Forgiveness

Step 2 Writing

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

During today’s meeting we read Step 2 in the OA 12 + 12. I’ve read this chapter many times yet today so many things struck me. It started last night. I realized that my HP, God, has been speaking to me through so many people this week. First it was a quote one of my friends on Facebook posted:

"Relationships never end, because they're of the mind; only bodies can separate. When you're missing someone, know it just means that on a soul level they've come to visit." ~ ♥ Marianne Williamson

This quote was right on time! Earlier that morning I had been thinking about my mother, missing her so much, and beating myself up about it. She made her transition in 1998! So this quote shifted my perspective from thinking that I was hopelessly still mourning my mother’s transition to something very powerful and positive.

The second message came when I shared a thought I have been having lately with my sponsor. I have been very frustrated with myself because I have been obsessing about food, what I can’t have, what I want, why I have to measure my food, why I should continue keeping a food journal, etc. I have been seeing all these wonderful ideas about things to serve at Super Bowl parties and thinking I can’t have any of it. Anyhow, I questioned why I was still having all these thoughts when I thought abstinence was all about the elimination of obsessive food thoughts. My sponsor wisely replied that she occasionally has these thoughts and that they will go away in HP’s time. Again, a shift in my perspective –I want things to happen in my time -- which I have no control over anything. Let go, let God! As a result, for the remainder of the week, I have had the most peaceful time working my food plan.

Thursday was Spin class. Even though I was tired all day, I was so looking forward to it. For whatever reason, class was very hard for me. Fifteen minutes into it I thought about getting off the bike and leaving. Instead, I closed my eyes and kept going. I made it through class and even made some improvement. The instructor advised me to take note of our average RPM each class. Last week I was at 51, this week it was 55. Yet, I was feeling so down and discouraged, telling myself I was way too fat and out of shape for this class. When the instructor said we should be going at least 70, I was at 50, and so on. I was struggling with the resistance, too! The previous week she advised me to focus on resistance and the speed would come. Yet, I still felt discouraged. As I was leaving, she smiled at me and said good job. I went to my car and cried. Part of it was feeling sorry for myself, I also felt embarrassed that she probably noticed how much I was struggling, the rest was gratitude. I needed some encouragement at that time.

Then, last night, out of the blue, one of my fitness pals wrote a comment on my page – “the old you would envy the new you.” I have no idea, except that it was God, why he wrote that. While I would say “admire instead of envy”, he is exactly right. The old Sheila is so very proud of the “new” Sheila. Here was yet another angel, another reminder to just keep doing what I am doing and leave the rest to God. Each time I had some crazy, off-the-wall thought, my Higher Power was right there to set me straight and restore me to sanity. I am very grateful for a very peaceful, abstinent week.

Hope

Step 1 Writing

How willing am I to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable?

Joining OA was a great eye-opener for me. I had a very hard time admitting I was powerless over food. I was raised to believe I could conquer anything. Self-reliance was a HUGE part of my belief system. I was taught that I worked hard I could overcome anything. To a certain degree, I still believe this. However, when it comes to food, I have made some adjustments to my beliefs.

I thought admitting I was powerless meant I was admitting I was weak. Through working the steps I have learned the two are not synonymous. I have no control over my addiction and attachment to certain food and food behaviors. Trying to control something that is uncontrollable is insanity!

When I finally realized my eating was out of control, I did my best to gain control. I did a great job for a while. Willpower worked. I lost weight. When my relationship failed, so did my willpower. I found myself diving back into the food despite my best efforts. I knew I had a choice but I kept making unhealthy choices anyhow.

So, I am willing to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable by working the steps and attending OA meetings. I keep a food diary and check in with my sponsor every day. For the longest time I resisted writing down what I ate. Eating, overeating, was my private ritual. Being accountable to someone for what I eat every day is one way I demonstrate my willingness.

I also had to admit there were certain foods I could no longer eat. I have been willing to give up eating some of my “favorite” foods – potato chips, Crunch and Munch, jelly bellys, Mike and Ikes, cake, and cupcakes, and cookies.

Making a connection between how my overeating was more difficult. I was really hard for me to see how my relationship with food had affected my relationship with people. I became willing to admit there were times I chose food over people. I chose to steal and sneak other people’s foods. I chose to stay in alone and eat instead of going out with others to socialize. I am willing to admit there have been times I have been so focused on the food I was eating that I wasn’t very present during meals or social events. As a result, my relationships with people suffered.

I know have a food plan that helps me stay on track with abstinence and recovery. I make sure I read For Today every day to remind me that I need constant guidance when it comes to my relationship with eating and food. I am willing to check in with my sponsor before and after meal, when necessary. I am willing to identify myself as a compulsive overeater. I am willing to go to meetings. I am willing to reach out to others. I am willing to listen and be of service to other COE’s. I am willing to work the step and my program on a daily basis.

Introduction to Human Nutrition

I'm so excited about the online course I'm taking -- Into to Human Nutrition. It's a course through the University of Florida and Coursera. I received 90% on my Week One quiz and I just completed my Week One assignment. I hope I figured out how to copy and paste it here to share. We also have to track our food and do a weekly assessment of our nutrition. I'm learning so much about nutrition that I know will help me maximize my health and get to a healthier body weight.

Mindfull or Mindful

I saw this photo on Facebook and it speaks so much to what's going on with me right now:

I’m not doing so well today. I’m still dwelling on yesterday. I realize I made a mistake. I went to Subway (no big deal). I’m still upset with myself because I think I should have ordered a 6-inch instead of a footlong. Even though I only eat veggie and cheese, my action plan while eating out is to eat less. I shared how I felt last night with my sponsor. I’ll see how my sponsor responds to my check-in. Usually things that I beat myself up about she doesn’t see the same way. Hopefully I can gain some perspective.

I’m also not happy with myself because I didn’t go to the gym or workout yesterday. One of my goals this year is to be more consistent with my exercise and food plan. However, I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time. I can’t do anything about the choices I made yesterday but I can be mindful of today’s choices.

Monday's Moment