Let go my Ego

Step Four -- making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  This is rough.  I did not realize, until I started working Step Four, how much I like to blame on others.  I like to play the victim and the martyr.  On the surface, I’m pretty good about being accountable for my stuff.  What I didn’t realize, it that, sometimes, I have contributed to the so-called harm and wrongs I feel others have inflicted upon me.  Step Four has helped me to see my part.

This has not been easy for me.  I really wasn’t aware that I like to play the victim.  I thought I was just being nice to some people who decided to walk all over me.  Well, in some cases, I handed them the door mat.

Looking on the outside, I am this quiet, shy, introvert.  Well, on the outside I am a raging, arrogant, egomaniac.  So, the answer to today’s question is my ego.  This is what keeps me from making a searching and fearless inventory.  When I am forced to look at myself, I do not like what I see.  I pray for the courage to look at myself.

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My sponsor just called me about 30 minutes and gave me an earful.  I didn't check in other night.  Not because I forgot.  I just said, f**k it! I haven't attended a face to face meeting in over three weeks.  I've attended a few online meetings but I haven't stayed the entire time and I haven't shared.  She talked.  I listened.  This was huge for me because we've butted heads before.  But, I promised myself the last time we butted heads that I was going to respect her as my sponsor and remain open and teachable. I know she's right.  I'm started to isolate.  I am drifting a bit from my program. 

Part of me was pissed as I sat there holding the phone.  I was thinking, what else do you f**ckin' want from me?  I'm not f**ckin' eating!  Leave me alone!  I've been abstinent for almost four months.  Who cares if I don't go to f**kin' meetings and share?

But, I know that's the dis-ease and my ego talking.  The truth is my sponsors cares and I should too.  I've heard someone say there are many steps before a relapse.  Starting to skip meetings, avoid sharing and checking in with my sponsor are steps leading me to relapse, not recovery.  This is not the direction for me.

Last week my therapist asked me, what  I  was so afraid of looking at.  At the time I said, I don't know.  Well, the truth is I am afraid of looking at myself.  Well, I need to get my ego in check, pick up the magnifying glass, and do the work.