The How and Why of It

.…but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

~AABB, page 62

When I read this passage a few weeks ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s a very sobering and humbling experience to realize that I had a hand in the pain I perceive others inflicting on me. However, I can see it clear as water. As tough as this is to swallow, I am very grateful for this awareness because it is helping me to cope.

This has been a pretty rough week for me emotionally and spiritually. I go from anger to sadness and from sadness to anger. In between those moments, I experience such peace of mind and acceptance. Despite the pain I have inflicted on myself, I shall live and not die!

Out of the Closet

Today I completed a great task. I went through my closet and removed all the clothes that no longer fit. I hauled three large garbage bags to Goodwill. There were moments of sadness this evening. Those clothes were symbolic of a different time and space in my life. Out with the old and in with the new.

I saw my spiritual counselor yesterday. He commented that I looked happy. I don’t know about feeling happy but I do feel at peace with many things in my life right now. Getting rid of those clothes was part of my letting go process.

Although I experienced some sadness, there is a great sense of relief and freedom right now. I’m allowing room for more good/God in my life. I stood back and looked at my closet all neat and organized. I now realize I need to incorporate more color in my wardrobe.

One Year!

Yay! I am very grateful that I have been free from compulsive overeating for one year!

I just returned from an amazing OA retreat. The theme was "Free at Last!" I love that I was able to spend this weekend going to meetings and sharing. It was a great way to celebrate my abstinence!

360 Days: One Moment at a Time!

So, I hear the alarm on my Blackberry, I think maybe I forget someone’s birthday or that I have an appointment or meeting today. I cannot believe it! I have been abstinent for 360 days! I don’t count the days any longer. I mark off every ten days just to keep track.

I am overwhelmed with excited when I think that I have not had a box of Crunch and Munch, a slice of cake, a cookie, a cupcake, ice cream, cheesecake, candy, or a bag of potato chips in 360 days. There’s no way! It is an absolute miracle! I don’t even have cravings for them any longer and I don’t feel deprived. Another miracle!

I looked in the mirror this morning and I kind of didn’t recognize myself. It’s a weird and wonderful feeling. I have a doctor’s appointment next week and I cannot wait to get my test results. Today, I am very grateful for today. Despite all my abstinent days, I know I still need to take my recovery one moment at a time.

Unbearable Lightness

I just finished reading Unbearable Lightness by Porti de Rossi. It was a great read. My sponsor was reading it so I decided to read it too.
It was very honest and emotional. Although I do not have anorexia and have never purged, I could really relate to a lot of her food experiences. At times I found it triggering. My sponsor, who is a recovered anorexic, found it triggering as well. An eating disorder is an eating disorder; it’s all about powerlessness.

It really stuck me how much of her experience with sexuality and her mother was similar to mine. When I came out to my mother, she asked me not to tell anyone else in the family. It’s a terrible burden to bear. I often suspect that my issues with sexuality contributed to my overeating more than I realize.

I was a bit disappointed in the ending. Although she went through great lengths to describe how she progressed into anorexia and bulimia, I didn’t feel like she gave the same care in her description about her recovery process.

I also found myself judging her eating plan when she admits that some days she’ll eat a large bag of chips as a meal for lunch. I also felt that if she was willing to share photos of herself at her lowest weight (around 82), she should have shared photos of herself at her highest weight (around 168.)

The bottom line is that Unbearable Lightness is a great read. It helped articulate a lot of feelings I had about my thoughts around food, body image, and sexuality. It also served as a great tool, even though it is not OA-related, for me to share things with my sponsor. I would recommend that you’re in a good space in your own recovery before picking up this book. It can be triggering.

"I Shall Live and Not Die"

This is the title of a gospel song I really like. I’ve been listening to it a lot because it’s all about overcoming challenges. It’s been a challenging couple of weeks. I am so grateful and I am maintaining my abstinence. I don’t need sweets or junk food to comfort me. I’ve been managing my stress with exercise and prayer.

While I’m doing well in the food area, the spirituality area is still lacking. I am trying to judge or build resentment. However, I must admit I don’t think I’m doing a good job.

Right now, there is someone who I feel is the most greedy, materialistic, lying, selfish person I have ever met. It’s funny because there’s the saying that what you see in another person is what you see in yourself. If this is true, I’m in big trouble because this person is extremely sick.

Anyhow, it’s not about her. I’m all about learning my lesson. I’m doing what I can to keep my side of the street clean. It just sucks that sometimes being honest and trying to be a person of integrity means being treated unjustly. But, hey, I’m going to do my best to accept life on life’s term and leave the rest to God and Karma.

On a positive note, my social life has been booming. In fact, as soon as I told my friend I was going to stay home and rest this weekend, someone sent me an email saying she was going to be in town and wanted to get together.

I’m one of those people who enjoys quiet time alone. I’m so looking forward to the retreat next weekend and then I’m going on vacation. I come home for two weeks and then I’m off again. In the words of Langston Hughes: Life is fine! Fine as Wine! Life is fine!

Being Present, Staying in the Now

One of the challenges I’ve had in my life is being present. I now recognize how much time I spent dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. When I first joined OA, I found all that “one day at a time” stuff extremely corny. Personally, I like to say, one moment at a time.

This thought alone brings a certain amount of peace and calm to the mind.
The other day, Deepak Chopra posted a tweet that was right on time for me, in that moment. I now have it posted in my office: No regrets and no anticipation, just this moment fresh and as is.

I love it!