The Phenomenon of Craving

Today I read “The Doctor’s Opinion” in the AABB. I’ve read it a couple of times but today the phrase “phenomenon of craving” jumped out at me. As the good doctor described, after just one drink, this phenomenon of craving begins in the alcoholic. He or she cannot stop with just one drink. As a compulsive overeater, I can definitely relate to this type of craving. Yes, there are certain food items, no doubt, that if I had just one bite, I would not be able to stop eating. This is what differentiates the way I eat certain food items from the normal eater. For today, I am reminded that I am a compulsive overeater. I have a dis-ease, an addiction to certain foods, and, as “The Doctor’s Opinion” reminds me, the only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. AABB, Fourth Edition, xxx.

Intuition

Today I am thinking about intuition. This has come up for me during therapy and life coaching a few years ago. It also comes up in our Tuesday night discussions about meditation. A couple of days my sponsor said something that reminded me of those lessons about using her intuition.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped trusting my intuition. I could speculate on why it happened but it really doesn’t matter. What is important is regaining my confidence in this area. This is yet another reminder about how essential my meditation practice is to my life and recovery.

My therapist would always say, trust your gut.
My life coach’s question would often be, how did it feel in the body?
At the meditation retreat I learned how to focus on the subtle sensations in the body.

While writing, I am reminded about something that always touches me when read during OA meetings – The Promises.

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

The line about intuition always speaks to me. This just goes to show that answers are all around if I would just pay attention.

Impermanence

Last night I was meditating on my latest lessons regarding letting go. It’s amazing when you realize that all the answers you know are already there, if you will just listen. My answer – impermanence. I spent so much time last fall meditating and learning about impermanence, Anicca, while on that silent meditation retreat. This is my overall lesson and answer to the end of suffering in this area.

My faith has taught me to let go and let God. The Big Book reminds me that acceptance is the answer. My truth is that I have a huge problem accepting change. As soon as I accept that the nature of life is impermanence and flux, I will not have the struggles with wondering why certain things have happened. I just need to go with the flow and accept what is….

Letting Go

Letting Go

Lately I have been dealing with lessons in letting go. One of my sponsees has been MIA for a while now. After trying to contact her a few times, I finally gave up. I was very frustrated and angry about it for a while. It triggered feelings I had about my ex too. I really do not understand people who can just walk away and not say a word. I am left wondering what happened. There is a huge part of me that is hurt because I feel it says something about how much the person did not value our relationship. All I can do it try not to take it personally and keep moving forward. I eventually let go of the hope that I would hear from this sponsee. It’s been months now.

Once I came to terms with this, my other sponsee stopped checking in. She had been inconsistently checking in for a while. When I approached her about the possibility that maybe I was not the sponsor for her, she recommitted. Then, the inconsistency started again. I started feeling like I wasn’t really doing a very good job supporting her because she kept procrastinating about her 4th step. I even told her that she didn’t have to share it with me right away. I just wanted her to complete it. I’ve been in OA for almost three years and I’ve seen so many people that have not completed the steps. There are people in my face-to-face that have been there before I joined and they still haven’t completed the steps. While I am not judging, I do think that being committed to working the steps is the key to recovery. This is just my observation.

Anyhow, I shared with my sponsor that I was beginning to get angry because this sponsee just stopped checking in. I was doing my best to work the steps, show compassion, and be patient. I knew my anger and frustration was the dis-ease. I know her absence is just the dis-ease, however, I do feel that there is a certain amount of communication that comes along with sponsorship. If you’re struggling and you cannot reach out to your sponsor, something is terribly wrong. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I have struggles too. All I expect is an honest effort. I do not expect more from anyone that I am not willing to give. This is where I come from in any type of relationship. My sponsor is a lot less tolerant with these things. She would have dropped her like a hot potato a long time ago. In fact, she gentle suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of this sponsee too.

This is where I have to do a lot of self-reflection. So many things about my sponsorships remind me of my past relationship – codependency. I want so much to be fair to people and treat them the way I want to be treated. It doesn’t seem to end that way. I would want someone to be patient with me. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Yet, I find myself wanting more for a person than she wants for herself. This happened with my ex, this happened again with my sponsees. I hang in there with them and then they just disappear without a word.

What’s the lesson in all this? I do not know. I do know I am the common denominator and if I’m doing something wrong I would like to figure out what

I Need An Intervention!

I have been struggling this week. I feel like I’m slip, sliding away…. I did some soul-searching last night. There is not one thing I can put my finger on. I know it’s just my dis-eased thinking. I can’t seem to let go of my self will. I realize that I do not trust my HP. I want to be in control. I feel like I try to do what is right and I do not get what I think I deserve in return. If I’m honest with myself, I know that is not true. However, the dis-ease seems more powerful these days. I allow it to wreak havoc on my thoughts. I know the thoughts are not real yet they overwhelm me.

I say I want peace and no drama in my life yet I feel bored with the day-to-day humdrum of working my program. What else do I need to do? I have a great life. I have so many things to be grateful for. Why is that not enough? Why do I think eating a bag of jelly beans is going to make me any more happy than I already feel? I do not have many complaints in my life right now. It all boils done to my weight. When I take inventory that is the only thing I want to change right now. OA says it’s really not about the weight. If so, then what is it?????? Whatever it is, I need to fix it and fix it fast before I do something stupid!
I do not like the space I’m in right now. I’m getting ready to travel and so many thoughts are going through my head, obsessive thoughts about food and other crap. I need an intervention!

Today’s topic: There is nothing to lose in seeking the God of my understanding except my false pride, my food obsession, my fat and all the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. ~For Today, p. 32
I overslept and missed my f2f meeting so I attended an online meeting this morning. I love today’s topic. I know it was all in divine order that I attend this meeting.

First of all, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Overworked and overtired is not good for this compulsive overeater. I haven’t been making the best food choices lately. While I haven’t turned to my binge foods, I haven’t been eating really healthy foods either and I have been drinking more caffeine than usual. These choices start a vicious cycle – lack of sleep, poor food choices, yucky workouts or I skip them, anger at myself for not being perfect, anger and impatience with others and situations, and then I beat myself up…. It goes on….

Earlier this week I found myself debating on whether or not I should just give up, buy a bag a jelly beans, and accept that I will continue abusing food and my body for the rest of my life. Thankfully, I reached out to my sponsor and her response was exactly what I needed to hear: I’m sorry the disease is talking to u… This was exactly the moment of clarity I needed. I had been sitting at my desk, not having a conversation with myself, but my irrational dis-ease. I took a deep breath and made a cup of tea. As soon as I was done with work for the day, I rushed to my meditation cushion.

There’s a Zen saying: You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. My usual meditation time is 30 minutes. For the past couple of weeks, I have whittled it down to 15 minutes. There have been really busy days when I have skipped it. So, I set my timer for 30 minutes and sat my butt on my cushion. I have been meditating for 30 minutes a day since then. I so need this daily time of stillness. This is my time to spend in quiet contemplation with the God of my understanding.

Yesterday I realized how I have managed to slip back into little habits that have been upsetting my inner peace. If my mind is chaotic, it will begin manifesting on the outside. If my relationship with Spirit is not strong, then my program begins to weaken. I am grateful for today’s reminder to cultivate my spirituality and all the physical aspects of this dis-ease can (and will be) healed.

One I am in alignment with Spirit, I can see things as the truly are. Just this morning, I was about to get upset about something when I realized it was just my bruised ego and had nothing to do with the other person. I need to mind my own business. I have my own life to manage and right now I have plenty to work on. I have been too caught up in illusions instead of enjoying the realities in my life. I have much to be grateful for.

My False pride. I admit that I have allowed false pride and my ego to get in the way of my progress lately. Things do not have to be perfect, Sheila. All I need to do is try my best and leave the rest to Spirit. I also need to stop feeling sorry for myself when things do not go my way. Once I admit that I am still clinging to old beliefs that no longer serve me, I can do what needs to be done. Change can sometimes be very uncomfortable, but that’s okay. It’s okay to have high standards for myself. I just need to make sure they’re realistic. For example, I beat myself up over getting anything less than an A in my nutrition class. I have to remind myself that learning the material is what is important. It’s not like I’m taking the course for college credit anyhow.

My Food Obsession. I haven’t had a jelly belly in over two years. What would possess, yes, possess me to start thinking about them now??? My recent thoughts about food are nothing more than a reflection of my spiritual fitness. The healthier my spirituality, the fewer obsessive food thoughts I will have. Just as I have learned that my physical health must be maintain on a daily basis, the same goes for my spiritual health.

My Fat. I haven’t weighed myself in two weeks. I know that as long as I keep working my program the weight will come off. Sometimes I am so frustrated. I have lost over 80 pounds but can’t seem to get rid of these last 40 or so pounds. I will keep working my program and leave the rest to my Higher Power. I will not give up hope!

I love the last phase in today’s topic: …the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. I could go on and on but the plain and simple of it is that I have an illness when it comes to food. It is a spiritual illness and the only remedy is the God of my understanding. Unless I rely on my God, I will dwell on the sick illusions that will continue to multiply. I have seen the evidence of this during the past couple of weeks. It started with dwelling on the past which lead to the insomnia which lead to my body and mind being tired which lead to me not going to the gym as much which lead to cravings for sugar and salt to feel better which lead to feels of anger toward myself and impatience with others which led to my inability to meditate and so on and so on and so on…. For me, the God of my understanding is the only antidote.

Forgiveness