Celebrate Recovery!

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

Before I post my response to an OA workbook question, I wanted to blog for a bit about my recovery.  I've spent the past couple of days looking at my past.  I felt myself getting down in the dumps so this morning I had to remind myself about what I have accomplished.

Today I have been abstinent 114 days!  I also started daily exercise.  I'm on Day 23.  My goal is to exercise every day this year.  I recently set a personal record.  I can now do 45 minutes of cardio.  Yesterday when I was at the gym, I remember when I could barely do 5 minutes of cardio.  This is when I started thinking about how I need to be more diligent about positive self talk. 

Anyhow, working through the Workbook is definitely bringing up a lot of emotions for me.  I'm so used to running away from my emotions.  I am proud of myself for having the courage to look at myself and change.

The other day someone at a meeting said he felt going through the steps while still compulsive overeating was a waste of time.  Now, I don't know about that but I do know that it would be much more difficult for me to go through these questions if I wasn't abstinent. 

I have so much clarity on mind, body, and spirit right now.  My life is much more peaceful.  I am filled with so much gratitude these day.  So far, I've released 70 pounds.  Thank you, recovery!



Self-Destruction



When I look at complete honesty at my life, there is no way I could have been honest with myself and continued eating until I weighed over 300 pounds.  A few weeks ago my sponsor shared the following definition of denial with me - Don't Even kNow I Am Lying.

There's no way a person who eats cake, cookies, and cupcakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner can be healthy.  There's no way a person who can barely walk up a flight of stairs should be treating herself to a family size boxes of Crunch and Munch.  There's no way a type 2 Diabetic should be up at 2 in the morning baking chocolate chip cookies while eating potato chips.

This is called self destruction.  This is the extremely irrational behavior of a compulsive overeater.

My Compulsive Eating History - Part II

Okay, where did I leave off?  Let's see...

At 310 pounds, I found out I had type 2 Diabetes, Hypertension, High Cholestrol, Hypothyroidism, and Sleep Apena.

My trigger foods are:  Cake, cookies, cupcakes, cheesecake, Jelly Bellies, Crunch and Munch, and potato chips.  I love all things caramel and toffee.

I also did most of my eating at night. 

I eat because I'm stressed.  I eat to avoid dealing with my emotions and feelings.  I use food as a reward.



My Complusive Eating History



Oh God...where do I start.  As I have shared in my other blog, I was under to normal weight until I hit about 12 or 13.  This is when I started gaining weight.  Looking back, I eat because I was bored and frustrated. 

Being the oldest meant I took on a lot of adult responsibility...cooking...housework...you know name it.  As far as my parents were concerned, they had a built-in housekeeper and nanny.  So, part of me coping was to find some enjoyment out of my duties.  I cooked and tasted and baked and ate.  In fact, by the time I was in high school, I was probably doing most of the cooking, especially during the holidays.  My father even preferred my cooking to my mother's cooking...and she was a very good cook! 

Anyhow, I was eat a whole meal while cooking and then sit down with my family to eat again.  If a baked cookies, I would probably eat a dozen on my own. 

Because I was the oldest, I didn't hang out with my friends like a regular teenager.  So, I was at home eating and eating.  The more weight I gained the more I isolated.  When I did have the opportunity to hang out, I opted to stay home reading and snacking in my room.  This was my favorite pasttime.  A good book and a bunch of goodies.

During my senior year and through college, I weigh any where from 175 - 185.  During my late high school and college years, I developed this weird thing where I didn't like eating in front of others.   At home, I ate before or after my family.  If my mother was in a good mood, I could eat in my room.  In college, I didn't even get on the meal plan because I didn't want to eat in the dining hall.  I had a hot plate, fridge, and a toaster oven in my room.  I ate a lot of pasta and frozen pizza in college and grad school.  I stayed in the 180 range most of my 20's and 30's. 

When my mother passed in 1998, my eating became even worst.  This is when I really started bingeing.  I remember going from McDonald's to Taco Bell and then the grocery store for ice cream and snacks before going home for a feast.  I would eat and eat and eat until I got diarrhea.  By the time I knew it, I was 210.

This is when I met my ex.  Let's just say my ex loved to eat too.  So we ate and ate.  It was fun at first.  We used to joke that we were eating our way through Atlanta.  Then, things started getting bad and I started eating to deal with the stress of the relationship.  Often after we fought, my ex would bring home cake, Crunch and Munch, cookies, cheesecake, Jelly Bellies, or cupcakes as a peace offering.  I woke up one day and I weighed 310!

To be continued....

12-Step Workbook

Hello! My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I recently purchased the OA Workbook.  I plan to work through the book.  I am committed to doing some sort of step work each day and I believe working through this workbook will help keep me on track.

As stated in the introduction to the Workbook, the sole purpose is to guide my personal journey through the Steps.  I hope putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, so to speak, will help me gain some clarity on my dis-ease and recovery.  I also hope sharing my thoughts and feelings will help someone who stumbles upon this blog.

Sustained Effort

… it takes a sustained effort to apply its spiritual principles in every area of my life.

                                                                                    ~For Today, page 5

These words in today’s reading really jumped out at me.  So much so I took the time to look up the word “sustained” to expanded my understanding of the phrase.  Here’s what I noted:

-         to keep existence, maintain

-         to supply with necessities or nourishment

-         to support from below; keep from falling

-         to support the spirits, vitality, encourage

-         to affirm the validity of

-         to prove, confirm

Wow!  This word packs a lot of punch, huh?  What I understand is that my recovery is a living thing.  It is something that requires care or else it will die.  

A few weeks ago I read Step 12 in the OA 12 + 12.  While reading this, I wrote down all the spiritual principles gained from working it each step:

-         Step 1 – honesty

-         Step 2 – hope

-         Step 3 – faith

-         Step 4 – courage

-         Step 5 – integrity

-         Step 6 – willingness

-         Step 7 – humility

-         Step 8 – self –discipline

-         Step 9 – love

-         Step 10 – perseverance

-         Step 11 – spiritual awareness

-         Step 12 - service

I think of these spiritual principles as the fruit of the spirit.  This is the fruit that I will bear from tending my garden of recovery.  Now that I have 95 days abstinent, my work is not over.  I learned this week in my Big Book study group that recovered does not mean cured.  I will always be a compulsive overeater.  In order to keep my abstinence, in order to sustain it, I have to keep working the steps.  Someone at a meeting (where the topic was abstinence) referred to spiritual fitness and maintaining a healthy rhythm while working the steps.  For me, this is what a sustained effort is…maintaining a healthy rhythm.  This means balance…not too fast…not too slow…not skipping a beat. 

One Momemt At A Time

It feels great to begin the year abstinent.  I reached 90 days of abstinence on 12/30/10.  As much as I am happy and grateful, I’m so anxious.  I just sent my sponsor a text that I’m thinking about quitting or relapsing just to get rid of this feeling.  It reminds me of something I read that said COEs, like other addicts, always wanting instant results and solutions to their problems.  Only someone sick would or could make abstinence a problem. 

I'm doing so well.  I want to continue on this path yet there is fear.  Yes.  I am experiencing fear of success and fear of failure at the same time.  I just need to stop thinking about it and live one moment at a time.