Letting Go

Letting Go

Lately I have been dealing with lessons in letting go. One of my sponsees has been MIA for a while now. After trying to contact her a few times, I finally gave up. I was very frustrated and angry about it for a while. It triggered feelings I had about my ex too. I really do not understand people who can just walk away and not say a word. I am left wondering what happened. There is a huge part of me that is hurt because I feel it says something about how much the person did not value our relationship. All I can do it try not to take it personally and keep moving forward. I eventually let go of the hope that I would hear from this sponsee. It’s been months now.

Once I came to terms with this, my other sponsee stopped checking in. She had been inconsistently checking in for a while. When I approached her about the possibility that maybe I was not the sponsor for her, she recommitted. Then, the inconsistency started again. I started feeling like I wasn’t really doing a very good job supporting her because she kept procrastinating about her 4th step. I even told her that she didn’t have to share it with me right away. I just wanted her to complete it. I’ve been in OA for almost three years and I’ve seen so many people that have not completed the steps. There are people in my face-to-face that have been there before I joined and they still haven’t completed the steps. While I am not judging, I do think that being committed to working the steps is the key to recovery. This is just my observation.

Anyhow, I shared with my sponsor that I was beginning to get angry because this sponsee just stopped checking in. I was doing my best to work the steps, show compassion, and be patient. I knew my anger and frustration was the dis-ease. I know her absence is just the dis-ease, however, I do feel that there is a certain amount of communication that comes along with sponsorship. If you’re struggling and you cannot reach out to your sponsor, something is terribly wrong. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I have struggles too. All I expect is an honest effort. I do not expect more from anyone that I am not willing to give. This is where I come from in any type of relationship. My sponsor is a lot less tolerant with these things. She would have dropped her like a hot potato a long time ago. In fact, she gentle suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of this sponsee too.

This is where I have to do a lot of self-reflection. So many things about my sponsorships remind me of my past relationship – codependency. I want so much to be fair to people and treat them the way I want to be treated. It doesn’t seem to end that way. I would want someone to be patient with me. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Yet, I find myself wanting more for a person than she wants for herself. This happened with my ex, this happened again with my sponsees. I hang in there with them and then they just disappear without a word.

What’s the lesson in all this? I do not know. I do know I am the common denominator and if I’m doing something wrong I would like to figure out what