Changes

First, I would like to be more consistent it updating this blog for two reasons:

1. It is good for me to write, instead of eat, about what is going on in terms of my relationship with food and recovery.

2. I see maintaining this blog as service. I am not sure how many people read it but I do remember, as a newcomer, searching online for OA blogs and being very frustrated. I don't know, not that it is any of my business, if people just stop working the program or just no longer found it necessary to maintain their blogs. Anyhow, I want to do it for anyhow who is out there searching. There are people who continue working the program, one day at a time, for a long time.

I have been having a few struggles lately. I do not deal with change, especially chaotic change, very well. I did my best to have a positive attitude when my manager moved on. I am not digging my new manager at all. She's messy (repeats what others have said) and she's non-communicative. She does not respond to our emails. I think she likes drama. This is making a very frustrating and annoying work environment. I continue to look for ways to let it go and just do my job. It is what it is. The stress only drives me to crave crap that is not good for me. On top of this, I also have to deal with changes to my part-time job.

Last week I mindlessly ate four Odwalla bars before I knew it. This is a huge red flag to jumping back on that binge wagon.

So what was my word for the day yesterday? Acceptance. Whatever comes my way, accept it, especially if it is something you cannot change. I also accept the fact that I need to change something I have to take action.

Today my word is impermanence. Life is always moving and changing. The best thing I can do is stay in the moment. This is the place I find peace and joy.

I have been saying a prayer to release resentment for about three weeks now. I am determined to say it each day until the thoughts dissipate. I realize that past resentments are beginning to creep to the surface because I need to deal with my character defects. Recovery is an ongoing process. At first a started beating myself up about these defects. Now I have accepted that they have resurfaced for me to learn whatever it is I need to learn, heal, and keep moving on.

I found some Step 7 worksheets online and used them to help me get started. I've used the OA workbook in the past. I just felt lik doing something a little different:

7) Humbly asked Him (God) to remove our shortcomings.

What shortcomings? The “exact nature of our wrongs” in step 5 is expressed in terms of “defects of character” in step 6, and offered up to God for removal as “shortcomings” in step 7. Bill Wilson, when asked why he used three different sets of words to define character defects, said it was to avoid repetition. Therefore, he intended that there be no significant distinction. Some members waste time needlessly by differentiating the three expressions, which we term, simply, as character defects.
When step 5 is performed well, we leave with a list of our character defects. In step 6 we progressively become willing to have these removed from us, and in step 7 we pray that they might be.
Make a grid similar to that below, and list your defects of character in it. If an example we have entered applies to you, let it remain. If not, replace it with one of yours that is not listed.

Character Defect Willingness to have removed

Perfectionism Almost willing
Anger Absolutely willing
Dishonesty Absolutely willing
Fear Absolutely willing
Resentment Absolutely willing
Arrogance Give me more time
Ego Absolutely willing
Selfishness Absolutely willing
Pride Almost willing
Impatience Almost willing

Willingness for removal. We have identified five possible levels of your willingness to have each character defect removed. These are:
1) Already removed
2) Absolutely willing
3) Almost willing
4) Give me more time
5) Never


As you know from reading the 12&12, our stubborn insistence to “never” allow a defect to be removed must, itself, be removed.
If your willingness level for any item is not 1) or 2), you will want to repeat the exercise again later.


ASSIGNMENT AND QUESTIONS ON STEP SEVEN
Read step seven in the OA 12 &12 or p.76 in the Big Book and answer the following questions.

1. What is your definition of humility and how does it differ from humiliation?

My definition of humility is admitting that I need help and guidance in my life. My way of doing things has made a mess of my life…that is humiliation. In order to live a peaceful, serene life, I need help and guidance. Humility is asking for this help.

2. Why do you want to have your shortcomings removed?

I want the shortcomings removed because I want the suffering to end. I know I can have a much happier life without them.

3. Have you made a list of your shortcomings? Please share about one of them and any insights you have about it.

Arrogance. My arrogance has led to a lot of trouble. While I honestly thought I was making good decisions, I can know see it was my own arrogance and ego that clouds my judgment.

4. What positive trait do you want to develop or substitute for that shortcoming?

Self-confidence. I think my arrogance comes from a lack of self-confidence. I was expected to know the answers. I had a tremendous amount of responsibility dumped on me as a child. If I made a mistake, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I use arrogance to mask my insecurity.

5. Which of your character defects do you think helped you survive in the past?

My pride. My pride and ego have been my driving force.

6. How willing are you to make changes and what can you do to show your willingness?

Right now. I don’t know. I feel I was willing in the beginning but I have grown impatient. I am not sure what I can do to show my willingness.

7. How do you think that becoming ‘right-sized’ would help you in navigating your way through life?
Truthfully, I do not think it would help. No matter which size I am if I still have the same C.D.s my life will not be peaceful.

8. Can you visualise yourself as the person you will be without the character defects you found? How will you think, act and feel?

Truthfully, visualizing myself with my C.D.s makes me a little uneasy. Even though I have seen how much easier life can be when I choose God’s will over my own, there is a part of me that still feel uneasy and untrusting about the process.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago there was an incident with my ex, I did not react or engage. I know it was the best thing to do. There is still a part of me that feels passive and abused like I am not sticking up for myself.


Then say the following 7th step prayer from the AA Big Book every day for one week.

SEVENTH STEP PRAYER: My Creator, I am now willing that You have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding. (Seventh Step Prayer - Page 76 of the Big Book)