Monster

I’m thinking I may need to find a new sponsor.  I really don’t know why things seem to get screwed up between us.  Last night, I was attending an online meeting.  My sponsor was also there.  She sent me a private message to say hello.  I responded.  She joked back.  I sent her a quick response.  She then sent me another message saying she was joking.  I said fine or cool or something along those lines.  I admit I was a bit annoyed because I was trying to pay attention to the meeting.  I really wasn’t mad at her.  So, I replied with … could we chat later because I’m trying to focus on the meeting. 

Well, she felt hurt and disrespected.  It wasn’t my intention.  In fact, she sent me an email later on that evening that no one in her life treats her the way I do.  I can’t even express how sad I felt when I read this.

I feel awful because I truly love and adore my sponsor and I’m sorry she feels this way.  I do see things from her perspective.  I know I could have handled things differently.  In fact, apparently the phone call I wrote about the other day was perceived totally different by her.  I thought I was being respectful by keeping my mouth shut and letting her talk.  I thought I was demonstrating humility and being open. Well, she felt I thought she was being a bother.

So, she goes on to say she’s not mad at me and that I should continue checking in via text and email but she doesn’t think she can talk to me on the phone for a while.  While I respect her wishes and am trying very hard not to make it about me, I feel like some monster or something. 

I am by no means saying I am perfect and I know I can be difficult when I'm in a rotten mood but this whole situation, from my perspective, was totally miscontrued.  I have been thinking how I could have handled it differently.  I could have taken more time to explain that I wanted to talk later.  Even though I understand where she's coming from, I do not feel the same in return. I need help and support.  I do not need more problems.