The Trap

I’ve been really struggling lately. Today I thought I was almost there. Relapse. I have read or heard somewhere that there are a thousand steps toward a relapse. It doesn't just happen. By the time you take that first bite, you've taken a number of steps toward the food. Well, I’ve probably taken 999 of those steps.

I’ve just had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks. I can't seem to release it. A lot of it is anger and resentment. I’m still so pissed off at myself and my ex. Every time I think I’m over it, something else pops up. I just wish I would let it go. I just have to acknowledge that loving someone does not mean I have to be with that person. In fact, at this point in my life, the best thing I can do is focus on loving myself.

It’s just my ego that bruised and damaged. How much more evidence do I need that a person doesn’t give a damn about me? I mean, really!
Anyhow, carrying around this huge load of anger and resentment is really wearing me down. Today I thought…Sheila, you have been abstinent over 200 days. Why do you feel this way?

I haven’t completed a 10th step inventory in weeks. I haven't logged my food in four days. I didn’t check in with my sponsor two days in a row. Today she called me on it. I spent some time praying and meditating this afternoon. I then talked to my sponsor and told her I want to go through the steps again. Her reaction surprised me. She was so excited. Here I am feeling defeated and she thinks it’s just the greatest thing in the world that I recognized what was happening. It just goes to show me how messed up my thinking is becoming. Why can’t I at least give myself credit for not turning to food?

The dis-ease has been doing its best to convince me that I could make it without the check ins, meetings, and daily inventories. I’ve been following my food plan and reading recovery material. I’m still abstinent so I’ll be all right. I don’t need this OA crap. The dis-ease has been telling me I am going to be bound to this crap all my life. I then told myself I have a choice. I can be a trapped in OA, or I can be a trapped in the food. Either way I’m going to be trapped.

My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

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I will be going to my hometown in a few weeks. I have a number of amends to do while I’m in town. To date, I’ve only completed a third of my list. In a few weeks, my list will be nearly complete. I am going on an amends marathon! This is going to be VERY interesting....