Tao of Recovery

I just started reading this very fascinating book.  It's not an OA-approved book.  My ex gave it to me over six years ago.  The publisher rented space in her building and was giving away a few titles.  She picked up a few, including this one.  I was reading the Tao Te Ching at the time so I guess that's why she thought I would be interested in reading it.  Wow!  Who would have known years later I would be in recovery.  I never even opened the book until three days ago.  I love it! 

It's a series of interpretations (poetry really) on the Tao Te Ching.  I could really relate to a passage I read in the foreword:

At its essence, recovering is also uncovering - uncovering that which was hidden by alcohol, drugs, abuse, or loss.  Often what was hidden was not, as many of us suspected, some terrible darkness or defect.  Rather, what was hidden was our fundamental inner perfection, our true spiritual nature - what Thomas Merton called "our hidden wholeness."

I can really relate to the uncovering of "true spiritual nature."  I was thinking the other day about how I am working towards being more authentic.  A lot of this has to do with getting out of my dysfunctional relationship.  Honestly, I did not know how dyfunctional it was until last week.  I did not see how much of myself was lost over the last 11 years.  The second part has to do with being abstinent.  I shared this in a meeting earlier today.  I've definitely gained a lot of clarity on my path to recovery. I am finally getting back to me.  I've been abstinent 85 days now.

I was watching the movie "Doubt" today.  I recognized so many sublities I missed in that movie because I was in a fog of food and my relationship.  I flashed back to being very tense with Crystal about something that day.  I remember not really paying attention to the movie because I was preoccupied with whatever B.S. was going on with us at the time.  So, today is the first time I really saw the moview.  I also that about how many other movies I really need to view again now that I can experience the now, being present, and being aware.

Facing my Feelings



I feel myself sinking. I'm angry and I'm sad. I started therapy about three weeks ago.  All these feelings are starting to surface and it's contributing to more urges.  As my sponsor always says...this, too, shall pass.  The nighttime is hard enough without all these other thoughts swirling around in my head.  I will continue to turn over my will to Spirit.  No matter what is going on inside my head or heart, I commit to sticking with my food plan.  I will earn my 90-day coin.

I have to give myself credit for maintaining my abstinence.  My almost 11-year relationship is over.  I moved into a new place on Dec. 1.  Work has been chaotic.  My whole life and routine has been turned upside down and sideways.  Through it all, Spirit, my OA friends, and my super awesome, supportive sponsor have been there to help.  I know I cannot take all the credit for remaining abstinent.  I have been working the steps -- 12 Steps in 12 Weeks.  This has been ambitious.  I'm just an overachiever.  I need to add that to my list of character defects, huh?

Anyhow, I guess I will ramble on some more as this dark cloud hovers over me.  The best thing about living alone is that I do not have to worry about trigger food being around.  My ex often had things around that made these urges and cravings even more intense.  I am going to breathe, pray, and meditate.  I may attend an online meeting in a few meetings.

Consistency vs. Complacency

Today I am convinced that I’m powerless over food, and if I allow complacency in my program, my life will become unmanageable. Voices of Recovery, Dec. 12th

Yes, there are days I struggle with complacency.  It is usually when I have a lot to accomplish in a day.  I have to remind myself that no matter what is going on I must take the time needed to focus on my recovery.  It is my number one priority.  Without taking care of myself, I cannot take care of the other matters in my life.

I have to resist the urge to rush through my morning meditation and prayer time or skip my evening prayer and meditation.  This is ritual has become an essential part of my recovery.  I’ve always prayed and meditated but not like I have been doing since OA.  It’s also important that I check in with my sponsor each day, especially at the end of the day.  I also like to read For Today daily.  These are the basic tools I need to use to help me stay abstinent.  I still want to make writing a part of my basic routine.  I am working on improving in this area.

Even when I am in a good space, I have to mindful of the temptation to use the tools haphazardly.  It is not always perfect but I do my best to be consistent about doing the footwork. I do not want to fool myself that 70+ days of abstinence means I’m cured.  The effort that it took to get me to this place is the same effort that will keep me in recovery, one day at a time.

There are nights I turn off my laptop only to turn it on again, drag it to my bed, and do my meditation before going to bed.  I do ever want to get to a point where I think I do not need to take the time to work my program. I have listened to enough shares to understand how important it is to be consistent with using the tools.

Yours in Recovery,

Sheila

The Past is A Present

I cannot regret my past for it allowed me to endure to the present. ~ For Today, p. 346

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I think about this all the time.  I was under the illusion that compulsive overeating helped me be a more productive and efficient person.  Right now I have a pile of papers to grade.  If I were still in the food, they would be done by now.  There’s no doubt about. I could distract my thoughts and emotions so I could get my work done.  However, the work would be done and the problems would be here.

Now, I pray and meditate to calm my mind.  I ask my HP to help me. There are other times I reach out to my sponsor or others. Online meetings are a tremendous help. There are still other times I just need to deal with whatever is going on and stop resisting or ignoring it.

Being in OA is providing me with a new way of being.  I have met some wonderful people and my life is becoming more manageable.  If it were not for my past, I would not have the wonderful gifts of today.

Thanks for listening,

Sheila



Unsettledness

For today:  I rejoice that the feeling of being unsettled – having many problems to deal with, much  adjusting to do – sends me to my Higher Power instead of the refrigerator.” page. 332

Have you been unsettled?   If so, what gift(s) does that bring?

Where should I start?  Ending an 11-year relationship, moving into a new place in five days, released a 15-year friendship, a very dear friend I’ve known since 2^nd grade made his transition over the summer, new and extra duties at work (in addition to learning a new system scheduled to launch in two weeks), and I joined OA in August.

Despite all of these unsettling events over the past months, I have received many gifts and miracles.  I am learning a new way of being. I am most grateful for Spirit leading me to OA instead of drowning my sorrows in a plate of food.  I am very grateful for my awesome, supportive sponsor.  I have met so many wonderful, supportive people.  It’s so comforting to know there are people out there who understand what I’m going through. I also appreciate the opportunity and gift to be of service to others. My relationship with my Higher Power gets stronger each day. I also have the wonderful miracle and gift of over 50 days of abstinence.

What strategies have you found helpful in times of difficulty?

Daily and multiple prayer and meditation sessions have been very helpful.  Reaching out to my sponsor and learning from her ESH on a daily basis has been extremely helpful.  I reach out and fellowship with other OA friends.  I have made a commitment to journal on a regular basis.

I also have various quotes, affirmations, and Step Prayers posted throughout my home to help me stay present.

Is there anything else, on this topic or another, you’d like to say?

One of the things I have learned to appreciate from fellowship in OA is that I am not alone, that there are others who can relate to what I am feeling.  This has helped me to begin having more compassion for those I blame from some of the unsettling events in my life right now.  In fact, this week, I found myself praying for them because I know they are just as anxious and unsettled about things as I am at times.  I have prayed that we all stay present and take things one day at a time. 

Thanks for listening,

Sheila

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

There are a marathon of meetings, in all sorts of venues, going on today.  I attended a face to face meeting this morning and plan to attend an online meeting tonight.  This will be my way of expressing gratitude and giving service to a program that is changing my life.  Let me start by saying I have only been in OA since August.  However, I was expecting there to be a lot of people at the meeting this morning.  It was me and the leader.  I am very grateful I attended.

First of all, on my way to the meeting, I tried to talk myself out of going.  I kept thinking...is this really necessary?  I usually attend a Saturday face to face meeting.  Afterall, I feel very calm about sharing Thanksgiving meal at my friend's house.  Then, as I was driving, I saw people walking, cycling, and jogging.  I thought to myself...they're taking care of self.  Going to a meeting is taking care of yourself, Sheila.  Anyhow, I'm glad I attended. 

We had a short meeting of shares and then we just sat and chatted about the program.  I'm working on Step Seven so she had her experience, strength, and hope about taking Step Seven with me. 

Today is Day 55 of abstinence for me.  I am praying and thanking Spirit in advance that I, and my OA fellows, will remain abstinent throughout this day of Thanksgiving. 

Yours in Recovery~

Sheila

Attitude of Gratitude

Hello!  Sheila, compulsive overeater checking in. Despite the holiday, gratitude has been on my mind a lot for the past two weeks.  Each day I submit a gratitude list to my sponsor.  There are some days I find it hard to think of things to be grateful for.  This is a good indication that I am not present and have not surrendered my all to Spirit.  When I am in my head and not my heart, all sorts of havoc can begin.  If I truly started counting my blessings, I don’t know when I could stop.

Today I am grateful for abstinence.  Last night I was talking to my sponsor and told her how I get filled with so much emotion when I think about the fact that I have been abstinent for over 50 days now.  When I first committed to my food plan, I was going to be happy if I lasted a week.  The miracle of it all is that my food plan includes not eating after 9 pm. (Yes, I’m a night eater.)  Anyhow, I have not done so in over 50 days and I am determined to get my 60 day coin.  However, OA is a “we” program.  I have not accomplished this alone. It’s been me and everyone who has supported me, all the shares in the meetings, all the phone calls and texts from my wonderful sponsor, all the prayers to Spirit.  Without this concerted effort, I would still be buried in the food.  I am so grateful to be in a healing space right now. Thank you, kind Spirit!

Introduction

Hi my name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater. Well, I have decided to start another blog. I have a fitness blog. However, in keeping with OA tradition, I think it’s best not to mix the two. Plus, I plan to use this blog as a journal. I attended an OA workshop and realize I do not use the tool of writing often enough.

I joined OA one desperate Friday night in August. I was despondent over the break of an 11-year relationship. I’d lost 60 pounds on my own and was very afraid I was going to regain the weight. I’d spent the evening arguing with myself over the purchase of a slice of cake. I remember walking around that store telling myself not to buy it. I purchased it anyhow. Then I told myself to throw it away before I got home. I kept driving. I sat in the garage telling myself to put it in the trash before going in the house. I didn’t do it. Before I knew it, I had inhaled that piece of cake and a family size box of Crunch and Munch. I knew I was in trouble.

To tell you the truth, I do not know how I ended up at that OA meeting online that night. I was probably researching something about eating. It was a pretty foggy (mentally and spiritually) night. I remember sitting there all disgusted with myself staring at the screen. I remember one lady sending me a private message welcoming me and explaining the ins and outs of the meeting. I liked it so much I attended the next night and the next night. Some of those nights in the beginning I was eating right before, during, or after the meeting. I was really, really insane.

Four months later I’m doing much better. I have been abstinent for 52 days now! I have a wonderful, loving, supportive sponsor. I attend OA meetings online two or three times a week and face to face meetings once a week. I am very grateful for recovery. OA is helping me be a better me. I have my ups and downs. I am trying my best to do the footwork that will lead me to serenity.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me.