Resentment

Today was a pretty rough day. I feel like I have the sore that has barely healed and someone just came along a ripped off the scab. Thankfully, I chose to respond rather than react. I spent some time this afternoon reading Chapter Five in the Big Book. I also prayed a prayer to release resentment.

I am so grateful I did not pick up the phone a yell and scream like I really wanted to. I did eat like crap for dinner. Instead of a meal, I ate two protein bars, pretzels, and strawberries. I am not going to beat myself up about it. I could have done a better job. I could have been worse too.

...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wow! Today I had a wake up call about how very important it is for me to take care of myself. I heard from a former coworker who I haven’t been in touch with for over 20 years. We had some fun times together. I remember the day he got very sick at work and found out he had type 2 diabetes. I didn’t know about compulsive overeating, sugar addiction, and OA at the time.

He was having such a hard time eating healthy foods. He wasn’t taking very good care of himself and kept ending up in the hospital. In hindsight, I suspect he’s a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict. I remember calling him up one day and he was baking a cake! This was a few weeks after being released from the hospital! Anyhow, I just found out that last year, he had one of his legs amputated.

What a reality check about the perils of sugar addiction and overeating! Therefore, but for the grace of God, go I. Seeing how much he (and others) struggled with eating and health wasn’t enough to stop me from getting diabetes. Even though my diabetes has been under control for years, it is still very important that I eat healthy foods and exercise my body on a regular basis. It will also help to be as close to a healthy body weight as possible. I have the knowledge and support to keep myself healthy. I just have to use it and surrender the rest to the God of my understanding.

I am so very grateful for OA and my recovery right now. It would be so easy to reach for sugar. I confess I’ve been thinking about it. I have been so uncomfortable for the last few days. I am grateful it has also been easy for me to reach out to my sponsor and others for help. One of my biggest fears is being so out of control with my eating. I also have a few that I will get sick from diabetes and one of my limbs will be amputated. I know I do not have cling to this fear as long as have faith in my God and continue working my program – one day at a time.

Romanticizing the Food

I’m having a hard time right now. I just reached out to my sponsor who gave me the inspiration for this writing. She made an observation that I was “kind of romanticizing the food.” She was being kind. There is no “kind of” about it. I’m having a love affair with all the memories of my compulsive overeating and bingeing. Yet, I’m only romanticizing part of the story --the sugary sweet highs while ignoring all the yucky diarrhea, high blood sugar, and excess fat lows.

What I need to remind myself about is the ugly part of my food romance. I can start by remembering how out of control I was, having cupcakes and boxes of Crunch and Munch with coffee for breakfast. Yeah, got a rush, a rush of diarrhea that wouldn’t stop me from continuing onto bags of potato chips and hunks of cheese for lunch. Dinner usually consisted of pizza or some other takeout food. I would end the day feeling stuffed and miserable. It didn’t stop there. Then, I’d have a huge bowl of popcorn with lots and lots of butter. In between these “meals” I would eat jelly bellies and Mike and Ikes. I would often wake up in the middle of the night to have ice cream and chips or more buttered popcorn. Sometimes I’d even go out for a French fries run.

I could barely move. I had trouble walking up and down the stairs in the house. I could barely go anywhere that required a lot of walking. It was a struggle for me to find clothes and shoes that fit.

While I thought I enjoyed eating all that food, I was actually miserable. This is what the Buddhist call “dukkha” or suffering –the endless cycling of craving and aversion. I crave sugary sweet to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Right now, I want to avoid feeling yucky. I think I’m just tired from all this swimming I’ve been attempting to do. I’ve been in the pool four days straight. While I’ve been having fun, it is hard work.

Anyhow, going forward, I plan to be more balanced when it comes to my food cravings. When I reminisce about all the so-called “good” about being in the food, I also need to remember all the misery.

The Phenomenon of Craving

Today I read “The Doctor’s Opinion” in the AABB. I’ve read it a couple of times but today the phrase “phenomenon of craving” jumped out at me. As the good doctor described, after just one drink, this phenomenon of craving begins in the alcoholic. He or she cannot stop with just one drink. As a compulsive overeater, I can definitely relate to this type of craving. Yes, there are certain food items, no doubt, that if I had just one bite, I would not be able to stop eating. This is what differentiates the way I eat certain food items from the normal eater. For today, I am reminded that I am a compulsive overeater. I have a dis-ease, an addiction to certain foods, and, as “The Doctor’s Opinion” reminds me, the only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. AABB, Fourth Edition, xxx.

Intuition

Today I am thinking about intuition. This has come up for me during therapy and life coaching a few years ago. It also comes up in our Tuesday night discussions about meditation. A couple of days my sponsor said something that reminded me of those lessons about using her intuition.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped trusting my intuition. I could speculate on why it happened but it really doesn’t matter. What is important is regaining my confidence in this area. This is yet another reminder about how essential my meditation practice is to my life and recovery.

My therapist would always say, trust your gut.
My life coach’s question would often be, how did it feel in the body?
At the meditation retreat I learned how to focus on the subtle sensations in the body.

While writing, I am reminded about something that always touches me when read during OA meetings – The Promises.

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

The line about intuition always speaks to me. This just goes to show that answers are all around if I would just pay attention.

Impermanence

Last night I was meditating on my latest lessons regarding letting go. It’s amazing when you realize that all the answers you know are already there, if you will just listen. My answer – impermanence. I spent so much time last fall meditating and learning about impermanence, Anicca, while on that silent meditation retreat. This is my overall lesson and answer to the end of suffering in this area.

My faith has taught me to let go and let God. The Big Book reminds me that acceptance is the answer. My truth is that I have a huge problem accepting change. As soon as I accept that the nature of life is impermanence and flux, I will not have the struggles with wondering why certain things have happened. I just need to go with the flow and accept what is….

Letting Go

Letting Go

Lately I have been dealing with lessons in letting go. One of my sponsees has been MIA for a while now. After trying to contact her a few times, I finally gave up. I was very frustrated and angry about it for a while. It triggered feelings I had about my ex too. I really do not understand people who can just walk away and not say a word. I am left wondering what happened. There is a huge part of me that is hurt because I feel it says something about how much the person did not value our relationship. All I can do it try not to take it personally and keep moving forward. I eventually let go of the hope that I would hear from this sponsee. It’s been months now.

Once I came to terms with this, my other sponsee stopped checking in. She had been inconsistently checking in for a while. When I approached her about the possibility that maybe I was not the sponsor for her, she recommitted. Then, the inconsistency started again. I started feeling like I wasn’t really doing a very good job supporting her because she kept procrastinating about her 4th step. I even told her that she didn’t have to share it with me right away. I just wanted her to complete it. I’ve been in OA for almost three years and I’ve seen so many people that have not completed the steps. There are people in my face-to-face that have been there before I joined and they still haven’t completed the steps. While I am not judging, I do think that being committed to working the steps is the key to recovery. This is just my observation.

Anyhow, I shared with my sponsor that I was beginning to get angry because this sponsee just stopped checking in. I was doing my best to work the steps, show compassion, and be patient. I knew my anger and frustration was the dis-ease. I know her absence is just the dis-ease, however, I do feel that there is a certain amount of communication that comes along with sponsorship. If you’re struggling and you cannot reach out to your sponsor, something is terribly wrong. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I have struggles too. All I expect is an honest effort. I do not expect more from anyone that I am not willing to give. This is where I come from in any type of relationship. My sponsor is a lot less tolerant with these things. She would have dropped her like a hot potato a long time ago. In fact, she gentle suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of this sponsee too.

This is where I have to do a lot of self-reflection. So many things about my sponsorships remind me of my past relationship – codependency. I want so much to be fair to people and treat them the way I want to be treated. It doesn’t seem to end that way. I would want someone to be patient with me. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Yet, I find myself wanting more for a person than she wants for herself. This happened with my ex, this happened again with my sponsees. I hang in there with them and then they just disappear without a word.

What’s the lesson in all this? I do not know. I do know I am the common denominator and if I’m doing something wrong I would like to figure out what