Tao of Recovery

I just started reading this very fascinating book.  It's not an OA-approved book.  My ex gave it to me over six years ago.  The publisher rented space in her building and was giving away a few titles.  She picked up a few, including this one.  I was reading the Tao Te Ching at the time so I guess that's why she thought I would be interested in reading it.  Wow!  Who would have known years later I would be in recovery.  I never even opened the book until three days ago.  I love it! 

It's a series of interpretations (poetry really) on the Tao Te Ching.  I could really relate to a passage I read in the foreword:

At its essence, recovering is also uncovering - uncovering that which was hidden by alcohol, drugs, abuse, or loss.  Often what was hidden was not, as many of us suspected, some terrible darkness or defect.  Rather, what was hidden was our fundamental inner perfection, our true spiritual nature - what Thomas Merton called "our hidden wholeness."

I can really relate to the uncovering of "true spiritual nature."  I was thinking the other day about how I am working towards being more authentic.  A lot of this has to do with getting out of my dysfunctional relationship.  Honestly, I did not know how dyfunctional it was until last week.  I did not see how much of myself was lost over the last 11 years.  The second part has to do with being abstinent.  I shared this in a meeting earlier today.  I've definitely gained a lot of clarity on my path to recovery. I am finally getting back to me.  I've been abstinent 85 days now.

I was watching the movie "Doubt" today.  I recognized so many sublities I missed in that movie because I was in a fog of food and my relationship.  I flashed back to being very tense with Crystal about something that day.  I remember not really paying attention to the movie because I was preoccupied with whatever B.S. was going on with us at the time.  So, today is the first time I really saw the moview.  I also that about how many other movies I really need to view again now that I can experience the now, being present, and being aware.

Facing my Feelings



I feel myself sinking. I'm angry and I'm sad. I started therapy about three weeks ago.  All these feelings are starting to surface and it's contributing to more urges.  As my sponsor always says...this, too, shall pass.  The nighttime is hard enough without all these other thoughts swirling around in my head.  I will continue to turn over my will to Spirit.  No matter what is going on inside my head or heart, I commit to sticking with my food plan.  I will earn my 90-day coin.

I have to give myself credit for maintaining my abstinence.  My almost 11-year relationship is over.  I moved into a new place on Dec. 1.  Work has been chaotic.  My whole life and routine has been turned upside down and sideways.  Through it all, Spirit, my OA friends, and my super awesome, supportive sponsor have been there to help.  I know I cannot take all the credit for remaining abstinent.  I have been working the steps -- 12 Steps in 12 Weeks.  This has been ambitious.  I'm just an overachiever.  I need to add that to my list of character defects, huh?

Anyhow, I guess I will ramble on some more as this dark cloud hovers over me.  The best thing about living alone is that I do not have to worry about trigger food being around.  My ex often had things around that made these urges and cravings even more intense.  I am going to breathe, pray, and meditate.  I may attend an online meeting in a few meetings.

Consistency vs. Complacency

Today I am convinced that I’m powerless over food, and if I allow complacency in my program, my life will become unmanageable. Voices of Recovery, Dec. 12th

Yes, there are days I struggle with complacency.  It is usually when I have a lot to accomplish in a day.  I have to remind myself that no matter what is going on I must take the time needed to focus on my recovery.  It is my number one priority.  Without taking care of myself, I cannot take care of the other matters in my life.

I have to resist the urge to rush through my morning meditation and prayer time or skip my evening prayer and meditation.  This is ritual has become an essential part of my recovery.  I’ve always prayed and meditated but not like I have been doing since OA.  It’s also important that I check in with my sponsor each day, especially at the end of the day.  I also like to read For Today daily.  These are the basic tools I need to use to help me stay abstinent.  I still want to make writing a part of my basic routine.  I am working on improving in this area.

Even when I am in a good space, I have to mindful of the temptation to use the tools haphazardly.  It is not always perfect but I do my best to be consistent about doing the footwork. I do not want to fool myself that 70+ days of abstinence means I’m cured.  The effort that it took to get me to this place is the same effort that will keep me in recovery, one day at a time.

There are nights I turn off my laptop only to turn it on again, drag it to my bed, and do my meditation before going to bed.  I do ever want to get to a point where I think I do not need to take the time to work my program. I have listened to enough shares to understand how important it is to be consistent with using the tools.

Yours in Recovery,

Sheila

The Past is A Present

I cannot regret my past for it allowed me to endure to the present. ~ For Today, p. 346

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I think about this all the time.  I was under the illusion that compulsive overeating helped me be a more productive and efficient person.  Right now I have a pile of papers to grade.  If I were still in the food, they would be done by now.  There’s no doubt about. I could distract my thoughts and emotions so I could get my work done.  However, the work would be done and the problems would be here.

Now, I pray and meditate to calm my mind.  I ask my HP to help me. There are other times I reach out to my sponsor or others. Online meetings are a tremendous help. There are still other times I just need to deal with whatever is going on and stop resisting or ignoring it.

Being in OA is providing me with a new way of being.  I have met some wonderful people and my life is becoming more manageable.  If it were not for my past, I would not have the wonderful gifts of today.

Thanks for listening,

Sheila