On Vacation

Well, I am on vacation. Today when I logged off my computer I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Hell, being on vacation meant it was time to pig out and eat a bunch of junk food.

First, there was the sadness that I am on vacation alone this year. It’s going to take some getting used to. Second, I understand food wasn’t going to be a central part either. No partner. No junk food. Boy, oh, boy. What am I going to do?

My sponsor and I came up with an action plan last night. I hate keeping food logs. I normally don’t have to submit my food to my sponsor…just yes or no that I followed my plan. However, I do feel it is important for me to be very concise about what I am going to be eating. So, I am going to submit my food and/or take a photo of it and text it to her. Yikes!

Now, this is in addition to bookending my meals. I also need to attend at least one face-to-face meeting during my vacation. Haha! It appears there is no vacation from being a compulsive overeater.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

Well, this is a great question. For the most part, I was under the impression I was in touch with my feelings. I do not believe in false cheerfulness. I do not believe in hiding my feelings. If I’m sad, I’m sad. If I’m mad, you will know it. However, I now see how I managed my feelings by numbing them out with food. I used food to cope with disappointment and loneliness as a teen. In adulthood, I used food to cope with stress. As a student, I would eat and study. As a professional, I would eat and work. Munching kept me alert and awake.

During my previous relationship, I gained over 100 pounds. For the record, I accept full responsibility for my COE. However, I am now convinced that the weight gain was directly related to how I managed the stress of that relationship. While I believed I was happy in the relationship, I can see how tolerated certain situations by numbing out with food. The fact that my ex also loved to eat as much as I did indirectly contributed to my dis-ease too.

I used food to help me deal with my feelings so I would not experience them as intensely as they presented themselves.

So, the answer to the question is “no.” I was under the illusion I was in touch with my feelings. Now that I have been abstinent for almost eight months, I uncovered a tremendous amount of anger and resentment.

Here is a First Step Inventory of my Compulsive Eating History

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am going through the steps again with my sponsor. I completed Step Zero earlier this week. I am starting to work my way through the 12-step Workbook for Overeater's Anonymous.

I would say my compulsive eating started in my early teens. Up until 12 years old, I was underweight. I did not adjust well to adolescence and turned to food for comfort. I spent a lot of time babysitting my younger brothers and sister because my mother returned to school. I was responsible for preparing meals twice a week. Truthfully, I resented this responsibility. I wanted to be able to hang out with my friends after school. Instead, I had to rush home and prepare dinner.

I started experimenting with different recipes in order to cheer myself up and make the task less boring. I also developed an interest in baking. So, I cooked and ate. There were times I would have a full meal before I served dinner and would eat with the rest of the family. I started gaining weight and this isolated me even further from my peers. I was the fat, folly girl. From high school through grad school, my weight fluctuated between 170 to 210 pounds.

I continued to use food as a comfort and escape from my emotions throughout high school, college, and grad school.

I only made a few attempts to diet throughout my life. In my late 20s I tried Deal-A-Meal and most recently I tried Medifast. Although I was “heavy,” my weight did not “interfere” with my life until my 40s. I began having a number of obesity-related illnesses: Diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, and hypothyroidism. At my highest, I weighed 320 pounds. It wasn’t until I learned I had severe sleep apnea that I could no longer deny that food was destroying my life and my health. I couldn’t even walk around the block. When I tried to stop eating, I learned that I needed more than willpower to help me overcome my problem.

The Trap

I’ve been really struggling lately. Today I thought I was almost there. Relapse. I have read or heard somewhere that there are a thousand steps toward a relapse. It doesn't just happen. By the time you take that first bite, you've taken a number of steps toward the food. Well, I’ve probably taken 999 of those steps.

I’ve just had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks. I can't seem to release it. A lot of it is anger and resentment. I’m still so pissed off at myself and my ex. Every time I think I’m over it, something else pops up. I just wish I would let it go. I just have to acknowledge that loving someone does not mean I have to be with that person. In fact, at this point in my life, the best thing I can do is focus on loving myself.

It’s just my ego that bruised and damaged. How much more evidence do I need that a person doesn’t give a damn about me? I mean, really!
Anyhow, carrying around this huge load of anger and resentment is really wearing me down. Today I thought…Sheila, you have been abstinent over 200 days. Why do you feel this way?

I haven’t completed a 10th step inventory in weeks. I haven't logged my food in four days. I didn’t check in with my sponsor two days in a row. Today she called me on it. I spent some time praying and meditating this afternoon. I then talked to my sponsor and told her I want to go through the steps again. Her reaction surprised me. She was so excited. Here I am feeling defeated and she thinks it’s just the greatest thing in the world that I recognized what was happening. It just goes to show me how messed up my thinking is becoming. Why can’t I at least give myself credit for not turning to food?

The dis-ease has been doing its best to convince me that I could make it without the check ins, meetings, and daily inventories. I’ve been following my food plan and reading recovery material. I’m still abstinent so I’ll be all right. I don’t need this OA crap. The dis-ease has been telling me I am going to be bound to this crap all my life. I then told myself I have a choice. I can be a trapped in OA, or I can be a trapped in the food. Either way I’m going to be trapped.

My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

***

I will be going to my hometown in a few weeks. I have a number of amends to do while I’m in town. To date, I’ve only completed a third of my list. In a few weeks, my list will be nearly complete. I am going on an amends marathon! This is going to be VERY interesting....

Step 11

or Seeking through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God….

Not much going on with my recovery. I recently joined an 11th Step Meditation group. I love it! It’s comprised of all sorts of addicts. We’re currently reading, The Art of Recovery.

While I am continue to check in with my sponsor, attend the meditation meetings, and attend an occasional online meeting, I cannot tell you when I’ve attended a face-to-face meeting. Truthfully, I do not miss them. I really never connected with either meeting I attended. I did like the Saturday morning meetings better than the crowded Sunday night meetings, but I find it very difficult to get up and get there at 9 am. I’m surprised my sponsor hasn’t said much to me about it. In the beginning, she was adamant about me attending face-to-face meetings. Now, as long as I attend at least one online meeting, I’m content. I know that I do not want to get in a place of being too content.

I am enjoying the meditation meetings. They are helping me to quench the flames of anger and resentment that came up to the surface while working on steps four, five, and six. As I continue working on my relationship with Spirit, I improve my relationship with myself…and others.

Namaste!