Numbers Don't Lie!

I posted this on my fitness blog and felt I need to post it here as well: I am not very happy right now. I just weighed myself and I’ve gained four pounds! I guess I shouldn’t complain. It could be worst. I also shouldn’t be surprised since I’ve gone over my calorie goal for the day a few times this past two weeks. Anyhow, I am grateful for the courage to face the truth. The old me would have been in denial and stayed off the scale. I also have my new tool – a fat loss monitor. My focus for 2013—building muscle and losing fat!

As far as my food plan goes, I do not need to make many chances. The only thing I will change is my eating out patterns. I know much of the weight gain has to do with eating out over the holidays and not really knowing how many calories was in the food I was consuming. I could only guess and I was guessing too low. I can make it a habit to eat less on my plate when eating out. UPDATE: Just talked to my sponsor. I love her sooo much. She's always so positive and supportive. Anyhow, we agreed I would start eating half of whatever I order when eating out and making sure I eat some veggies with that meal. Often, I order something I usually don't eat at home like a burger and fries. I'm more of an all or nothing type person so I was thinking I'll just stop ordering this meal and order something else. My sponsor doesn't think I should do this. She's cool with me ordering the burger and fries but eating half and having a serving of veggies with it. So this will be my approach going forward.

Choices

Lead today’s meeting. I was very nervous about sharing my story. I know most of it had to do with my ego, my character defects reared their ugly heads –ego, arrogance, pride, and the queen of queens – SELF-WILL. I am grateful to God that I was able to recognize what was happening and humble myself. Humility is very important these days. I have to confess I haven’t been doing so well. Although I haven’t touched any of my trigger foods, I have been eating too much, not paying attention to my portions. Today I almost bought a brownie and a cookie. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am very grateful I did not chose self-will over what I know is good for my body, mind, and spirit.

Self-Will vs. God's Will

Yesterday was a rocky day for me. For whatever reason, I wanted fries and a Coke Zero for lunch. What a combination! I had this thought stuck in my mind most of the morning. So what do I do? I get in my car and head to the nearest fast food restaurant – Wendy’s. I get about a block away, turn around, go back home, and eat the salad I had planned for lunch. Whew! Good job choosing God’s will over my own self-will. Sadly, this is not the end of the story. I go to the gym, have a great workout, drink my protein shake, and the craving starts up again. How insane is it that I want to eat fries after working out? No way! I’m driving so I pick up my phone to commit to my sponsor that I will eat my planned dinner. Surprisingly, she picks up. We had a nice chat and I make it home without stopping. I am so very grateful for the willingness to work my program. I usually feel really stupid and weak when I call my sponsor like that. But, hey, it works! The truth is that I am not stupid and weak. That is my ego talking to me and I don’t need to listen to my ego. My spirit and my HP are reminding me that I am a compulsive overeater and powerless over food. I am grateful I heard that message loud and clear. Thank you, Spirit, for another abstinent day!

Tis the Season

I am not very happy with myself right now. I went out to eat last night and did not stick to my plan. I do not eat pizza very often. When I do, I stick to my plan – two slices and a side salad. Well, last night, I had three slices of pizza. Not good. I know my first mistake was not checking in with my sponsor when I arrived at the restaurant. I know I was all caught up in having a fun time at the concert, the holiday music, etc. It’s still no excuse. I have a plan and I need to stick to it! I did recognize that pause before I reached for that third slice but reached for it anyhow. SELF-WILL. Right then and there I should I’ve picked up my phone and texted my sponsor. Instead I chose to follow my self-will. I wanted to be normal and just eat like everyone else. Well, guess what? When it comes to food, I am not like everyone else! I cannot start bargaining with myself about food. I rationalized that it was okay to eat that third slice because I had been to the gym. It doesn’t matter. I need to always, always stick to my plan. If I am truly physically hungry, I can always have a snack later. The truth is that I wasn’t hungry and I felt way too full after dinner. I am grateful that I stopped after three slices. I am also grateful I was honest and promptly shared with my sponsor that I did not stick to my plan. She was actually more understanding about it than I was. Progress, not perfection, she reminded me. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought when I saw what I ate for the day on paper. Yesterday showed me just how important those before meal check ins are when I’m out. I sometimes feel like they are unnecessary. It’s not even something that my sponsor requires. However, after what happened last night, I see how much of an impact that little quick action of picking up my phone and committing to my sponsor that I will stay on plan means. It reminds me that I need to be aware while I out and eating with normal eaters. It’s also a gesture that demonstrates I have turned over my self-will. Today is a new day. I’m turning over my self-will and working my program, to the best of my ability, just for today. While it’s fine to reflect on the past and see my opportunities, it’s also important for me not to beat myself up about it. The experience also helps me to help my sponsee as they go out over the holidays. It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment. I’m also very surprised that I just admitted it to my sponsor right away. I’m so done with B.S. I refuse to carry around any additional unnecessary guilt. I’m trying to get rid of the crap I already have. No need to add more. Today’s another day to get it right. Progress, not perfection!

Work In Progress

 

There’s more work to be done.  Lately I have been having HUGE urges to binge.  I’ve been craving potato chips like crazy.  Last week was a really rough week for me.  I had at least three incidents of crying for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I think I started putting my finger on what’s going on with me.  A few weeks I saw a Facebook post my ex made to a mutual friend.  She mentioned that she was shopping for Christmas ornaments.  Resentment reared its ugly head.  There was a part of me that is so disgusted with her.  First of all, how many fucking ornaments do you needs? (Really none of my business)  Second, now that you’re greedy ass is buy more ornaments, can I have my mother’s and grandmother’s ornaments back!!!!! 

Yesterday, after hiking, we stopped by this little café that had a gift shop.  When I saw all the beautiful ornaments, I had this feeling that I wanted to cry.  This is when it all made sense to me.  I know those things are long gone but I guess deep down, now that the holidays are around the corner, I am mourning the loss of those things…and my mother.  I’m kind of pissed at myself because I thought this was resolved and I’d let it go.

Also, last night during a conversation, my cousin said someone asked about me and then asked about my ex.  He said he told her that I rarely mention ex these days.  I thought, yeah, that’s true but I still think about her.

The other day I was reading something (and I wished I’d bookmarked it) that said that if you, as an addict, find yourself questioning why a person behaves a certain way then it’s time to take a fourth step inventory.  In general, this statement really struck me.  Today when I was meditating, this statement reappeared when I was thinking about the reappearance of my thoughts about my ex and resentment.  I have to remind myself that she is a sick person.  Who knows why it was so important for her to do the things she did?  What’s more important is that I’m still suffering and in pain about something that happened over two years ago.  I must accept that she doesn’t give a shit.  I have my own sickness to do with.  I’m sure there are things that I did that hurt her.  Even though my actions may not have been as deliberate, I have a hand in this matter and it’s the only one I have any say over.

So, I will continue to work on dropping the rope, letting go of resentment, and forgiving her and myself.  I am also very grateful to know where these feelings are coming from so I can work on healing.

 

One Day at a Time

Having a really rough day today. I've had to resort to using my measuring cups and spoons to make sure I don't overeat today.  Part of me feels so defeated when I have to measure my food.  It is what it is. I am very grateful for the willingness to do the footwork.  I am also very frustrated with myself.  Why, oh, why am I craving potato chips?  I haven't had them in over two years and yet I have been thinking about them all week!!!!!  UGH!!!!!!!

All I can do is take it one day at a time.  For today, I will work my program.  I am powerless over food!

Humility

At yesterday’s meeting we read the 11^th tradition in the OA 12 + 12.  I’ve read this tradition several times but yesterday was the first time the tradition really clicked for me.  In addition to placing principles over personalities, the tradition is also about humility and spiritual fitness.  On page 196 it says, Humility is one of the essentials qualities we must develop in order to recover from compulsive eating.  Maintaining our anonymity at the level of the public media is one way in which we practice humility.  It’s one way in which we let go of personal ambition in order to keep ourselves in fit spiritual condition.

This passage really hit me yesterday.  As someone who has spent most of her life driven by self-will and ego, I can truly testify that working the steps has brought me a tremendous amount of peace and serenity.  While I can be fiercely competitive, I can now do this without the need to shine or stand out.  I do my best to think of “we” instead of “I.”  Living this way is so liberating.

I have also found that that things work out.  A great example of this happened a few weeks ago.  During our quarterly departmental meeting, I was recognized for my work on the Social Media team.  It was totally unexpected.  The truth is I can’t tell you how many times I was angry and upset over the past years that I did not receive a recognition award when I had worked my butt off trying to be recognized.  Sometimes I did receive an award, but the times I did not I was totally resentful about it.  I can’t tell you the last time I thought about receiving one of those awards and this one just fell in my lap. 

I know my abstinence is due to the hard work of others.  While I do the footwork, I do have many people who have support me – the people in my meetings, the people who lead the meetings, my sponsor, and all my OA buddies who I listen to me.  There is no way I could do this alone so I can’t take all the credit.  I also can’t think only of my recovery when there are so many others who are still suffering.  A few days ago someone posted something on Facebook that really spoke to me: