Six Months of Freedom from COE

Today marks six months of abstinence. I cannot believe it! Only by the grace of God am I able to say I have been abstinent for six months. My abstinence hasn’t been perfect but I have done my best to follow the program and work the steps.

I am so happy to say I feel free. It’s been a difficult yet rewarding six months. Without OA, I know I would be absolutely miserable right now. I would still be bound to food and an insatiable appetite. Now, my life is filled with joy, gratitude, and happiness. Food is no longer my focus.
I’ve been focusing on relationships lately—my relationship with myself, others, and most importantly, my Creator.

I wish I had something more profound to say but this is it. I’m abstinent. I’m humbled. I’m grateful.

I Want to be Free!

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m not sure if I’ve already written about this but it has been on my mind all day long today. I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale. I shared this with my sponsor about three weeks ago and I still haven’t done anything about it. The fact that I haven’t put the scale away further lets me know I need to do so. So, why haven’t I?

I weigh myself at least three or four times a day. Actually, it’s probably more like five or six times. Truthfully, I started writing this because I’m sitting here trying not to go weigh myself. Anyhow…
The other day I was praying about this behavior. The answer I received is that it’s not that I can’t put the scale away; it’s that I won’t put it away. Bingo! Woop, there it is! Yep, that’s it – self will…stubbornness.
I guess that’s why it’s bothering me so much today. I am not going to be totally free until I am willing to surrender all to Spirit and my program. I can’t do things my way. My way hasn’t worked in the past so why am I even trying to go there?

I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale yet I am so afraid not to be without it. My sponsor was so brave the other day. She went to an appointment and didn’t even ask the nurse her weight. I was blown away! The poor girl at my doctor’s office already knows my routine. She’s tell me my weight and look for my previous weight because she knows I’m going to ask.

So, I was thinking about this so-called problem today and it’s because I went so long without a scale and not knowing how much I weighed. It wasn’t until I was ill and went to the doctor that I realized I weighed 310 pounds. I vowed I would never weigh over 300 pounds. Yet, I’m somehow under the illusion that if I’d had a scale it would have never happened. This is total B.S. Owning or not owning a scale had/has nothing to do with my weight gain/loss.
I’m somehow under the illusion that when I bought the scale I started losing weight. This is total B.S. too. When I started paying attention to what I was eating and exercising, the only thing the scale did is help me monitor my weight. I would have lost weight despite the scale.
Now with all this analysis and reasoning, I still can’t put the scale away. Even when I was at the gym today, I was plotting…even if I put the scale away, I could weigh myself at the gym…once a week…let’s see…if I put the scale away, I’ll still be able to get my weight when I go to the doctor on April 1…no, that’s too long…. UGH! What the hell is wrong with me??? Just put it away!

UPDATE: Well, I finally did it. After reading the passage in For Today on Wednesday, March 28, there was no way I could not put away the scale. I had to let go of my self will and trust my HP.

Rude Awakenings to Spiritual Awakenings

There are so many things that happened to me last year that shook me to my core and caused me to question everything. I had no idea who I had been living with for the past 11 years. Well, looking back on it, I probably did but I was in denial about it. As I say, the cloudiness of food didn’t allow me to see much back then.

Anyhow, through it all, I have gained so much more than I thought I was losing. Even all the “wonderful” foods I thought I was being asked to give up cannot compare with the wonderful fellowship I have found in OA. My relationship with myself, others, and Spirit is growing each day.
I am not sure I’d be where I am today without those rude awakenings of last year.

I am very grateful to God for my spiritual awakening and pray I never go back to sleep!

Miracle Miles

I went out of town this weekend to attend a memorial service. I am sharing this because I went to remember the miracles which occurred. I love road trips. In fact, I love weekend trips. They were another excuse to eat a bunch of fast/junk food.

I am so happy to share that I drove over 900 miles this weekend and did not eat any fast food. Every once and while the Golden Arches would sing out to me, but I just kept on driving.

I saw my father during this trip. I love my father but we tend to butt heads if we’re in the same room too long. Usually, I would just try to suck it up until I can’t take it anymore and then explode. One of the ways I would have dealt with my Dad was to eat to numb my feelings. This weekend, I stayed present and actually had a nice time. I didn’t force myself to be around my Dad any longer than I wanted to. The old Sheila would have felt very guilty about it. I also thought it was weird when my sister started complaining about my Dad I defended him.

I knew my Dad was going to be there. A few cousins who I hadn’t seen in a decade were also there. I was able to interact with them without much anxiety.

All weekend I did not allow myself to be pressured into doing things I did not want to do. When my Dad’s wife called and asked me to come over, I politely said no. When they tried to convince me to stay longer, I politely said no. I did feel a bit guilty about not staying longer but I got over it quickly.

I was absolutely amazed at how well I did with honoring and taking care of me. On the ride home, my sponsor I shared the miracles I had witnessed all weekend.

Sponsorship

Today I became a sponsor. I am very happy for the opportunity to be of service to someone else. Today as I was praying for guidance, I realized that it is not a coincidence that the day after I end therapy, I become a sponsor. One of the last things my therapist said to me was to keep working in OA so I could help others. Well, I guess she was right.

As I was preparing Step One materials for my sponsee, I realized how I am also going to benefit from going through the steps with her. Today, I read the Step One prayer I used to say every day when I was working on Step One. It’s been a while since I said this prayer. I also reread OA 12 + 12; I receive something new from it each time I read it. I also started reading the Doctor’s Opinion in the AA Big Book.

My sponsor always says to me that I help her just as much as she helps me. Truthfully, I sometime think it’s just some B.S. line she says just so I won’t feel bad about reaching out to her. Now, I know what she means. It’s only been day one and I see how my recovery is going to take on another dimension.