Ego Deflation

I completed Step Five, again, with my sponsor last night. I’m so glad my sponsor is willing to go through the steps with me again. I know it is extra work and I truly appreciate it. It went much more smoothly than the first time. I’d only been abstinent a month the first time. Now, I have almost a year’s worth of abstinence behind me. I am very grateful for the awareness and presence of mind I had during this time.

One of the things my sponsor has invited me to do to pick up my amends list and start working on it again. I’ve been able to cross off a number of people from the list. As I shared in Saturday’s meeting, it is very humbling to realize that my eating has caused a lot of harm to relationships. It’s not that I was a bad person but I do like to isolate. No, I don’t like to isolate, I LOVE to isolate.

Isolation, for me, is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t have to worry about other people and their crap. I don’t have to worry about other people and my crap. Also, I truly enjoy my own company. My spiritual mentor says it’s just the way I’m hardwired. I lot of the things I enjoy doing do not require another person – writing, reading, jewelry making, scrapbooking, meditating, etc. Plus, I know how to seek out company when I want it. However, isolation can be a dangerous thing as a compulsive overeater. While I am not afraid to be alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, I have to be careful not to manage or soothe them with food. Now, that I have this awareness I can use it in my recovery.

One of the things we constantly discussion in my meditation meeting is ego deflation. For me, this is what Step Five is all about – deflating the ego. As I shared with my sponsor last night, a lot of ego, pride, and arrogance of my past was simply a defense to mask insecurity and low self-esteem. I have confused my ego with my self-esteem. I will continue to pray that as my ego deflates, my self-esteem will inflate. And So It Is….