Trust The Process

Today has been a very humbling day. I had a doctor’s appointment. As you all know, the first thing you have to do is step on the scale. I almost cancelled my appointment because I did not want to step on that scale.

I have been so frustrated with myself and the way I have been working my program. I keep telling myself I can do a better job.
Well, I’m down two pounds. My blood pressure is the lowest it’s been in four years. My other labs were in the normal range. Of course this COE was not happy because she wanted “better” results on that scale.

My doctor had real talk with me. She is very pleased and pointed out that I am the healthiest I’ve been in four years. She reminded me of how far I’ve come. It turns out, however, that my thyroid is out of whack again and it could be the culprit. My number is twice what it should be. So, we are doing some adjustment with my medication.

Bottom line, I need to constantly remind myself to trust the process and learn acceptance. All I can do is follow my food and exercise plans and leave the rest to my HP. I continue to pray that I will be ready to have my HP remove all my defects of character, especially perfectionism. I also need to adjust my attitude and just be grateful.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for the ability to run one mile.
I am grateful I wasn't bitten by those dogs.
I am grateful for my job.
I am grateful for my sisters.
I am grateful that my vacation is next week.

My food has been okay. I really need to go back to tracking my food on My Fitness Pal. I pray for the willingness to do a better job with portion control.

Sponsorless

It feels weird not checking in with M. Yesterday I almost texted her to let her know I was done eating for the day. I felt the same way when I finished my meal prep for the week. Although it feels weird not having another person to be accountable to, it does feel liberating. I know what to do, so do it! The best part of daily check-ins is my daily gratitude list. It's nice to express gratitude and let another know what you are grateful for. So, I did so this morning on my Facebook page.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for my job, my sisters, my cat, and my home. I am grateful for the will to keep moving forward despite all the adversity going on right now. Someone somewhat got a hold of my debit card information. Luckily, I caught it before my checking account was cleaned out. It has caused a big hassle. Trying to do my best to accept life on life's terms.

Changes -- Part Two

Well, I no longer have a sponsor. Part of me is sad and then other part of me feels such a relief. I loved my sponsor with all my heart but lately I was beginning to resent her. I guess it’s time for a change. She was my sponsor for three years and she’s always been a bit overbearing. I appreciated that she wanted to help me become and stay abstinent. I guess what really annoyed me is that she could not see her part in any disagreement we had. Either I agreed with her or I had a problem.

I know she meant well but it became too much for me. She was like a nagging spouse. It did not matter to her if I had been abstinent when I forgot to check in with her. Yes, I agreed to daily check-ins but you would think after three years forgetting to check in every once in a while when I was busy would not have been such a big deal. It was for her.

I guess I am a bit more tolerant. I sponsored people who missed a few days (and were not working their program) and I did not fly off the handle about it. I miss a day or two here and there (while working my program) and it is a federal offense. Yes, I take recovery seriously but I also believe in treating people like they are adults. When I made any attempt to say anything about her tone, her feelings were hurt. Even my therapist laughed about the time she told me she thought I needed to work on my social skills. I thought it was funny that she wasn’t used to someone being so upfront and direct with her. I started getting the feeling something was going on with her. She is sponsoring like seven people. Where does she find the time for all that?

So, Thursday when I received a text from her that she wanted to speak to me about sponsorship, I prayed and made up my mind it was time to move on. Now, for the tricky part…how to do this without hurting her feelings? I decided to play it cool and let her do most of the talking. I just bit my tongue and agreed. After three years, I know I would get nowhere with telling her how I really felt about the situation. Truth is…I felt like she was giving me an ultimatum. I miss a check in and she wants to hold sponsoring me over my head??? Screw that! I want to do my check-ins because I want to do them for me and my recovery, not because I am afraid my sponsor will drop me.

She gave me this speech about being disappointed. She even had the nerve to tell me she thinks I need to go back to therapy. I told her I did not want to waste her time. I cannot express the sense of relief I felt when the call was done. Even though my ego wanted to say more, my heart was so happy I did not hurt her feelings. A part of me feels kind of bad for being a little deceptive but I know she is way too sensitive for me to tell her I am not giving up on my recovery, I’m just sick of her sh*t!

We'll see where this journey leads now...

Changes

First, I would like to be more consistent it updating this blog for two reasons:

1. It is good for me to write, instead of eat, about what is going on in terms of my relationship with food and recovery.

2. I see maintaining this blog as service. I am not sure how many people read it but I do remember, as a newcomer, searching online for OA blogs and being very frustrated. I don't know, not that it is any of my business, if people just stop working the program or just no longer found it necessary to maintain their blogs. Anyhow, I want to do it for anyhow who is out there searching. There are people who continue working the program, one day at a time, for a long time.

I have been having a few struggles lately. I do not deal with change, especially chaotic change, very well. I did my best to have a positive attitude when my manager moved on. I am not digging my new manager at all. She's messy (repeats what others have said) and she's non-communicative. She does not respond to our emails. I think she likes drama. This is making a very frustrating and annoying work environment. I continue to look for ways to let it go and just do my job. It is what it is. The stress only drives me to crave crap that is not good for me. On top of this, I also have to deal with changes to my part-time job.

Last week I mindlessly ate four Odwalla bars before I knew it. This is a huge red flag to jumping back on that binge wagon.

So what was my word for the day yesterday? Acceptance. Whatever comes my way, accept it, especially if it is something you cannot change. I also accept the fact that I need to change something I have to take action.

Today my word is impermanence. Life is always moving and changing. The best thing I can do is stay in the moment. This is the place I find peace and joy.

I have been saying a prayer to release resentment for about three weeks now. I am determined to say it each day until the thoughts dissipate. I realize that past resentments are beginning to creep to the surface because I need to deal with my character defects. Recovery is an ongoing process. At first a started beating myself up about these defects. Now I have accepted that they have resurfaced for me to learn whatever it is I need to learn, heal, and keep moving on.

I found some Step 7 worksheets online and used them to help me get started. I've used the OA workbook in the past. I just felt lik doing something a little different:

7) Humbly asked Him (God) to remove our shortcomings.

What shortcomings? The “exact nature of our wrongs” in step 5 is expressed in terms of “defects of character” in step 6, and offered up to God for removal as “shortcomings” in step 7. Bill Wilson, when asked why he used three different sets of words to define character defects, said it was to avoid repetition. Therefore, he intended that there be no significant distinction. Some members waste time needlessly by differentiating the three expressions, which we term, simply, as character defects.
When step 5 is performed well, we leave with a list of our character defects. In step 6 we progressively become willing to have these removed from us, and in step 7 we pray that they might be.
Make a grid similar to that below, and list your defects of character in it. If an example we have entered applies to you, let it remain. If not, replace it with one of yours that is not listed.

Character Defect Willingness to have removed

Perfectionism Almost willing
Anger Absolutely willing
Dishonesty Absolutely willing
Fear Absolutely willing
Resentment Absolutely willing
Arrogance Give me more time
Ego Absolutely willing
Selfishness Absolutely willing
Pride Almost willing
Impatience Almost willing

Willingness for removal. We have identified five possible levels of your willingness to have each character defect removed. These are:
1) Already removed
2) Absolutely willing
3) Almost willing
4) Give me more time
5) Never


As you know from reading the 12&12, our stubborn insistence to “never” allow a defect to be removed must, itself, be removed.
If your willingness level for any item is not 1) or 2), you will want to repeat the exercise again later.


ASSIGNMENT AND QUESTIONS ON STEP SEVEN
Read step seven in the OA 12 &12 or p.76 in the Big Book and answer the following questions.

1. What is your definition of humility and how does it differ from humiliation?

My definition of humility is admitting that I need help and guidance in my life. My way of doing things has made a mess of my life…that is humiliation. In order to live a peaceful, serene life, I need help and guidance. Humility is asking for this help.

2. Why do you want to have your shortcomings removed?

I want the shortcomings removed because I want the suffering to end. I know I can have a much happier life without them.

3. Have you made a list of your shortcomings? Please share about one of them and any insights you have about it.

Arrogance. My arrogance has led to a lot of trouble. While I honestly thought I was making good decisions, I can know see it was my own arrogance and ego that clouds my judgment.

4. What positive trait do you want to develop or substitute for that shortcoming?

Self-confidence. I think my arrogance comes from a lack of self-confidence. I was expected to know the answers. I had a tremendous amount of responsibility dumped on me as a child. If I made a mistake, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I use arrogance to mask my insecurity.

5. Which of your character defects do you think helped you survive in the past?

My pride. My pride and ego have been my driving force.

6. How willing are you to make changes and what can you do to show your willingness?

Right now. I don’t know. I feel I was willing in the beginning but I have grown impatient. I am not sure what I can do to show my willingness.

7. How do you think that becoming ‘right-sized’ would help you in navigating your way through life?
Truthfully, I do not think it would help. No matter which size I am if I still have the same C.D.s my life will not be peaceful.

8. Can you visualise yourself as the person you will be without the character defects you found? How will you think, act and feel?

Truthfully, visualizing myself with my C.D.s makes me a little uneasy. Even though I have seen how much easier life can be when I choose God’s will over my own, there is a part of me that still feel uneasy and untrusting about the process.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago there was an incident with my ex, I did not react or engage. I know it was the best thing to do. There is still a part of me that feels passive and abused like I am not sticking up for myself.


Then say the following 7th step prayer from the AA Big Book every day for one week.

SEVENTH STEP PRAYER: My Creator, I am now willing that You have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding. (Seventh Step Prayer - Page 76 of the Big Book)

Resentment

Today was a pretty rough day. I feel like I have the sore that has barely healed and someone just came along a ripped off the scab. Thankfully, I chose to respond rather than react. I spent some time this afternoon reading Chapter Five in the Big Book. I also prayed a prayer to release resentment.

I am so grateful I did not pick up the phone a yell and scream like I really wanted to. I did eat like crap for dinner. Instead of a meal, I ate two protein bars, pretzels, and strawberries. I am not going to beat myself up about it. I could have done a better job. I could have been worse too.