Let Me Eat Cake -- NOT!

Today is my birthday.  It will be my second birthday with having a birthday cake.  I absolutely loved birthday cake.  I would buy a birthday cake even when it wasn't my birthday.  Then I discovered a place that sold birthday cake slice! Now, that was a great gift....NOT! 

I am on vacation visiting a friend.  I spent my birthday here two years ago and I one of my last "great" binges.  I ate a whole birthday cake.  I had just joined OA so it took me about three days to eat the cake instead of inhaling the entire thing in a day or two.  Anyhow, a month later I was blessed with the gift of abstinence.

So, today for my birthday I am going for a jog.  My initial goal for myself was to be able to job one mile nonstop by my 50th birthday.  I know I can comfortably run one mile so today I'm going to try to go for 2.5 miles.  Happy Birthday to me!

Self Will

I have not been doing so well lately.  Today I came within seconds of making a bad decision.  I went out to lunch with a friend.  I've been to this place a thousand times and know they serve potato chips with their sandwiches.  For whatever reason, I did not say, "no chips."  The whole time I sat there knowing my sandwich was being prepared and they were going to put chips on my plate.

The server comes and puts my plate in front of me.  I look at the bag of chips and toss them aside.  I start eating my sandwich, pick up the bag of chips and look at the calories.  150 calories.  Not bad, I tell myself.  I toss it aside again.  All sorts of thoughts are going through my mind.  "You can handle this.  It's been almost two years....one bag of chips isn't going to hurt...."  The more I wrestled with my thoughts about eating the chips, the more I realized it wasn't a good idea to eat them. 

After my meal was over, we sat and chatted, the bag of chips was still sitting on the table.  I even thought about taking the chips home to eat later while I was alone. As we got up to leave, I offered them to a friend and she put them in her purse.  I am very grateful I chose God's will over my own.

Making Amends

At this week’s meeting we read Step Eight in OA 12 + 12, I shared about putting myself on the list of persons I have harm.  I caused so much harm to my mind, spirit, and body.  One of the ways I am making an amends to myself is by limiting the negative self-talk.  I am also working on my relationship with Spirit, praying and meditating daily.  I am taking care of my body by eating healthy foods.  I am also exercising.  The other day while I was running and struggling to breathe I just instinctively said to my body, “I’m sorry.”  I was apologizing to my body for not taking better care for so long.  I would be struggling so much if I had done a better job.  However, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I’m going to continue doing my best to take care of me.  I’m going to love Sheila and make sure I put her oxygen mask on my first.  I know I caused a lot of harm to myself by putting others’ needs ahead of my own.  It was misguided.  It wasn’t like I didn’t love myself.  I thought I was being selfless.  I have now learned there’s a huge difference between selfish and self-love.   I love Sheila and I’m going to take care of her.  She deserves the best.

Why me?

Another rough day! All I could think about today was filling my mouth with some fruit candy.  First, my washing machine overload and flooded the place.  My carpet was soaking wet!  Then, I took the afternoon off only to have my appointment rescheduled for next week.

Woe is me! I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and then sprung into action.  I also went on Netflix and queued up a bunch of running documentaries to watch.  Thinking about my running brings me so much joy.  Thinking about how far I've come in my abstinence brings me joy. 

Focusing on things I cannot change would only drive me into the misery of junk food and a slow, fat, lethargic body. I'm sooooo done with that.  I do see how easy it is to slip into a food funk.  I am so grateful to God I have a responsive sponsor and a strong program.  Today I can end my day in abstinence despite today's mishaps.

Rollercoasters!

Today I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.  Not doing so well right now, having all sorts of food thoughts, just trying to ride this out.  All I can do right now is remind myself that I do not have to act on any of the thoughts I’m having to order a pizza or go to the store for junk food.  Instead, I’m using the tool of writing, praying, and waiting to attend an online meeting.

I had the most awesome morning.  I ran for nine minutes straight.  I can’t believe I have completed five weeks of my Couch to 5K training.  Only three more weeks to go!  I’m going to make it.  I just have to keep trusting in the program and making the effort to show up.

Celebrating Life

Fourteen years ago I watched the funeral home take my mother’s body away.  I immediately jumped in her car, went to an ice cream place, and binged until I got diarrhea. 

Today I trained for a 5K, went to a meeting, had fun with a friend, went to swim class, and honored my mother’s memory by celebrating life.  I am so grateful I am no longer in the misery of food.  I am very grateful for my abstinence.

July Check In

Today I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace…and pain!  I feel so much peace about who I am and where I am on my journey.  So glad I can go through challenging days and not binge over them.  I have been indulging in some self-pity.  I am just accepting that this is where I am and when I'm sick of it I will stop.  No matter how much I dwell on the past it is not going to change.  All I have is now and right now is not so bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.

Yesterday I completed Week Three of my Couch to 5K training.  I am looking forward to running for the first time in a 5K.  I can actually see myself doing it.  I remember the excitement and determination I felt when training to walk my first 5K.  I’m in a similar spot this time and I am going to enjoy it while I can.  The pain comes from my body.  Wow! I know my body is adjusting.  I wish I was about 30 pounds lighter but it is what it is.  If I waited for my ideal conditions, I’d still be waiting.  I’m going to work with what I have right now and it’s going pretty well.  I’m doing my best to rest, stretch, and ice my poor aching joints.  Lol!  I feel like a real athlete.

I’m going to make some adjustments to my food plan for the second half on my training because I plan to introduce my weight training.  My swim lessons start this weekend too.  I do feel my appetite increasing and I do not want to use this as an excuse to overeat.   My plan of action is to stay properly hydrated.  I suspect that I could be confusing thirst for hunger.  I have already starting limiting my consumption of carbs during dinner.  This has helped tremendously with the stomach upset I was experiencing after my walk/run workouts. 

I need to start doing some step work.  I've been doing the bare minimum these days (which could explain when I'm in such a funky space).