360 Days: One Moment at a Time!

So, I hear the alarm on my Blackberry, I think maybe I forget someone’s birthday or that I have an appointment or meeting today. I cannot believe it! I have been abstinent for 360 days! I don’t count the days any longer. I mark off every ten days just to keep track.

I am overwhelmed with excited when I think that I have not had a box of Crunch and Munch, a slice of cake, a cookie, a cupcake, ice cream, cheesecake, candy, or a bag of potato chips in 360 days. There’s no way! It is an absolute miracle! I don’t even have cravings for them any longer and I don’t feel deprived. Another miracle!

I looked in the mirror this morning and I kind of didn’t recognize myself. It’s a weird and wonderful feeling. I have a doctor’s appointment next week and I cannot wait to get my test results. Today, I am very grateful for today. Despite all my abstinent days, I know I still need to take my recovery one moment at a time.

Unbearable Lightness

I just finished reading Unbearable Lightness by Porti de Rossi. It was a great read. My sponsor was reading it so I decided to read it too.
It was very honest and emotional. Although I do not have anorexia and have never purged, I could really relate to a lot of her food experiences. At times I found it triggering. My sponsor, who is a recovered anorexic, found it triggering as well. An eating disorder is an eating disorder; it’s all about powerlessness.

It really stuck me how much of her experience with sexuality and her mother was similar to mine. When I came out to my mother, she asked me not to tell anyone else in the family. It’s a terrible burden to bear. I often suspect that my issues with sexuality contributed to my overeating more than I realize.

I was a bit disappointed in the ending. Although she went through great lengths to describe how she progressed into anorexia and bulimia, I didn’t feel like she gave the same care in her description about her recovery process.

I also found myself judging her eating plan when she admits that some days she’ll eat a large bag of chips as a meal for lunch. I also felt that if she was willing to share photos of herself at her lowest weight (around 82), she should have shared photos of herself at her highest weight (around 168.)

The bottom line is that Unbearable Lightness is a great read. It helped articulate a lot of feelings I had about my thoughts around food, body image, and sexuality. It also served as a great tool, even though it is not OA-related, for me to share things with my sponsor. I would recommend that you’re in a good space in your own recovery before picking up this book. It can be triggering.

"I Shall Live and Not Die"

This is the title of a gospel song I really like. I’ve been listening to it a lot because it’s all about overcoming challenges. It’s been a challenging couple of weeks. I am so grateful and I am maintaining my abstinence. I don’t need sweets or junk food to comfort me. I’ve been managing my stress with exercise and prayer.

While I’m doing well in the food area, the spirituality area is still lacking. I am trying to judge or build resentment. However, I must admit I don’t think I’m doing a good job.

Right now, there is someone who I feel is the most greedy, materialistic, lying, selfish person I have ever met. It’s funny because there’s the saying that what you see in another person is what you see in yourself. If this is true, I’m in big trouble because this person is extremely sick.

Anyhow, it’s not about her. I’m all about learning my lesson. I’m doing what I can to keep my side of the street clean. It just sucks that sometimes being honest and trying to be a person of integrity means being treated unjustly. But, hey, I’m going to do my best to accept life on life’s term and leave the rest to God and Karma.

On a positive note, my social life has been booming. In fact, as soon as I told my friend I was going to stay home and rest this weekend, someone sent me an email saying she was going to be in town and wanted to get together.

I’m one of those people who enjoys quiet time alone. I’m so looking forward to the retreat next weekend and then I’m going on vacation. I come home for two weeks and then I’m off again. In the words of Langston Hughes: Life is fine! Fine as Wine! Life is fine!

Being Present, Staying in the Now

One of the challenges I’ve had in my life is being present. I now recognize how much time I spent dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. When I first joined OA, I found all that “one day at a time” stuff extremely corny. Personally, I like to say, one moment at a time.

This thought alone brings a certain amount of peace and calm to the mind.
The other day, Deepak Chopra posted a tweet that was right on time for me, in that moment. I now have it posted in my office: No regrets and no anticipation, just this moment fresh and as is.

I love it!

Beliefs

I am still operating with an old belief system that is no longer working for me: overcome evil with good. I was taught that if you treat people with kindness they will eventually “see the light” so to speak. I am learning that this is not necessarily true. There’s a difference between being kind and being a pushover or a doormat. If you turn the other cheek with some people, they’re just going to slap it.

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are so sick that they cannot receive kindness. I must remind myself it is not personal. Some people have just been so harmed by others that they continue to create even more pain by being unwilling to let their guard down. They aren’t able to react to kindness with kindness. I guess it’s because their belief system tells them that in order to get anything from life you have to lie, manipulate, and be mean.

Yet, I am only responsible for my behavior. So, for today, I accept that I had to do something that feels a little uncomfortable to me. It doesn't mean I do not love the person because I truly do. However, I had to take a stance and set boundaries. Last week in our reading from my meditation meeting the following quote has continued to resonate with me:

We look for love with clenched fists....

We often say we want something we do not even know how to receive. Still there are others who really cannot recognize love when it is staring them in the face because they have been so badly beaten down by others in the past. Today, this is neither here nor there in my situation. You reach a point when you have to say enough is enough. I cannot continue to allow someone to continue dumping on me all the while expecting me to give. It's just like that with some people. They expect more than they are willing to give.

Most important than being kind to others is being kind to myself. I have to take care of myself. I will take care of myself. I am taking care of myself. It feels a little awkward but it is a change I want to make. No one else is going to look out for me.

Today I am creating boundaries and creating a new belief system.

So, for today, I, once again, remind myself of the words from the Acceptance Prayer:

“I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.”

Ego Deflation

I completed Step Five, again, with my sponsor last night. I’m so glad my sponsor is willing to go through the steps with me again. I know it is extra work and I truly appreciate it. It went much more smoothly than the first time. I’d only been abstinent a month the first time. Now, I have almost a year’s worth of abstinence behind me. I am very grateful for the awareness and presence of mind I had during this time.

One of the things my sponsor has invited me to do to pick up my amends list and start working on it again. I’ve been able to cross off a number of people from the list. As I shared in Saturday’s meeting, it is very humbling to realize that my eating has caused a lot of harm to relationships. It’s not that I was a bad person but I do like to isolate. No, I don’t like to isolate, I LOVE to isolate.

Isolation, for me, is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t have to worry about other people and their crap. I don’t have to worry about other people and my crap. Also, I truly enjoy my own company. My spiritual mentor says it’s just the way I’m hardwired. I lot of the things I enjoy doing do not require another person – writing, reading, jewelry making, scrapbooking, meditating, etc. Plus, I know how to seek out company when I want it. However, isolation can be a dangerous thing as a compulsive overeater. While I am not afraid to be alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, I have to be careful not to manage or soothe them with food. Now, that I have this awareness I can use it in my recovery.

One of the things we constantly discussion in my meditation meeting is ego deflation. For me, this is what Step Five is all about – deflating the ego. As I shared with my sponsor last night, a lot of ego, pride, and arrogance of my past was simply a defense to mask insecurity and low self-esteem. I have confused my ego with my self-esteem. I will continue to pray that as my ego deflates, my self-esteem will inflate. And So It Is….

Effort, not Outcome

Just a quick update on my fifth step...last week was a very busy week for both me and my sponsor so scheduling my fifth step was pushed back until next week.

I just had a nice chat with my sponsor about something that has been bothering me. I've had this nagging feeling for the past couple of weeks. Last night I was able to identify it.

I am beginning to question whether or not I've been abstinent. I have been following my food plan to the best of my ability. I have not touched any of my trigger foods. Yet, something still didn't feel "right" to me. Last night the light bulb went off.

When I started in this program, it was because I was beginning to gain back some of the weight I had lost on my own. I released additional weight while on OA. However, as I approach almost a year abstinence, I feel like I should be at my normal weight by now. In the back of my mind, I still have that goal weight in mind.

Last night I journalled about it and reminded myself about not touching any of my trigger foods and how that is a miracle in itself. I also reminded myself that am I on a journey, not a destination.

My sponsor shared that she also has similar thoughts that she will no longer have certain thoughts and feelings about her body, weight, or food. She was very honest and reminded me about my food diary that I have been turning in to her. She can see for herself that I have been abstinent. She also encouraged me to focus on the efforts of working my program, not the outcome. The most helpful thing she reminded me about was my character defect with having certain expectations. This gets me into trouble all the time.

At yesterday's meeting I shared about how I have to constantly remind myself about doing Step 3. My self-will gets in the say of so many things in my life.