Being Grateful

I had a wonderful time at the retreat this weekend. The first night we were asked what we wanted from the retreat. I asked for willingness. More than anything, I pray for the willingness to do whatever it takes to recover. It was so nice to be surrounded by people who gave me so much hope. There are many people out there working their programs to the best of their abilities. It lets me know that if they can do it, I can too. The most profound thing I took away from the retreat is to be grateful for where I am in my program. So often I am frustrated with myself because I feel I should have dropped more weight by now; I should be more peaceful; I should be less anxious around certain foods; I should be able to eat certain foods and stop at a healthy serving, etc., etc., etc…. The reality is that there are plenty of people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I have been blessed with the gift of abstinence….no more slices of cake, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, Crunch and Munch, jelly beans, Mike and Ikes, Sour Patch Kids, potato chips, cheesecake – none of that stuff. It will be two years, by the grace of God, in October. There’s no way in food hell anyone could have convinced me I’d be able to stop eating that stuff up. While I know there is so much more I can do in my program, I will do a better job at giving myself credit for allowing God to do what I could not do for myself. It took a certain amount of surrendering to get where I am today. For this, I will be forever grateful. Through God’s amazing grace, gratitude, and the willingness to work my program, I will get to that place of serenity and the healthy body weight that I desire. My sponsee shared this with me this morning. It was right on time! I committed to not weighing myself this month and did not keep my commitment. Right before going on the retreat, I weighed myself. I’m not sure why. I just couldn’t take the anxiety. Anyhow, I also weighed myself when I returned. So I’m moving forward and staying off the scale until June 1. I cannot let some number dictate how I feel about myself. I allow that number to tell me if I’m going to be in a good or bad mood, if I’m going to like or dislike myself for the day, if I’m going to eat or not eat in a healthy manner, etc. Enough with the madness!

Retreats

Off to an OA retreat this weekend. I'm sharing on Step 10 on Sunday. My vacation time was approved so I'm going on a ten-day meditation retreat this fall. Ten days of Vipassana Meditation and Noble Silence. I'm so looking forward to this experience.

Have No Fear....

I’m feeling fearful right now. I’m speaking on Step 10 this weekend. I really need to buckle down and prepare. I don’t like to “overprepare” but I do like to have an outline of the points I’d like to make. I haven’t done it. I made a few notes last week and I have no idea where they are. Can you say self-sabotage? I’m anxious about speaking before a group bald. I keep reminding myself that it’s not about me and not to take this so serious. I’m going out after work to purchase a hat, just in case.

Step 10 and Other Stuff

Having trouble sleeping so I decided to get up and catch up on the blogs that I follow.

My program is going well. I need to work on fine tuning my food plan. I have a tendency to get the same foods over and over again because they're safe and I do not have to do much thinking about my meal. However, then I get myself in a jam. While I know food is not supposed to be entertaining, I then get bored with what I'm eating which prompts the urges to binge. At least I'm aware of this. It's half the battle. The other half is doing something about it.

Anyhow, I started this entry to write about Step 10. I've been asked to speak at the end of the month. Not sure what I'm going to say. I guess I'll begin by praying for the wisdom to know what to say and how to say it. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to be of service.

Since this is turning into a hodge podge entry, I'll also mention that I'm not weighing at all this month. This has been tough. I usually weigh weekly, sometimes when I'm anxious, I jump on the scale daily, often, multiple times a day. Anyhow, I decided to release the scale this month and focus on working my program. It hasn't been easy. I'm so tempted to take a peek. However, I want to stop allowing that number to dictate how I feel about myself and the way I'm working my program. I see this as a greater commitment to work Step 3.

Top on my list is to be free from compulsive overeating. I want the promises. I'm getting the promises. Today I felt so free. I know part of it has to do with my meditation practice. I'm gaining so much insight and awareness about myself and my relationship to God.

The Bachelorette

I’ve already shared this with someone this morning. I promised to do some writing and share it with my sponsor. Tonight I’m going to a bachelorette party. I woke up this morning thinking I will save all my eating until the party tonight. All I could think about was the food that’s going to be there. Feeling totally disgusted with myself right now. WTH? It’s not about the food! It’s about having a good time with my family of choice and their friends as their daughter is preparing to get married on Saturday.
I understand that part of what is prompting the food thoughts is social anxiety. I’m not going to know most of the people there. I’m not good at social settings. Ex was great in a room full of strangers so I could follow her lead. Now that I’m flying solo, it’s a bit challenging for me. I don’t want to start eating and drinking because I’m not at ease.

I also feel kind of bad because my friend knows me. She already sent me a text that I better show up. I don’t want her worrying about me when she should be playing hostess. Even though she said she already has enough help, I try to find something to do.

I keep reminding myself that it’s not about me. I need to come up with a solid plan. Do I skip dinner and consider eating at the party a meal? Do I eat dinner at home and skip eating at the party? I could eat a small salad here and eat a bit at the party…. The things a compulsive overeater worries about it!

Bald Barbie

I shaved my head last Saturday. It was the most liberating thing I’ve done in a while. I am going through a grieving period about my locs. I loved my locs. However, I have to be realistic. My hair has not been healthy for quite some time. No matter what shampoo, conditioner, etc. I used my hair was still breaking; looking dull and brittle. Plus, those bald spots were getting larger.

I’m getting used to my new look. Today a friend took me to the M.A.C. counter at Macy’s. I haven’t worn makeup in over 20 years! I kind of had fun trying on makeup. I purchased an eyebrow pencil and some sheer lipstick. I guess this will be part of my new everyday look. I am learning to go with the flow and taking it one day at a time.