Isolation

Isolation
There’s a huge part of me that wants to go back into my shell. I hear, what is the use of opening up and letting someone in only to have your heart stumped on? It is only my dis-ease calling me. However, I hear the voice of God much louder saying, it’s okay. I will take care of you.

At today’s meeting, I surrendered my self-will. I also made a huge mistake. However, I am grateful to God I did not go through with my plan. I have to let God take care of this for me. If I try, I will only make things worse. I’m done with that.

I don’t have to be afraid to be vulnerable. I will not be afraid of sharing my feelings. What happened was more about the other person than it was about me. Yes, I played my role. However, I was honest and I was true. Love recognizes love.

The Rhythm of Life

The past couple of days have been very challenging. I’m finding it very hard to stay present. The good part is that I remind myself that my thoughts have no power and that I do not have to act them. The hurt and sadness will eventually pass; turning to food will not solve the issue. In fact, nothing will “solve” the issue because I have no control over it. I am powerless over people, places, and things. This thought frustrates me sooooo much but I must accept it if I want serenity.

“When life as it really is becomes a fact that I accept as naturally as I breathe, events lose their power to throw me off balance or disturb the basic rhythm of life.” I’m not sure where I found this quote or who said it but its meaning rings so true for me today. This, too, shall pass.

Keep Coming Back!

Great meeting today. I had a nice long chat with someone who has over 20 years abstinence. She reminded me that abstinence isn't about the weight loss. She also shared that even now she will often weigh and measure her food. I truly felt she understood where I was coming from. This is the one thing I love about my home meeting.

Anyhow, she shared some great experience. She invited me not to be afraid to experiment with my food plan. This frightens me a bit because it took me a while to get to a place where I am not always obsessing about my next meal. I'm a creature of habit and believe that if it's not broke don't try to fix it. However, my food plan, as it is, is not working for me. I do want to release at least 40 more pounds.

I like what she shared about recording how different foods react in the body and in the mind. I could have some food sensitivities. Even though a certain food isn't a trigger food, it may not metabolize efficiently in my body.

I talked to my sponsor about it and she's willing to support me in added this to my food diary.

I also have an appointment with a nutritionist in two weeks.

So, I guess I'm not dropping out of OA and going on a diet.

Going Through the Motions

I’m been having a rough time this week. I am been full of self-pity. I am not happy with the fact that I haven’t lost any weight in months. Although my sponsor does her best to reassure me, I really have to question whether or not I’ve been abstinent. I haven’t been losing any weight. My food plan is designed for me to be working toward a healthy weight.
The truth is I have not had one bite of my trigger foods and I have been working out on a regular basis. However, I could do a better job with my portions. There are days I am lazy about pulling out the measuring cups and spoons. I also need to go back to a strict rule of no eating after 9 pm. I think I need to add getting adequate sleep to my action plan. I haven’t been sleeping well. Fatigue is a huge trigger for me. When I’m tired, it is much more difficult to stay present.

I have been dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. This is a major no-no for me. I need to be present in order to work the steps. If not, I’m just going through the motions. So far this week, I think I have been going through the motions.

I also realize I’ve gone out three times this week. This is odd for me. However, I haven’t felt like spending my evenings home alone. Tonight when I was driving home I really questioned my behavior this week. Do I really want to socialize or am I running away from being alone? Truthfully, I am not sure. I do know that I haven’t been very present this week. Once I get centered, I will be able to get in touch with my true feelings.

Bad Dreams

I just had a dream, no, I had a nightmare about my ex! I don’t know where those emotions came from. It’s the weirdest thing. I guess it’s because I was thinking about how much things have progressed for me.
Last night, after a meeting, someone said it has been nice watching me grow in program. This was the second time I heard that this week. I led a meeting on Saturday and someone approached me and said the same thing.
So, I guess that nightmare was my subconscious’ way of letting me know I still have more growth to do. Lol! It was the most vile and violent dream I’ve had in ages. There are no words to describe how sick that relationship was. It’s over now. I’m just so glad it was a dream and not reality.

Right now I am working on acceptance. I am accepting that it was just a dream. The mind immediately wants to analyze and all that crap but I’m not going there! I’m not going to the kitchen either!
Hopefully, I can get back to sleep….

One Year

It's been exactly one year that I have been living alone.

I wish I had something interesting or profound to say about it. I've been thinking about all day today. For the most part, I have been thinking about how sad I was when I moved; I was sad, angry, and broken.

I'm glad I can say I'm in a much better place now. Throughout the transition, I did not turn to food for comfort. What a miracle!

Step Six Chart

WILLINGNESS is the principle behind the 6th Step. Once we are aware of our defects of character, our task is to be willing to do the footwork of the program and keep ourselves open and willing to the metamorphosis that HP will facilitate in our lives.

One more issue involved in the Sixth Step is who we will be once our defects of character are removed.

What are some of my character defects and their positive counterparts?

Character Defects/Shortcoming--->Program Principles
Self-seeking---> Service
Dishonest---> Honest
Judgmental---> Tolerance/Acceptance/Compassion
Fear---> Courage
People Pleaser---> Acceptance/Humility
Pride---> Humility/Seeking God’s will
Anger---> Acceptance/Love/Serenity
Perfectionism---> “Progress, not Perfection”
Impatience---> Patience/Serenity
Intolerance---> Tolerance/Serenity
Resentment---> Acceptance/Serenity/Forgiveness
Anger/Hate---> Love/Tolerance
Harmful Acts---> Good deeds
Self-pity---> Gratitude/Love/Acceptance
Ego---> Willingness/Awareness
Self-Will---> Willingness/Surrender
Arrogance---> Humility
Suspicion---> Trust
Doubt---> Faith
Low self-esteem---> Acceptance/Humility