Work In Progress

 

There’s more work to be done.  Lately I have been having HUGE urges to binge.  I’ve been craving potato chips like crazy.  Last week was a really rough week for me.  I had at least three incidents of crying for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I think I started putting my finger on what’s going on with me.  A few weeks I saw a Facebook post my ex made to a mutual friend.  She mentioned that she was shopping for Christmas ornaments.  Resentment reared its ugly head.  There was a part of me that is so disgusted with her.  First of all, how many fucking ornaments do you needs? (Really none of my business)  Second, now that you’re greedy ass is buy more ornaments, can I have my mother’s and grandmother’s ornaments back!!!!! 

Yesterday, after hiking, we stopped by this little café that had a gift shop.  When I saw all the beautiful ornaments, I had this feeling that I wanted to cry.  This is when it all made sense to me.  I know those things are long gone but I guess deep down, now that the holidays are around the corner, I am mourning the loss of those things…and my mother.  I’m kind of pissed at myself because I thought this was resolved and I’d let it go.

Also, last night during a conversation, my cousin said someone asked about me and then asked about my ex.  He said he told her that I rarely mention ex these days.  I thought, yeah, that’s true but I still think about her.

The other day I was reading something (and I wished I’d bookmarked it) that said that if you, as an addict, find yourself questioning why a person behaves a certain way then it’s time to take a fourth step inventory.  In general, this statement really struck me.  Today when I was meditating, this statement reappeared when I was thinking about the reappearance of my thoughts about my ex and resentment.  I have to remind myself that she is a sick person.  Who knows why it was so important for her to do the things she did?  What’s more important is that I’m still suffering and in pain about something that happened over two years ago.  I must accept that she doesn’t give a shit.  I have my own sickness to do with.  I’m sure there are things that I did that hurt her.  Even though my actions may not have been as deliberate, I have a hand in this matter and it’s the only one I have any say over.

So, I will continue to work on dropping the rope, letting go of resentment, and forgiving her and myself.  I am also very grateful to know where these feelings are coming from so I can work on healing.