Monkey Mind

I really wonder what the Universe is trying to say. I don’t know if this is a test or what!?! Yesterday was a pretty rough day after that dream about my ex. Today has been great. I thought I lost my Fitbook but someone left it at the desk at the gym. Hooray! I was elated! I was off this morning to go to the lab for bloodwork and run some errands. I stayed on plan and didn’t stop to eat out. Yay! Now, I'm working this afternoon and I receive an email from someone with the same first and last name as my ex. WTF! The mind is all over the place! I thought I’d done all the forgiveness and release from resentment work that I needed to do…in fact, I have been feeling pretty neutral about the past … until that dream. I guess there’s more work to do. Going to meditate on this….

What a Nightmare!

Today got off to a yucky start. I had such a horrible dream about my ex. This cloud of sadness has been hovering over me all day. I am grateful I haven’t turned to food or sugar for comfort. Instead, I shared how I was feeling with my sponsor (huge for me) and I had a great workout at the gym. I pray my ex is okay. I acknowledge that I wish we were friends and accept that it is not a good idea. I also take this as a good opportunity to practice not creating extra stories. It was just a dream. I also pray that if something is going on with my ex that God will take care of it.

New Year, New Action Plan

Happy New Year! Today I made a second attempt at my new eating out action plan. I’m happy to say I was able to eat half of my meal and put the other half in a to-go box. I also ordered a side salad. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. In fact, I’m really having a hard time right now. I want to go into the kitchen and eat the other half! Instead, I decided I would do some writing … maybe I’ll uncover something. It’s not like I’m still hungry. I'm fine. I think there’s something about eating out that triggers the compulsive overeater in me. Let's face it, I like to eat out. I prefer eating out to eating at home. It’s taken me a while, a long while, to get used to having most of my meals at home. So I think just the idea of restaurant food triggers something in me. As I was driving home, I thought about how great I felt considering I didn’t my entire meal. This was proof positive that I can be okay with eating less food than I am currently consuming. Plus, it’s almost a given that most restaurant portions are enough for two or three people. So, even though I’m still obsessing about that to-go box sitting in my kitchen, I am very grateful to God and my sponsor for all the help I have in maintaining my abstinence. As I begin the new year, I have set the intention that I would like to end the year at my healthy weight. There's no way I will reach that go if I choose my self-will and go in the kitchen and touch that box! If it's going to be that big of a deal, I'm just going to have to put it in the trash!

Numbers Don't Lie!

I posted this on my fitness blog and felt I need to post it here as well: I am not very happy right now. I just weighed myself and I’ve gained four pounds! I guess I shouldn’t complain. It could be worst. I also shouldn’t be surprised since I’ve gone over my calorie goal for the day a few times this past two weeks. Anyhow, I am grateful for the courage to face the truth. The old me would have been in denial and stayed off the scale. I also have my new tool – a fat loss monitor. My focus for 2013—building muscle and losing fat!

As far as my food plan goes, I do not need to make many chances. The only thing I will change is my eating out patterns. I know much of the weight gain has to do with eating out over the holidays and not really knowing how many calories was in the food I was consuming. I could only guess and I was guessing too low. I can make it a habit to eat less on my plate when eating out. UPDATE: Just talked to my sponsor. I love her sooo much. She's always so positive and supportive. Anyhow, we agreed I would start eating half of whatever I order when eating out and making sure I eat some veggies with that meal. Often, I order something I usually don't eat at home like a burger and fries. I'm more of an all or nothing type person so I was thinking I'll just stop ordering this meal and order something else. My sponsor doesn't think I should do this. She's cool with me ordering the burger and fries but eating half and having a serving of veggies with it. So this will be my approach going forward.

Choices

Lead today’s meeting. I was very nervous about sharing my story. I know most of it had to do with my ego, my character defects reared their ugly heads –ego, arrogance, pride, and the queen of queens – SELF-WILL. I am grateful to God that I was able to recognize what was happening and humble myself. Humility is very important these days. I have to confess I haven’t been doing so well. Although I haven’t touched any of my trigger foods, I have been eating too much, not paying attention to my portions. Today I almost bought a brownie and a cookie. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am very grateful I did not chose self-will over what I know is good for my body, mind, and spirit.

Self-Will vs. God's Will

Yesterday was a rocky day for me. For whatever reason, I wanted fries and a Coke Zero for lunch. What a combination! I had this thought stuck in my mind most of the morning. So what do I do? I get in my car and head to the nearest fast food restaurant – Wendy’s. I get about a block away, turn around, go back home, and eat the salad I had planned for lunch. Whew! Good job choosing God’s will over my own self-will. Sadly, this is not the end of the story. I go to the gym, have a great workout, drink my protein shake, and the craving starts up again. How insane is it that I want to eat fries after working out? No way! I’m driving so I pick up my phone to commit to my sponsor that I will eat my planned dinner. Surprisingly, she picks up. We had a nice chat and I make it home without stopping. I am so very grateful for the willingness to work my program. I usually feel really stupid and weak when I call my sponsor like that. But, hey, it works! The truth is that I am not stupid and weak. That is my ego talking to me and I don’t need to listen to my ego. My spirit and my HP are reminding me that I am a compulsive overeater and powerless over food. I am grateful I heard that message loud and clear. Thank you, Spirit, for another abstinent day!

Tis the Season

I am not very happy with myself right now. I went out to eat last night and did not stick to my plan. I do not eat pizza very often. When I do, I stick to my plan – two slices and a side salad. Well, last night, I had three slices of pizza. Not good. I know my first mistake was not checking in with my sponsor when I arrived at the restaurant. I know I was all caught up in having a fun time at the concert, the holiday music, etc. It’s still no excuse. I have a plan and I need to stick to it! I did recognize that pause before I reached for that third slice but reached for it anyhow. SELF-WILL. Right then and there I should I’ve picked up my phone and texted my sponsor. Instead I chose to follow my self-will. I wanted to be normal and just eat like everyone else. Well, guess what? When it comes to food, I am not like everyone else! I cannot start bargaining with myself about food. I rationalized that it was okay to eat that third slice because I had been to the gym. It doesn’t matter. I need to always, always stick to my plan. If I am truly physically hungry, I can always have a snack later. The truth is that I wasn’t hungry and I felt way too full after dinner. I am grateful that I stopped after three slices. I am also grateful I was honest and promptly shared with my sponsor that I did not stick to my plan. She was actually more understanding about it than I was. Progress, not perfection, she reminded me. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought when I saw what I ate for the day on paper. Yesterday showed me just how important those before meal check ins are when I’m out. I sometimes feel like they are unnecessary. It’s not even something that my sponsor requires. However, after what happened last night, I see how much of an impact that little quick action of picking up my phone and committing to my sponsor that I will stay on plan means. It reminds me that I need to be aware while I out and eating with normal eaters. It’s also a gesture that demonstrates I have turned over my self-will. Today is a new day. I’m turning over my self-will and working my program, to the best of my ability, just for today. While it’s fine to reflect on the past and see my opportunities, it’s also important for me not to beat myself up about it. The experience also helps me to help my sponsee as they go out over the holidays. It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment. I’m also very surprised that I just admitted it to my sponsor right away. I’m so done with B.S. I refuse to carry around any additional unnecessary guilt. I’m trying to get rid of the crap I already have. No need to add more. Today’s another day to get it right. Progress, not perfection!