Today’s topic: There is nothing to lose in seeking the God of my understanding except my false pride, my food obsession, my fat and all the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. ~For Today, p. 32
I overslept and missed my f2f meeting so I attended an online meeting this morning. I love today’s topic. I know it was all in divine order that I attend this meeting.

First of all, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Overworked and overtired is not good for this compulsive overeater. I haven’t been making the best food choices lately. While I haven’t turned to my binge foods, I haven’t been eating really healthy foods either and I have been drinking more caffeine than usual. These choices start a vicious cycle – lack of sleep, poor food choices, yucky workouts or I skip them, anger at myself for not being perfect, anger and impatience with others and situations, and then I beat myself up…. It goes on….

Earlier this week I found myself debating on whether or not I should just give up, buy a bag a jelly beans, and accept that I will continue abusing food and my body for the rest of my life. Thankfully, I reached out to my sponsor and her response was exactly what I needed to hear: I’m sorry the disease is talking to u… This was exactly the moment of clarity I needed. I had been sitting at my desk, not having a conversation with myself, but my irrational dis-ease. I took a deep breath and made a cup of tea. As soon as I was done with work for the day, I rushed to my meditation cushion.

There’s a Zen saying: You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. My usual meditation time is 30 minutes. For the past couple of weeks, I have whittled it down to 15 minutes. There have been really busy days when I have skipped it. So, I set my timer for 30 minutes and sat my butt on my cushion. I have been meditating for 30 minutes a day since then. I so need this daily time of stillness. This is my time to spend in quiet contemplation with the God of my understanding.

Yesterday I realized how I have managed to slip back into little habits that have been upsetting my inner peace. If my mind is chaotic, it will begin manifesting on the outside. If my relationship with Spirit is not strong, then my program begins to weaken. I am grateful for today’s reminder to cultivate my spirituality and all the physical aspects of this dis-ease can (and will be) healed.

One I am in alignment with Spirit, I can see things as the truly are. Just this morning, I was about to get upset about something when I realized it was just my bruised ego and had nothing to do with the other person. I need to mind my own business. I have my own life to manage and right now I have plenty to work on. I have been too caught up in illusions instead of enjoying the realities in my life. I have much to be grateful for.

My False pride. I admit that I have allowed false pride and my ego to get in the way of my progress lately. Things do not have to be perfect, Sheila. All I need to do is try my best and leave the rest to Spirit. I also need to stop feeling sorry for myself when things do not go my way. Once I admit that I am still clinging to old beliefs that no longer serve me, I can do what needs to be done. Change can sometimes be very uncomfortable, but that’s okay. It’s okay to have high standards for myself. I just need to make sure they’re realistic. For example, I beat myself up over getting anything less than an A in my nutrition class. I have to remind myself that learning the material is what is important. It’s not like I’m taking the course for college credit anyhow.

My Food Obsession. I haven’t had a jelly belly in over two years. What would possess, yes, possess me to start thinking about them now??? My recent thoughts about food are nothing more than a reflection of my spiritual fitness. The healthier my spirituality, the fewer obsessive food thoughts I will have. Just as I have learned that my physical health must be maintain on a daily basis, the same goes for my spiritual health.

My Fat. I haven’t weighed myself in two weeks. I know that as long as I keep working my program the weight will come off. Sometimes I am so frustrated. I have lost over 80 pounds but can’t seem to get rid of these last 40 or so pounds. I will keep working my program and leave the rest to my Higher Power. I will not give up hope!

I love the last phase in today’s topic: …the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. I could go on and on but the plain and simple of it is that I have an illness when it comes to food. It is a spiritual illness and the only remedy is the God of my understanding. Unless I rely on my God, I will dwell on the sick illusions that will continue to multiply. I have seen the evidence of this during the past couple of weeks. It started with dwelling on the past which lead to the insomnia which lead to my body and mind being tired which lead to me not going to the gym as much which lead to cravings for sugar and salt to feel better which lead to feels of anger toward myself and impatience with others which led to my inability to meditate and so on and so on and so on…. For me, the God of my understanding is the only antidote.

Forgiveness

Step 2 Writing

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

During today’s meeting we read Step 2 in the OA 12 + 12. I’ve read this chapter many times yet today so many things struck me. It started last night. I realized that my HP, God, has been speaking to me through so many people this week. First it was a quote one of my friends on Facebook posted:

"Relationships never end, because they're of the mind; only bodies can separate. When you're missing someone, know it just means that on a soul level they've come to visit." ~ ♥ Marianne Williamson

This quote was right on time! Earlier that morning I had been thinking about my mother, missing her so much, and beating myself up about it. She made her transition in 1998! So this quote shifted my perspective from thinking that I was hopelessly still mourning my mother’s transition to something very powerful and positive.

The second message came when I shared a thought I have been having lately with my sponsor. I have been very frustrated with myself because I have been obsessing about food, what I can’t have, what I want, why I have to measure my food, why I should continue keeping a food journal, etc. I have been seeing all these wonderful ideas about things to serve at Super Bowl parties and thinking I can’t have any of it. Anyhow, I questioned why I was still having all these thoughts when I thought abstinence was all about the elimination of obsessive food thoughts. My sponsor wisely replied that she occasionally has these thoughts and that they will go away in HP’s time. Again, a shift in my perspective –I want things to happen in my time -- which I have no control over anything. Let go, let God! As a result, for the remainder of the week, I have had the most peaceful time working my food plan.

Thursday was Spin class. Even though I was tired all day, I was so looking forward to it. For whatever reason, class was very hard for me. Fifteen minutes into it I thought about getting off the bike and leaving. Instead, I closed my eyes and kept going. I made it through class and even made some improvement. The instructor advised me to take note of our average RPM each class. Last week I was at 51, this week it was 55. Yet, I was feeling so down and discouraged, telling myself I was way too fat and out of shape for this class. When the instructor said we should be going at least 70, I was at 50, and so on. I was struggling with the resistance, too! The previous week she advised me to focus on resistance and the speed would come. Yet, I still felt discouraged. As I was leaving, she smiled at me and said good job. I went to my car and cried. Part of it was feeling sorry for myself, I also felt embarrassed that she probably noticed how much I was struggling, the rest was gratitude. I needed some encouragement at that time.

Then, last night, out of the blue, one of my fitness pals wrote a comment on my page – “the old you would envy the new you.” I have no idea, except that it was God, why he wrote that. While I would say “admire instead of envy”, he is exactly right. The old Sheila is so very proud of the “new” Sheila. Here was yet another angel, another reminder to just keep doing what I am doing and leave the rest to God. Each time I had some crazy, off-the-wall thought, my Higher Power was right there to set me straight and restore me to sanity. I am very grateful for a very peaceful, abstinent week.

Hope

Step 1 Writing

How willing am I to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable?

Joining OA was a great eye-opener for me. I had a very hard time admitting I was powerless over food. I was raised to believe I could conquer anything. Self-reliance was a HUGE part of my belief system. I was taught that I worked hard I could overcome anything. To a certain degree, I still believe this. However, when it comes to food, I have made some adjustments to my beliefs.

I thought admitting I was powerless meant I was admitting I was weak. Through working the steps I have learned the two are not synonymous. I have no control over my addiction and attachment to certain food and food behaviors. Trying to control something that is uncontrollable is insanity!

When I finally realized my eating was out of control, I did my best to gain control. I did a great job for a while. Willpower worked. I lost weight. When my relationship failed, so did my willpower. I found myself diving back into the food despite my best efforts. I knew I had a choice but I kept making unhealthy choices anyhow.

So, I am willing to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable by working the steps and attending OA meetings. I keep a food diary and check in with my sponsor every day. For the longest time I resisted writing down what I ate. Eating, overeating, was my private ritual. Being accountable to someone for what I eat every day is one way I demonstrate my willingness.

I also had to admit there were certain foods I could no longer eat. I have been willing to give up eating some of my “favorite” foods – potato chips, Crunch and Munch, jelly bellys, Mike and Ikes, cake, and cupcakes, and cookies.

Making a connection between how my overeating was more difficult. I was really hard for me to see how my relationship with food had affected my relationship with people. I became willing to admit there were times I chose food over people. I chose to steal and sneak other people’s foods. I chose to stay in alone and eat instead of going out with others to socialize. I am willing to admit there have been times I have been so focused on the food I was eating that I wasn’t very present during meals or social events. As a result, my relationships with people suffered.

I know have a food plan that helps me stay on track with abstinence and recovery. I make sure I read For Today every day to remind me that I need constant guidance when it comes to my relationship with eating and food. I am willing to check in with my sponsor before and after meal, when necessary. I am willing to identify myself as a compulsive overeater. I am willing to go to meetings. I am willing to reach out to others. I am willing to listen and be of service to other COE’s. I am willing to work the step and my program on a daily basis.

Introduction to Human Nutrition

I'm so excited about the online course I'm taking -- Into to Human Nutrition. It's a course through the University of Florida and Coursera. I received 90% on my Week One quiz and I just completed my Week One assignment. I hope I figured out how to copy and paste it here to share. We also have to track our food and do a weekly assessment of our nutrition. I'm learning so much about nutrition that I know will help me maximize my health and get to a healthier body weight.

Mindfull or Mindful

I saw this photo on Facebook and it speaks so much to what's going on with me right now:

I’m not doing so well today. I’m still dwelling on yesterday. I realize I made a mistake. I went to Subway (no big deal). I’m still upset with myself because I think I should have ordered a 6-inch instead of a footlong. Even though I only eat veggie and cheese, my action plan while eating out is to eat less. I shared how I felt last night with my sponsor. I’ll see how my sponsor responds to my check-in. Usually things that I beat myself up about she doesn’t see the same way. Hopefully I can gain some perspective.

I’m also not happy with myself because I didn’t go to the gym or workout yesterday. One of my goals this year is to be more consistent with my exercise and food plan. However, I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time. I can’t do anything about the choices I made yesterday but I can be mindful of today’s choices.