Resentment

I wanted to write a little something about the resentment I've been feeling toward my sponsor.  I've been praying and meditating about it and finally received some guidance.  Thank you, Spirit!

Anyhow, I'm working on a Fourth Step Inventory and I feel so much better about it already.

I remember hearing someone at a meeting say, "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I’m ready

How many times have you heard someone say “I’m ready” when they really weren’t?  It was a way of stalling.  This is the difference between saying I’m ready to have my defect removed and being ready.  Actions speak louder than words. 

I was reading in the OA 12 + 12 that one of the main reason we say we’re ready versus actually being ready is fear.  Change is scary.  However, I’m in a space right now in my life that I am not afraid of change.  I want to change and I will do anything to get there.

120 Days!

With the grace of God, my sponsor, the steps, and my OA friends, I have been abstinent for 120 days!  I am so grateful for my abstinence.  I cannot express how good it feels to be in this space right now.  In addition, I am at the lowest weight I've been in five years.  This morning I weighed in at 236 pounds.  Even though OA is not a weight loss program, this is one of its many blessings. 

I'm not going to fool myself.  I must continue to stay the course, do the footwork, and take it one day at a time.  Abstinence is the most important thing in my life.  I will do what it takes to maintain it and treat it with respect.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I will always be a compulsive overeater.  I am powerless over food.

Keeping My Side of the Street Clean

This situation with my sponsor has really been bugging me.

I’ve thinking this situation really isn’t good for my self-esteem.  After all, who wants a sponsor who won’t even speak with you on the telephone?  I was falling into victim mentality.  It’s so like me to want to be a martyr.  I am not a victim!  I refuse to allow this negativity into my consciousness!  New sponsor or not…the common denominator is me.  My job is to take my own inventory.  My job is to take care of myself and make sure I keep my side of the street clean.  If I am doing this to the best of my ability, I have done all I can do. 

This morning I realized I’ve been here before -- me feeling like I’m to blame for everything; me feeling like the other person does not feel like she at fault at all in a situation; me feeling like my perspective was not even considered. It does take two.  I used to feel like a monster when I felt my ex misunderstood me.  Is this a pattern?  Perhaps.  It certainly feels like it.  Whatever it is, I know there is an opportunity for growth.

Anyhow, I plan to continue doing my check-ins with my sponsor while praying for guidance, praying for humility, praying for answers. If a new sponsor is in order, I know God will direct me to her.  After all, I wasn’t even looking for a sponsor when I found my current one. 

Monster

I’m thinking I may need to find a new sponsor.  I really don’t know why things seem to get screwed up between us.  Last night, I was attending an online meeting.  My sponsor was also there.  She sent me a private message to say hello.  I responded.  She joked back.  I sent her a quick response.  She then sent me another message saying she was joking.  I said fine or cool or something along those lines.  I admit I was a bit annoyed because I was trying to pay attention to the meeting.  I really wasn’t mad at her.  So, I replied with … could we chat later because I’m trying to focus on the meeting. 

Well, she felt hurt and disrespected.  It wasn’t my intention.  In fact, she sent me an email later on that evening that no one in her life treats her the way I do.  I can’t even express how sad I felt when I read this.

I feel awful because I truly love and adore my sponsor and I’m sorry she feels this way.  I do see things from her perspective.  I know I could have handled things differently.  In fact, apparently the phone call I wrote about the other day was perceived totally different by her.  I thought I was being respectful by keeping my mouth shut and letting her talk.  I thought I was demonstrating humility and being open. Well, she felt I thought she was being a bother.

So, she goes on to say she’s not mad at me and that I should continue checking in via text and email but she doesn’t think she can talk to me on the phone for a while.  While I respect her wishes and am trying very hard not to make it about me, I feel like some monster or something. 

I am by no means saying I am perfect and I know I can be difficult when I'm in a rotten mood but this whole situation, from my perspective, was totally miscontrued.  I have been thinking how I could have handled it differently.  I could have taken more time to explain that I wanted to talk later.  Even though I understand where she's coming from, I do not feel the same in return. I need help and support.  I do not need more problems.

My Resistance to Step Five

I am a private person.  I don’t like talking about myself.  Step Five scared me.  Not only did I have to admit my wrongdoing with myself, I also had to share them with another person?  WTH???

I was not happy about the fact that I had to share my Step Four inventory with someone else.  Although I absolutely adore my sponsor and knew she was not going to judge me,  I really wanted to skip over this step.  I hate feeling out of control.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  I’m not very good with sharing my thoughts and feelings. 

It was very hard admitting to another person some things about myself and things that I had done that no one else knew about.  Not only were my deep dark secrets written down, now, I had to confess them to someone else.  I was very resistant to this process. 

The truth was that not wanting to share had nothing to do with my privacy or shyness.  It had everything to do with my ego, my pride, and my arrogance.  I didn’t want to admit to myself and to someone else that I had not been perfect.  I did not want to admit I had lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, used, and had not lived up to the mask and façade I wear and present to the world.

Let go my Ego

Step Four -- making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  This is rough.  I did not realize, until I started working Step Four, how much I like to blame on others.  I like to play the victim and the martyr.  On the surface, I’m pretty good about being accountable for my stuff.  What I didn’t realize, it that, sometimes, I have contributed to the so-called harm and wrongs I feel others have inflicted upon me.  Step Four has helped me to see my part.

This has not been easy for me.  I really wasn’t aware that I like to play the victim.  I thought I was just being nice to some people who decided to walk all over me.  Well, in some cases, I handed them the door mat.

Looking on the outside, I am this quiet, shy, introvert.  Well, on the outside I am a raging, arrogant, egomaniac.  So, the answer to today’s question is my ego.  This is what keeps me from making a searching and fearless inventory.  When I am forced to look at myself, I do not like what I see.  I pray for the courage to look at myself.

***

My sponsor just called me about 30 minutes and gave me an earful.  I didn't check in other night.  Not because I forgot.  I just said, f**k it! I haven't attended a face to face meeting in over three weeks.  I've attended a few online meetings but I haven't stayed the entire time and I haven't shared.  She talked.  I listened.  This was huge for me because we've butted heads before.  But, I promised myself the last time we butted heads that I was going to respect her as my sponsor and remain open and teachable. I know she's right.  I'm started to isolate.  I am drifting a bit from my program. 

Part of me was pissed as I sat there holding the phone.  I was thinking, what else do you f**ckin' want from me?  I'm not f**ckin' eating!  Leave me alone!  I've been abstinent for almost four months.  Who cares if I don't go to f**kin' meetings and share?

But, I know that's the dis-ease and my ego talking.  The truth is my sponsors cares and I should too.  I've heard someone say there are many steps before a relapse.  Starting to skip meetings, avoid sharing and checking in with my sponsor are steps leading me to relapse, not recovery.  This is not the direction for me.

Last week my therapist asked me, what  I  was so afraid of looking at.  At the time I said, I don't know.  Well, the truth is I am afraid of looking at myself.  Well, I need to get my ego in check, pick up the magnifying glass, and do the work.