The Trap

I’ve been really struggling lately. Today I thought I was almost there. Relapse. I have read or heard somewhere that there are a thousand steps toward a relapse. It doesn't just happen. By the time you take that first bite, you've taken a number of steps toward the food. Well, I’ve probably taken 999 of those steps.

I’ve just had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks. I can't seem to release it. A lot of it is anger and resentment. I’m still so pissed off at myself and my ex. Every time I think I’m over it, something else pops up. I just wish I would let it go. I just have to acknowledge that loving someone does not mean I have to be with that person. In fact, at this point in my life, the best thing I can do is focus on loving myself.

It’s just my ego that bruised and damaged. How much more evidence do I need that a person doesn’t give a damn about me? I mean, really!
Anyhow, carrying around this huge load of anger and resentment is really wearing me down. Today I thought…Sheila, you have been abstinent over 200 days. Why do you feel this way?

I haven’t completed a 10th step inventory in weeks. I haven't logged my food in four days. I didn’t check in with my sponsor two days in a row. Today she called me on it. I spent some time praying and meditating this afternoon. I then talked to my sponsor and told her I want to go through the steps again. Her reaction surprised me. She was so excited. Here I am feeling defeated and she thinks it’s just the greatest thing in the world that I recognized what was happening. It just goes to show me how messed up my thinking is becoming. Why can’t I at least give myself credit for not turning to food?

The dis-ease has been doing its best to convince me that I could make it without the check ins, meetings, and daily inventories. I’ve been following my food plan and reading recovery material. I’m still abstinent so I’ll be all right. I don’t need this OA crap. The dis-ease has been telling me I am going to be bound to this crap all my life. I then told myself I have a choice. I can be a trapped in OA, or I can be a trapped in the food. Either way I’m going to be trapped.

My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

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I will be going to my hometown in a few weeks. I have a number of amends to do while I’m in town. To date, I’ve only completed a third of my list. In a few weeks, my list will be nearly complete. I am going on an amends marathon! This is going to be VERY interesting....

Step 11

or Seeking through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God….

Not much going on with my recovery. I recently joined an 11th Step Meditation group. I love it! It’s comprised of all sorts of addicts. We’re currently reading, The Art of Recovery.

While I am continue to check in with my sponsor, attend the meditation meetings, and attend an occasional online meeting, I cannot tell you when I’ve attended a face-to-face meeting. Truthfully, I do not miss them. I really never connected with either meeting I attended. I did like the Saturday morning meetings better than the crowded Sunday night meetings, but I find it very difficult to get up and get there at 9 am. I’m surprised my sponsor hasn’t said much to me about it. In the beginning, she was adamant about me attending face-to-face meetings. Now, as long as I attend at least one online meeting, I’m content. I know that I do not want to get in a place of being too content.

I am enjoying the meditation meetings. They are helping me to quench the flames of anger and resentment that came up to the surface while working on steps four, five, and six. As I continue working on my relationship with Spirit, I improve my relationship with myself…and others.

Namaste!

I've Got to be Me!

I have always wanted to be someone else. I've never wanted to be unique. I wanted to be just like everyone else -- "normal."

I do not know how to appreciate and love myself.

Today when I was meditating I realized how miserable I make myself by comparing myself to others.

So my first step toward self-acceptance is to stop the comparsion.

I pray for the courage to do so.

Why am I Angry?

While working through the steps, I have realized just how much of an angry person I had become. I had no idea I was full of so much anger and resentment. I was angry because I couldn’t get my way. I was angry because I couldn’t control things. I was angry because I felt mistreated and misunderstood in my life. The list goes on….

One of the lessons I am learning through program is acceptance.
For me, this means living in the present moment and accepting things just as they are. “Stay in the Now” is my motto.

I don't always do a good job with staying in the now. I have a tendency to stew about how things were the past or worry about how things should be in the future.

I am learning to live joyfully in the present and I am finding peace and serenity like I’ve never experienced in my life.
I am grateful for this program. I have been abstinent for six months. The anger fades and each day I find a little more to be joyful about.
Last week I ran across a quote that said something like…

When it comes to the past, you can choose to be bitter or better. I choose to be better – one day at a time.

Six Months of Freedom from COE

Today marks six months of abstinence. I cannot believe it! Only by the grace of God am I able to say I have been abstinent for six months. My abstinence hasn’t been perfect but I have done my best to follow the program and work the steps.

I am so happy to say I feel free. It’s been a difficult yet rewarding six months. Without OA, I know I would be absolutely miserable right now. I would still be bound to food and an insatiable appetite. Now, my life is filled with joy, gratitude, and happiness. Food is no longer my focus.
I’ve been focusing on relationships lately—my relationship with myself, others, and most importantly, my Creator.

I wish I had something more profound to say but this is it. I’m abstinent. I’m humbled. I’m grateful.

I Want to be Free!

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m not sure if I’ve already written about this but it has been on my mind all day long today. I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale. I shared this with my sponsor about three weeks ago and I still haven’t done anything about it. The fact that I haven’t put the scale away further lets me know I need to do so. So, why haven’t I?

I weigh myself at least three or four times a day. Actually, it’s probably more like five or six times. Truthfully, I started writing this because I’m sitting here trying not to go weigh myself. Anyhow…
The other day I was praying about this behavior. The answer I received is that it’s not that I can’t put the scale away; it’s that I won’t put it away. Bingo! Woop, there it is! Yep, that’s it – self will…stubbornness.
I guess that’s why it’s bothering me so much today. I am not going to be totally free until I am willing to surrender all to Spirit and my program. I can’t do things my way. My way hasn’t worked in the past so why am I even trying to go there?

I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale yet I am so afraid not to be without it. My sponsor was so brave the other day. She went to an appointment and didn’t even ask the nurse her weight. I was blown away! The poor girl at my doctor’s office already knows my routine. She’s tell me my weight and look for my previous weight because she knows I’m going to ask.

So, I was thinking about this so-called problem today and it’s because I went so long without a scale and not knowing how much I weighed. It wasn’t until I was ill and went to the doctor that I realized I weighed 310 pounds. I vowed I would never weigh over 300 pounds. Yet, I’m somehow under the illusion that if I’d had a scale it would have never happened. This is total B.S. Owning or not owning a scale had/has nothing to do with my weight gain/loss.
I’m somehow under the illusion that when I bought the scale I started losing weight. This is total B.S. too. When I started paying attention to what I was eating and exercising, the only thing the scale did is help me monitor my weight. I would have lost weight despite the scale.
Now with all this analysis and reasoning, I still can’t put the scale away. Even when I was at the gym today, I was plotting…even if I put the scale away, I could weigh myself at the gym…once a week…let’s see…if I put the scale away, I’ll still be able to get my weight when I go to the doctor on April 1…no, that’s too long…. UGH! What the hell is wrong with me??? Just put it away!

UPDATE: Well, I finally did it. After reading the passage in For Today on Wednesday, March 28, there was no way I could not put away the scale. I had to let go of my self will and trust my HP.

Rude Awakenings to Spiritual Awakenings

There are so many things that happened to me last year that shook me to my core and caused me to question everything. I had no idea who I had been living with for the past 11 years. Well, looking back on it, I probably did but I was in denial about it. As I say, the cloudiness of food didn’t allow me to see much back then.

Anyhow, through it all, I have gained so much more than I thought I was losing. Even all the “wonderful” foods I thought I was being asked to give up cannot compare with the wonderful fellowship I have found in OA. My relationship with myself, others, and Spirit is growing each day.
I am not sure I’d be where I am today without those rude awakenings of last year.

I am very grateful to God for my spiritual awakening and pray I never go back to sleep!