power. It feels so good to have a Power greater than myself that is restoring me to sanity. My food god caused me a lot of pain. Today, the God of my understanding brings peace into my life. I pray for this sense of awareness for all OA fellows. I can only do my part to honor and respect others and their understanding of Higher Power/God.