Step Four – The Second Time Around

“Change begins with honesty.” OA 12 + 12, Page 30

It’s that time. It’s time to take a fearless and courageous inventory. I am dreading it as much as I did the first time around. However, I am curious to see how differently the steps will be with months versus weeks of abstinence this time.

I completed the OA 12 + 12 reading this morning and wrote down the following key words:

• Self-analysis
• Process of transformation
• Honesty
• Self-awareness
• Searching and Fearless

I found my notes from my first Step Four reading notes and my list looked like this. Unfortunately, I did not date this entry in my journal (the entry before it is dated 10/22/10 and the entry after it is dated 11/6/10):

• Surrender
• Resentment
• Transformation
• Willingness
• Fearlessness
• Denial
• Honesty
• “Utilize, not analyze”
• HOUSECLEANING

I am not sure how much of my inventory I will be sharing on this blog. However, I am ready.

Stone Buddha

Meditation meeting was awesome tonight. I love when I get just what I need right when I need it. I'm too sleepy to write about the stone Buddha. Right now, the image is just enough.

Today has been one trying day. I felt my thoughts being pushed into my past. On the other hand, I am also being pulled into a future. I do not want either. Very grateful I know I have a choice.

Right now I want to stay right where I am...in the Now. It is very calm and serene here. I am happy here. Tonight, I am very grateful for this moment.

Thank you, Father, Mother, God, for 300 days of abstinence!

Decision Time - Part II

4. How do I feel about completely turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

This is still a challenge for me. I know it is because of my previous belief system about how God works in my life. There is also a huge part of me that has been so disappointed in the past when I did ask for guidance and felt I did not get it. I know that my HP was not the problem and that I was not able to receive the guidance correctly because I was not in my right mind.

5. Do I have eating guidelines? Will I ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day? Explain.

Yes. There are certain foods I have decided to avoid. Another guideline is portion control. I also try to keep my calories within a certain range. I have to admit I do not always ask God for the willingness to live within these guidelines. There are days I take it for granted that I will be abstinent. I do pray before my meals and express gratitude for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinent for all COEs.

There are days, I resent my eating guidelines. I hate all the measuring. Lately I have been sloppy with my portions. When I get like this, I go back to foods I know I can eat without measuring because I have eaten them so often and know the portion without having to measure.

6. If occasionally the obsession returns, how do I get through these times without overeating?

Lately I have been eliminating the amount of food I keep in my apartment. The best thing for me to do is bookend my meals with my sponsor reminding myself that I am done with my meal. I will also avoid situations when I am not sure I can follow my program. I will eat my meal at home before going to a social event.

7. How do I reach the decision to turn my will and life over to a Higher Power?

I do this by reminding myself how powerless I am over food and how my life became unmanageable. I also remind myself how much better I feel when I do surrender.

Decision Time

OA Workbook Questions – Step Three

1. In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?
This has a tough one for me. I struggle with “weight loss is not our only goal.” I have been willing to accept that my body may not be meant to be as small as I’d like it to be. I am also accepting that what is “normal” eating for someone else may not be “normal” eating for me.
As far as body image, I recently noticed that I have a distorted image of my body. I was totally unaware of this fact. Before OA, I thought I was smaller than my actual body size. Now that I have been abstinent and lost some weight, I learned I believe I am bigger than my current body size. More than anything, I want to adopt an accurate body image and no that my ideal body size is one that reflects good health and not vanity.

2. What has my attitude been about food and eating?
Before OA, I was totally obsessed with food and eating. If I wasn’t eating, I was thinking about food. If I wasn’t thinking about food, I was eating. I also watching shows on The Food Network was a hobby.

3. Am I ready to give up self-will regarding food? Explain.
In all honesty, I still do not think I am ready to give up self-will, not completely. I say “not completely” because I continue to give up my self-will and then take it back continually. Even though it hasn’t gotten to the point of a relapse, I recognize that it is a problem. One of my OA friends share the following that I really find helpful: I rely on Higher Power, not will power. This saying has really stuck with me because I have a tendency to rely on my will power when I really should surrender to my Higher Power.

Insanity!

5. How have I not acted sanely when:

c. I was more comfortable with food than with people?

I could probably write an entire book considering this question. Isolation was/is huge for me! I could say I’ve had a love affair with food. I enjoyed planning and cooking meals. I enjoy the meal preparation much more than enjoying the meal with others or the actual entertaining.
I don’t like eating in a large crowd of people. In fact, I prefer eating alone. I enjoy my food much better when I eat alone. For the most part, I have always been this way. As a child, I wanted to eat my meals before or after my family. When I was a teenager, I would often eat alone in my room.

d. I limited my social life?

As I’ve shared before, I have been hesitant to go I when and if I didn’t feel I would have control over when and where I would be eating my meals. At times, I would rather sit home alone and enjoy my trigger foods than go out with friends. I can remember turning down invitations because I was planning a binge.

e. I drew the drapes, disconnected the telephone, and hid in the house?

There was a short time in my life when I did this. Looking back, I thought a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was mourning. I quit my job. I had a terrible Internet addiction at the time. I remember one time my friend came over to check on me because she hadn’t heard from me and I wasn’t returning her calls. I had been engaged in a weekend binge and chat room marathon. I remember I wouldn’t let her in because there were potato chip, pizza, and Haagen Das containers that I did not want her to see.