Cravings and Closure

I’ve been a little off for a couple of days.  I’ve been having MAJOR cravings.  Sunday I seriously considered buying a box of Crunch and Munch.  So, yesterday, my sponsor asked me what I thought was triggering the cravings.  I didn’t have an answer for her. 

Today I have my speculations.  If it’s what I think it is, I’m so disappointed in myself.  I honestly thought I had moved on.  But…it is what it is.  I have to be honest with myself and face my feelings.  I have no control over them.  Anyhow, Friday when I was picking up my race packet I started feeling this overwhelming sense of panic.  I was within a mile or two of my ex’s place of employment.  I had this irrational sense of terror that I was going to somehow run into her.  It was bad!

Then, to top it off, the next day, due to the course change, we had to go by her previous place of employment.  I felt that same sense of terror and panic.  There was a huge part of me that wanted to stop right there in the middle of the street and start crying.  Why?  I really don’t know.  The best part was that it did help me maintain my pace.  I was tired and really wanted to stop.  However, I just kept running right past that building. 

This is crazy! I can’t spend my life avoiding certain parts of the city because they remind me of my ex!  I also can’t drown my feelings in boxes of Crunch and Munch!  This morning all I wanted to do was rush to the store and buy a box.  So, I’ll do the next best thing! Pray, meditate, write, and sweat it out!  Sweat therapy! I love it!  My back is still bothering me so I’m staying away from running.  I probably shouldn’t have tried to run on Saturday but it was very important to me to participate.  It will eventually pass.  This feelings will eventually pass.

I’m so looking forward to my retreat next week.  I am setting the intention right now that I can release these feelings and get closure once and for all.