12-Step Workbook

Hello! My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I recently purchased the OA Workbook.  I plan to work through the book.  I am committed to doing some sort of step work each day and I believe working through this workbook will help keep me on track.

As stated in the introduction to the Workbook, the sole purpose is to guide my personal journey through the Steps.  I hope putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, so to speak, will help me gain some clarity on my dis-ease and recovery.  I also hope sharing my thoughts and feelings will help someone who stumbles upon this blog.

Sustained Effort

… it takes a sustained effort to apply its spiritual principles in every area of my life.

                                                                                    ~For Today, page 5

These words in today’s reading really jumped out at me.  So much so I took the time to look up the word “sustained” to expanded my understanding of the phrase.  Here’s what I noted:

-         to keep existence, maintain

-         to supply with necessities or nourishment

-         to support from below; keep from falling

-         to support the spirits, vitality, encourage

-         to affirm the validity of

-         to prove, confirm

Wow!  This word packs a lot of punch, huh?  What I understand is that my recovery is a living thing.  It is something that requires care or else it will die.  

A few weeks ago I read Step 12 in the OA 12 + 12.  While reading this, I wrote down all the spiritual principles gained from working it each step:

-         Step 1 – honesty

-         Step 2 – hope

-         Step 3 – faith

-         Step 4 – courage

-         Step 5 – integrity

-         Step 6 – willingness

-         Step 7 – humility

-         Step 8 – self –discipline

-         Step 9 – love

-         Step 10 – perseverance

-         Step 11 – spiritual awareness

-         Step 12 - service

I think of these spiritual principles as the fruit of the spirit.  This is the fruit that I will bear from tending my garden of recovery.  Now that I have 95 days abstinent, my work is not over.  I learned this week in my Big Book study group that recovered does not mean cured.  I will always be a compulsive overeater.  In order to keep my abstinence, in order to sustain it, I have to keep working the steps.  Someone at a meeting (where the topic was abstinence) referred to spiritual fitness and maintaining a healthy rhythm while working the steps.  For me, this is what a sustained effort is…maintaining a healthy rhythm.  This means balance…not too fast…not too slow…not skipping a beat. 

One Momemt At A Time

It feels great to begin the year abstinent.  I reached 90 days of abstinence on 12/30/10.  As much as I am happy and grateful, I’m so anxious.  I just sent my sponsor a text that I’m thinking about quitting or relapsing just to get rid of this feeling.  It reminds me of something I read that said COEs, like other addicts, always wanting instant results and solutions to their problems.  Only someone sick would or could make abstinence a problem. 

I'm doing so well.  I want to continue on this path yet there is fear.  Yes.  I am experiencing fear of success and fear of failure at the same time.  I just need to stop thinking about it and live one moment at a time.

Tao of Recovery

I just started reading this very fascinating book.  It's not an OA-approved book.  My ex gave it to me over six years ago.  The publisher rented space in her building and was giving away a few titles.  She picked up a few, including this one.  I was reading the Tao Te Ching at the time so I guess that's why she thought I would be interested in reading it.  Wow!  Who would have known years later I would be in recovery.  I never even opened the book until three days ago.  I love it! 

It's a series of interpretations (poetry really) on the Tao Te Ching.  I could really relate to a passage I read in the foreword:

At its essence, recovering is also uncovering - uncovering that which was hidden by alcohol, drugs, abuse, or loss.  Often what was hidden was not, as many of us suspected, some terrible darkness or defect.  Rather, what was hidden was our fundamental inner perfection, our true spiritual nature - what Thomas Merton called "our hidden wholeness."

I can really relate to the uncovering of "true spiritual nature."  I was thinking the other day about how I am working towards being more authentic.  A lot of this has to do with getting out of my dysfunctional relationship.  Honestly, I did not know how dyfunctional it was until last week.  I did not see how much of myself was lost over the last 11 years.  The second part has to do with being abstinent.  I shared this in a meeting earlier today.  I've definitely gained a lot of clarity on my path to recovery. I am finally getting back to me.  I've been abstinent 85 days now.

I was watching the movie "Doubt" today.  I recognized so many sublities I missed in that movie because I was in a fog of food and my relationship.  I flashed back to being very tense with Crystal about something that day.  I remember not really paying attention to the movie because I was preoccupied with whatever B.S. was going on with us at the time.  So, today is the first time I really saw the moview.  I also that about how many other movies I really need to view again now that I can experience the now, being present, and being aware.

Facing my Feelings



I feel myself sinking. I'm angry and I'm sad. I started therapy about three weeks ago.  All these feelings are starting to surface and it's contributing to more urges.  As my sponsor always says...this, too, shall pass.  The nighttime is hard enough without all these other thoughts swirling around in my head.  I will continue to turn over my will to Spirit.  No matter what is going on inside my head or heart, I commit to sticking with my food plan.  I will earn my 90-day coin.

I have to give myself credit for maintaining my abstinence.  My almost 11-year relationship is over.  I moved into a new place on Dec. 1.  Work has been chaotic.  My whole life and routine has been turned upside down and sideways.  Through it all, Spirit, my OA friends, and my super awesome, supportive sponsor have been there to help.  I know I cannot take all the credit for remaining abstinent.  I have been working the steps -- 12 Steps in 12 Weeks.  This has been ambitious.  I'm just an overachiever.  I need to add that to my list of character defects, huh?

Anyhow, I guess I will ramble on some more as this dark cloud hovers over me.  The best thing about living alone is that I do not have to worry about trigger food being around.  My ex often had things around that made these urges and cravings even more intense.  I am going to breathe, pray, and meditate.  I may attend an online meeting in a few meetings.

Consistency vs. Complacency

Today I am convinced that I’m powerless over food, and if I allow complacency in my program, my life will become unmanageable. Voices of Recovery, Dec. 12th

Yes, there are days I struggle with complacency.  It is usually when I have a lot to accomplish in a day.  I have to remind myself that no matter what is going on I must take the time needed to focus on my recovery.  It is my number one priority.  Without taking care of myself, I cannot take care of the other matters in my life.

I have to resist the urge to rush through my morning meditation and prayer time or skip my evening prayer and meditation.  This is ritual has become an essential part of my recovery.  I’ve always prayed and meditated but not like I have been doing since OA.  It’s also important that I check in with my sponsor each day, especially at the end of the day.  I also like to read For Today daily.  These are the basic tools I need to use to help me stay abstinent.  I still want to make writing a part of my basic routine.  I am working on improving in this area.

Even when I am in a good space, I have to mindful of the temptation to use the tools haphazardly.  It is not always perfect but I do my best to be consistent about doing the footwork. I do not want to fool myself that 70+ days of abstinence means I’m cured.  The effort that it took to get me to this place is the same effort that will keep me in recovery, one day at a time.

There are nights I turn off my laptop only to turn it on again, drag it to my bed, and do my meditation before going to bed.  I do ever want to get to a point where I think I do not need to take the time to work my program. I have listened to enough shares to understand how important it is to be consistent with using the tools.

Yours in Recovery,

Sheila

The Past is A Present

I cannot regret my past for it allowed me to endure to the present. ~ For Today, p. 346

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I think about this all the time.  I was under the illusion that compulsive overeating helped me be a more productive and efficient person.  Right now I have a pile of papers to grade.  If I were still in the food, they would be done by now.  There’s no doubt about. I could distract my thoughts and emotions so I could get my work done.  However, the work would be done and the problems would be here.

Now, I pray and meditate to calm my mind.  I ask my HP to help me. There are other times I reach out to my sponsor or others. Online meetings are a tremendous help. There are still other times I just need to deal with whatever is going on and stop resisting or ignoring it.

Being in OA is providing me with a new way of being.  I have met some wonderful people and my life is becoming more manageable.  If it were not for my past, I would not have the wonderful gifts of today.

Thanks for listening,

Sheila