Insight Meditation

It’s been one week since I returned from my meditation retreat.  I’m still having trouble articulating what I experienced.  I’m having lunch with two people from my meditation group this afternoon so we can discuss it.

First of all, I am very proud of myself for going through the experience.  It wasn’t easy.  It also wasn’t as hard as I expected.  I did my best to stick to the schedule and do what I was told.  Meditating for 8 to 10 hours a day is no joke!  Being silent gives you no choice but to either observe your thoughts or participate with them.  I did a bit of both.  Days three and six were the worst.  In fact, on day 6, I participated with my thoughts so much I started hallucinating! It was wild!

I did gain some wonderful information that will help me with my meditation practice.  I also fully understand the Vipassana meditation technique and it confirmed that this is my preferred meditation technique.  The whole mind-body connection resonates with me.

I also gained some insights about myself.  The first one was that while I do have some awareness it is the subtle things I need to pay attention to.  In fact, I know this was a major opportunity in my previous relationship.  I let those subtle things go by that would have alerted me to my ex’s character (and possible mental illness).  I also realize I have a lot of self-doubt about what I truly believe.  My belief system has been so shaken and challenged over the past two years.  The last thing I started realizing right before going to the retreat is working on surrounding myself with like-minded people.  The more I surround myself with loving, supportive people, the more peaceful my life can become.

Tools of Recovery

I’m leaving for the silent 10-day meditation retreat in two days.  While I’m a bit nervous about it, I’m so looking forward to getting away for a while.  I’m tired and I do need to unplug.  I’m also sick of hearing about this election stuff.  I want to be an informed voter and actively engaged in the democratic progress.  However, I have to admit that lately it is causing anxiety.  I have to make sure I maintain as much calm in my life as possible.  Things have been pretty emotional lately.  I’ve been filled with self-pity.

It’s so true that keeping things in perspective is helpful.  Last night I had dinner with a friend.  We met in a plus-size yoga class years ago.  She was giving me a compliment about completing a 5K and my weight loss.  She has not been doing so well with her eating and weight.  She’s attended a few OA meetings with me but it’s just not her thing.  I would say she’s gained over 100 pounds since we’ve met.  I would guess she weighs over 400 pounds.

I wish there was a way I could support her more.  She started crying about not being about to control her eating.  I did my best to comfort her.  I told her the bottom line for me, when I reached 320 pounds, was that I just decided I couldn’t do it any longer.  I wanted my life and my health back.  I know it’s a scary thing but the fear about the road to recovery is not as great as the fear of being fat and sick all the time…at least for me.  Not really sure what I’m trying to say.  I guess what it all boils down to is that we have to come to that space for ourselves.  Until we do, we are in denial.  When we say we want to change, do we really mean it?  Are we ready to get down and dirty?  Or, are we still waiting for that magic pill?

I suspect my dear friend is still waiting for that magic pill. I can’t say I blame her.  It’s scary.  It’s hard.  I am no way near where I’d like to be and I know there’s still more digging I could and need to do.  There are days I feel like giving up.  There are days I do not give it my all. However, the bottom line is that it can be done.  I’m more afraid of what’s behind me than I am about what’s ahead of me.  Truth is…all I have to do is take it one day at a time.  We all can be shown the tools we need to get the job done but it’s up to us to do the work.

Retreat

This time next week I will be on my way to a 10-day silent meditation retreat.  I am so anxious.  Of course the compulsive overeater in me is worry about the food.  Will I get enough to eat?  What will they serve?  Will I like the food?  Whenever I travel, I feel this anxiousness about meals.   I know I will be out of my routine.  As my anxiety level rises, so do my cravings to binge.  Thankfully, this is a meditation retreat and all I will be doing in focusing on the present moment while learning to let go of all these types of attachments. 

This retreat is apparently popular within the 12-step community.  One of the guys in my meditation group, who is also in AA, told me about this retreat. He has been encouraging me to attend.   When I was at an OA retreat this spring, someone at dinner mentioned it.  I do find this comforting and confirming.  It’s not like I’m going to this place totally blind.  I’ve had the opportunity to chat with at least two people who are familiar with the retreat.  The guy in my meditation group was able to give me some very helpful advice:  request a cushion against the wall, bring your own water bottle, and pack some Advil for your back. 

I am really worried about my health.  My back hurts and I think I’m coming down with a cold.  I’m planning to get a flu shot tomorrow.  I wanted to get an adjustment today but my chiropractor is on vacation! Ugh!  Take a deep breath! Today I made up my mind if I’m not feeling better over the weekend. I am going to have to give up my spot at the retreat.  I’m praying for the best. 

Cravings and Closure

I’ve been a little off for a couple of days.  I’ve been having MAJOR cravings.  Sunday I seriously considered buying a box of Crunch and Munch.  So, yesterday, my sponsor asked me what I thought was triggering the cravings.  I didn’t have an answer for her. 

Today I have my speculations.  If it’s what I think it is, I’m so disappointed in myself.  I honestly thought I had moved on.  But…it is what it is.  I have to be honest with myself and face my feelings.  I have no control over them.  Anyhow, Friday when I was picking up my race packet I started feeling this overwhelming sense of panic.  I was within a mile or two of my ex’s place of employment.  I had this irrational sense of terror that I was going to somehow run into her.  It was bad!

Then, to top it off, the next day, due to the course change, we had to go by her previous place of employment.  I felt that same sense of terror and panic.  There was a huge part of me that wanted to stop right there in the middle of the street and start crying.  Why?  I really don’t know.  The best part was that it did help me maintain my pace.  I was tired and really wanted to stop.  However, I just kept running right past that building. 

This is crazy! I can’t spend my life avoiding certain parts of the city because they remind me of my ex!  I also can’t drown my feelings in boxes of Crunch and Munch!  This morning all I wanted to do was rush to the store and buy a box.  So, I’ll do the next best thing! Pray, meditate, write, and sweat it out!  Sweat therapy! I love it!  My back is still bothering me so I’m staying away from running.  I probably shouldn’t have tried to run on Saturday but it was very important to me to participate.  It will eventually pass.  This feelings will eventually pass.

I’m so looking forward to my retreat next week.  I am setting the intention right now that I can release these feelings and get closure once and for all. 

 

Two Years!

How funny is it that my sponsor had to remind that today is my two-year anniversary?  Lol! I really do not know what to say except that it's a miracle.  I never thought I could go two days without a box of Crunch and Munch or a piece of cake, let alone two years!

It has definitely been worth all the rough nights and tears. Who cries because she really wants to eat sweets?  Just goes to show you just how sick I was.

I am very grateful for my sponsor.  We've had a ups and downs.  Struggles of ego, power, and control.  She's the perfect sponsor for me.  I do know she can be overbearing but I realize it's her issue, not mine.  The most important thing is that she has what I want I am willing to go whatever length it is to get it. 

Has my abstinence been perfect?  No...but I can say I have not had one single bite of my favorite binge foods.  Every once in a while, my compulsion would show up -- too much caffeine, weighing myself up to six times a day, depression, etc.  Yet, I was too afraid to pick up those foods.

Through it all, I have learned that my addiction to sugar and certain foods is a spiritual ailment.  I am more convinced of this than ever before.  Right now I'm dealing with body image issues. In my mind, I am much better than I am.  While travelling, I was so worried that I wasn't going to fit in my airplane seat or that my seatbelt wasn't going to fit.  I bought a pair of pants that are too big.  I'm also starting to get self-conscious about my jogging.  In my mind, I'm too fat to run.

I know all be okay as long as I keep working the steps and being honest with myself.

Let Me Eat Cake -- NOT!

Today is my birthday.  It will be my second birthday with having a birthday cake.  I absolutely loved birthday cake.  I would buy a birthday cake even when it wasn't my birthday.  Then I discovered a place that sold birthday cake slice! Now, that was a great gift....NOT! 

I am on vacation visiting a friend.  I spent my birthday here two years ago and I one of my last "great" binges.  I ate a whole birthday cake.  I had just joined OA so it took me about three days to eat the cake instead of inhaling the entire thing in a day or two.  Anyhow, a month later I was blessed with the gift of abstinence.

So, today for my birthday I am going for a jog.  My initial goal for myself was to be able to job one mile nonstop by my 50th birthday.  I know I can comfortably run one mile so today I'm going to try to go for 2.5 miles.  Happy Birthday to me!

Self Will

I have not been doing so well lately.  Today I came within seconds of making a bad decision.  I went out to lunch with a friend.  I've been to this place a thousand times and know they serve potato chips with their sandwiches.  For whatever reason, I did not say, "no chips."  The whole time I sat there knowing my sandwich was being prepared and they were going to put chips on my plate.

The server comes and puts my plate in front of me.  I look at the bag of chips and toss them aside.  I start eating my sandwich, pick up the bag of chips and look at the calories.  150 calories.  Not bad, I tell myself.  I toss it aside again.  All sorts of thoughts are going through my mind.  "You can handle this.  It's been almost two years....one bag of chips isn't going to hurt...."  The more I wrestled with my thoughts about eating the chips, the more I realized it wasn't a good idea to eat them. 

After my meal was over, we sat and chatted, the bag of chips was still sitting on the table.  I even thought about taking the chips home to eat later while I was alone. As we got up to leave, I offered them to a friend and she put them in her purse.  I am very grateful I chose God's will over my own.