Tools of Recovery

I’m leaving for the silent 10-day meditation retreat in two days.  While I’m a bit nervous about it, I’m so looking forward to getting away for a while.  I’m tired and I do need to unplug.  I’m also sick of hearing about this election stuff.  I want to be an informed voter and actively engaged in the democratic progress.  However, I have to admit that lately it is causing anxiety.  I have to make sure I maintain as much calm in my life as possible.  Things have been pretty emotional lately.  I’ve been filled with self-pity.

It’s so true that keeping things in perspective is helpful.  Last night I had dinner with a friend.  We met in a plus-size yoga class years ago.  She was giving me a compliment about completing a 5K and my weight loss.  She has not been doing so well with her eating and weight.  She’s attended a few OA meetings with me but it’s just not her thing.  I would say she’s gained over 100 pounds since we’ve met.  I would guess she weighs over 400 pounds.

I wish there was a way I could support her more.  She started crying about not being about to control her eating.  I did my best to comfort her.  I told her the bottom line for me, when I reached 320 pounds, was that I just decided I couldn’t do it any longer.  I wanted my life and my health back.  I know it’s a scary thing but the fear about the road to recovery is not as great as the fear of being fat and sick all the time…at least for me.  Not really sure what I’m trying to say.  I guess what it all boils down to is that we have to come to that space for ourselves.  Until we do, we are in denial.  When we say we want to change, do we really mean it?  Are we ready to get down and dirty?  Or, are we still waiting for that magic pill?

I suspect my dear friend is still waiting for that magic pill. I can’t say I blame her.  It’s scary.  It’s hard.  I am no way near where I’d like to be and I know there’s still more digging I could and need to do.  There are days I feel like giving up.  There are days I do not give it my all. However, the bottom line is that it can be done.  I’m more afraid of what’s behind me than I am about what’s ahead of me.  Truth is…all I have to do is take it one day at a time.  We all can be shown the tools we need to get the job done but it’s up to us to do the work.