Why me?

Another rough day! All I could think about today was filling my mouth with some fruit candy.  First, my washing machine overload and flooded the place.  My carpet was soaking wet!  Then, I took the afternoon off only to have my appointment rescheduled for next week.

Woe is me! I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and then sprung into action.  I also went on Netflix and queued up a bunch of running documentaries to watch.  Thinking about my running brings me so much joy.  Thinking about how far I've come in my abstinence brings me joy. 

Focusing on things I cannot change would only drive me into the misery of junk food and a slow, fat, lethargic body. I'm sooooo done with that.  I do see how easy it is to slip into a food funk.  I am so grateful to God I have a responsive sponsor and a strong program.  Today I can end my day in abstinence despite today's mishaps.

Rollercoasters!

Today I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.  Not doing so well right now, having all sorts of food thoughts, just trying to ride this out.  All I can do right now is remind myself that I do not have to act on any of the thoughts I’m having to order a pizza or go to the store for junk food.  Instead, I’m using the tool of writing, praying, and waiting to attend an online meeting.

I had the most awesome morning.  I ran for nine minutes straight.  I can’t believe I have completed five weeks of my Couch to 5K training.  Only three more weeks to go!  I’m going to make it.  I just have to keep trusting in the program and making the effort to show up.

Celebrating Life

Fourteen years ago I watched the funeral home take my mother’s body away.  I immediately jumped in her car, went to an ice cream place, and binged until I got diarrhea. 

Today I trained for a 5K, went to a meeting, had fun with a friend, went to swim class, and honored my mother’s memory by celebrating life.  I am so grateful I am no longer in the misery of food.  I am very grateful for my abstinence.

July Check In

Today I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace…and pain!  I feel so much peace about who I am and where I am on my journey.  So glad I can go through challenging days and not binge over them.  I have been indulging in some self-pity.  I am just accepting that this is where I am and when I'm sick of it I will stop.  No matter how much I dwell on the past it is not going to change.  All I have is now and right now is not so bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.

Yesterday I completed Week Three of my Couch to 5K training.  I am looking forward to running for the first time in a 5K.  I can actually see myself doing it.  I remember the excitement and determination I felt when training to walk my first 5K.  I’m in a similar spot this time and I am going to enjoy it while I can.  The pain comes from my body.  Wow! I know my body is adjusting.  I wish I was about 30 pounds lighter but it is what it is.  If I waited for my ideal conditions, I’d still be waiting.  I’m going to work with what I have right now and it’s going pretty well.  I’m doing my best to rest, stretch, and ice my poor aching joints.  Lol!  I feel like a real athlete.

I’m going to make some adjustments to my food plan for the second half on my training because I plan to introduce my weight training.  My swim lessons start this weekend too.  I do feel my appetite increasing and I do not want to use this as an excuse to overeat.   My plan of action is to stay properly hydrated.  I suspect that I could be confusing thirst for hunger.  I have already starting limiting my consumption of carbs during dinner.  This has helped tremendously with the stomach upset I was experiencing after my walk/run workouts. 

I need to start doing some step work.  I've been doing the bare minimum these days (which could explain when I'm in such a funky space). 

Anger, Resentment, and Acceptance

Dealing with some anger and resentment this week.  Working on acceptance.  I found out my ex may be attending a brunch I was invited to attend.  I can't believe how much anger flooded into my spirit, anger and resentment I thought I had let go of.  This is the most frustrating part.  I'm more angry with myself than I am over the situation.

I wish I was emotionally mature enough to handle taking the risk of running into her but I'm not.  There's still a lot of pain and unresolved issues as far as that's concerned.  I thought I had accepted that I had accepted it.  I thought I had worked on getting closure.  Looks like there's still more work to be done.

This is why I'm angry with myself.  I wish I could move on like others.  My sponsor just says I need to accept where I am right now.  I just know I still feel justified in holding onto this anger.  However, it doesn't matter.  She's sick.  So what! So am I.

I just wish she hadn't been so cold and heartless, especially about not returning my mother's things.  This is what troubles me so.  I know they're long gone.  I just don't understand how she could be so cruel. 

Anyhow, there's a part of me that wants to show up just to confront her...but I won't.  It is funny to be on this side knowing what I now know. It's really fascinating to watch someone who has no clue I really know what's up with her.

The bottom line is how she chooses to live her life is none of my business.  I just need to continue doing my best to keep my side of the street clean.  I am very grateful to God for helping me do this.

I'm abstinent.  I've started jogging.  I also signed up for swim lessons.  I'm excited and scared.  All I can do is continuing working on myself and leave the rest of that stuff to Spirit. 

Facings Fears

Things have been going okay for me.  My food is good.  I'm taking the time to measure my food and complete my food diary.  I had to put my scale away.  It's made me very anxious.  I was so tempted to take it out yesterday but I know I need to leave it alone.  I can't get caught up on that number.  I'm afraid I'll gain weight but I'm also afraid I haven't lost any weight.  Not losing puts me in a whole space of "why bother!" and I can't go there.

I also started my Couch to 5K training.  I'm so afraid of not completing it.  This is my third try but I'm determined to stay healthy and injury-free.  I was planning to start today but an OA friend came along with me two Saturdays ago.  If it wasn't for her, I'd probably still be procrastinating.  Instead, I started Week Two yesterday.

Today I signed up for ---drum roll---swim lessons! I'm scared and excited.  I've been thinking about taking swimming lessons for about three years now.  My first class is July 14.

Big Girl Panties

Today I thought about quitting the program.  Not sure where that came from.  I guess I just woke up and didn’t feel like facing the day.  I’m so grateful to Spirit I had the good sense to reach out to someone.  I felt better after sharing with x.  I really like her.  After that, I started cleaning just to get my mind on something else.  Considering I was up so early, I was almost late for work!

So here’s my theory, I was really off my routine way too long while on vacation.  I usually try to do at least two meetings a week.  I attended one meeting the entire time I was there.  I also was doing my regular check-ins.  Even though I was able to send my check-ins to my sponsor each even, I think it would have helped to physically take the time to write down what I was eating, write down a daily gratitude list, and write down my 10^th step inventory.  I will give myself credit for keeping up with my workout routine.

Another thing that wreak havoc on my program was eating out so much.  Truthfully, the last two days I could have cried.  I did not want to eat out but it was the best way to get together with my friends….meeting them in a central place after they got off work, etc.  There were days I had all my meals in a restaurant.   While I made healthy choices, mostly salads, it was way too much for me.   Eating out like that was too much like my old eating days.  I probably should have eaten at my Dad’s and then just socialized.

Now that I’m home it’s been a struggle to get back into my routine.  It’s a struggle to check in.  It’s a struggle to prepare meals.  It’s a struggle to stay focused on my program.  The fact that I hurt my back created a struggle to work out.   Lately I’ve just been a grumpy, self-absorbed mess.  I was able to get some great (and somewhat painful) feedback from the people in my meditation group.

I like what x said, just put on your big-girl panties.  She’s right….

So here I am putting on my big-girl panties.  Just for today, I will work my program to the best of my ability and make an appointment for an adjustment.

I also need to make sure I have a better plan of action for my birthday vacation in September.