Communication

I just had a conversation with my sponsor about the issues we’ve been having.  I must say I feel much better about the situation.  I had to laugh because she thinks it boils down to me and a lack of social skills.  I am glad we had the conversation because it does give me some insight into how to interact with her.

I feel she just has expectation about how people SHOULD communicate.  I tend to be very upfront and direct.  I think she a little too sensitive for my style.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am open and willing to learn and change.  However, I feel it just boils down to her perception of me. ..which is her problem, not mine.  I’m all about being authentic.   We all see the world through our own filters.  I have no idea what filters make my sponsor perceive me the way she does and vice versa.

I have no interest in bending over backwards or kissing her ass.  I do think it’s interesting that she doesn’t think she’s part of the problem.  None of us are perfect.  This is the part I thought was funny.  Things will be better between us of I work on myself.  I love it!  It’s cool.  I love my sponsor and I don’t need to take this too seriously.  As long as she understands I did not intend to hurt her feelings, I’m cool.  I also need to be aware that I need to be a little more careful with her because she’s on the sensitive side.

This leads me to something I read in the 12-Step Buddhist about group dynamics and how we’re all a group of misfits yet there are misfits within the group of misfits.  I’m a misfit within a group of misfits.  I don’t fit neatly into the 12 step mold.  For example, I’ve been going to my face-to-face meeting for four months and each time I say hi to this guy who is like one of the unspoken leaders of the group (he has 20+ years of abstinence) he always asks me if I’m new, my name, and whether or not I have a sponsor.  The last time he asked me I almost said…dude, you ask me this every time we speak.  My point is that the meeting has it little clique and doesn’t realize how it alienates new members.  It really doesn’t bother me because I’m used to it.  However, I can imagine how other new members might feel.  This is one of the reasons I do make it a point to say hi to someone new.  I remember how it was to be new.  Only a few people in the group will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.

My sponsor is all about rainbows and sunshine.  She’s very idealistic.  While I’m not doom and gloom, I tend to be more realistic.  I’m not going to agree with something just because it’s part of program.  If it doesn’t work for me, it just doesn’t.  As long as I feel I’ve given it an honest effort, I’m cool with it.  If I don’t agree, I’m not going to say so just for conformity sake.  I really get frustrated when I and simply expressing how I feel and she slaps me on the hand (so to speak) about being positive.  So, tonight when I told her this she said she just thinks I’m being manipulative.  So, I asked, how am I supposed to ask for help if I feel I can’t express myself honestly?  The bottom line is she just doesn’t get it and she doesn’t realize how inflexible she is.  It just helped me realize there are just certain things I just do not need to discuss with her. 

Anyhow, Littlejohn goes on to say that the demographics of the program and the complexities of addiction factor into why people relapse.  It’s not as simple as just working the steps.  People in program feel alienated.  He says those that are successful fit into a certain demographic  and speak the language of the program.  I'm interested in abstinence, healing, and wholeness, not being a 12-step parrot.

My Food Plan

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

Now, that I have four months abstinence, I decided to make some changes to my food plan.  My food plan was developed around my eating behaviors.  I recently had a consultation with a dietician.  We decided to make some small changes to my food plan:

Here's my new plan:

• Avoid sweets and potato chips
• Portion control
• No second helpings
• No eating after 9 pm
• At least 32 oz. of water
• 4 – 5 servings of fruits and veggies

Random Thoughts on a Friday Night

My therapy session went well on Monday.  I am so glad I was able to work out some issues concerning my ex.  We moved onto other issues.  We discussed the situation with my ex.  I love my therapist.  After speaking with her, I do feel some compassion for my sponsor.  I’m still not sure what to do.  I want to honor her feelings yet I do not think our relationship is going to be very effective if it isn’t resolved soon.  Maybe we’ve gone as far as we can go together.  I’m also thinking that maybe she doesn’t have enough experience as a sponsor.  After all, she only has two more months abstinence than me.  Like my therapist suggested, maybe I triggered something.  I also like how my therapist pointed out that I could use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  She suggested that I speak with my sponsor.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that when she won’t speak with me on the phone right now. 

It’s really not serving me.  Tonight I feel like talking and I can’t call.  It does give me the opportunity to reach out to others for support.  However, I still can’t help resent the fact that if I called my sponsor she wouldn’t take my call.  I’ve thought about calling anyhow…but I’m not sure if she would see it as a sign I’m not honoring her request and I’m not sure how I would react if she rejected me.  All I know is that this is not good for my recovery.

Resentment

I wanted to write a little something about the resentment I've been feeling toward my sponsor.  I've been praying and meditating about it and finally received some guidance.  Thank you, Spirit!

Anyhow, I'm working on a Fourth Step Inventory and I feel so much better about it already.

I remember hearing someone at a meeting say, "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I’m ready

How many times have you heard someone say “I’m ready” when they really weren’t?  It was a way of stalling.  This is the difference between saying I’m ready to have my defect removed and being ready.  Actions speak louder than words. 

I was reading in the OA 12 + 12 that one of the main reason we say we’re ready versus actually being ready is fear.  Change is scary.  However, I’m in a space right now in my life that I am not afraid of change.  I want to change and I will do anything to get there.

120 Days!

With the grace of God, my sponsor, the steps, and my OA friends, I have been abstinent for 120 days!  I am so grateful for my abstinence.  I cannot express how good it feels to be in this space right now.  In addition, I am at the lowest weight I've been in five years.  This morning I weighed in at 236 pounds.  Even though OA is not a weight loss program, this is one of its many blessings. 

I'm not going to fool myself.  I must continue to stay the course, do the footwork, and take it one day at a time.  Abstinence is the most important thing in my life.  I will do what it takes to maintain it and treat it with respect.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I will always be a compulsive overeater.  I am powerless over food.

Keeping My Side of the Street Clean

This situation with my sponsor has really been bugging me.

I’ve thinking this situation really isn’t good for my self-esteem.  After all, who wants a sponsor who won’t even speak with you on the telephone?  I was falling into victim mentality.  It’s so like me to want to be a martyr.  I am not a victim!  I refuse to allow this negativity into my consciousness!  New sponsor or not…the common denominator is me.  My job is to take my own inventory.  My job is to take care of myself and make sure I keep my side of the street clean.  If I am doing this to the best of my ability, I have done all I can do. 

This morning I realized I’ve been here before -- me feeling like I’m to blame for everything; me feeling like the other person does not feel like she at fault at all in a situation; me feeling like my perspective was not even considered. It does take two.  I used to feel like a monster when I felt my ex misunderstood me.  Is this a pattern?  Perhaps.  It certainly feels like it.  Whatever it is, I know there is an opportunity for growth.

Anyhow, I plan to continue doing my check-ins with my sponsor while praying for guidance, praying for humility, praying for answers. If a new sponsor is in order, I know God will direct me to her.  After all, I wasn’t even looking for a sponsor when I found my current one.