Hope

Step 1 Writing

How willing am I to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable?

Joining OA was a great eye-opener for me. I had a very hard time admitting I was powerless over food. I was raised to believe I could conquer anything. Self-reliance was a HUGE part of my belief system. I was taught that I worked hard I could overcome anything. To a certain degree, I still believe this. However, when it comes to food, I have made some adjustments to my beliefs.

I thought admitting I was powerless meant I was admitting I was weak. Through working the steps I have learned the two are not synonymous. I have no control over my addiction and attachment to certain food and food behaviors. Trying to control something that is uncontrollable is insanity!

When I finally realized my eating was out of control, I did my best to gain control. I did a great job for a while. Willpower worked. I lost weight. When my relationship failed, so did my willpower. I found myself diving back into the food despite my best efforts. I knew I had a choice but I kept making unhealthy choices anyhow.

So, I am willing to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable by working the steps and attending OA meetings. I keep a food diary and check in with my sponsor every day. For the longest time I resisted writing down what I ate. Eating, overeating, was my private ritual. Being accountable to someone for what I eat every day is one way I demonstrate my willingness.

I also had to admit there were certain foods I could no longer eat. I have been willing to give up eating some of my “favorite” foods – potato chips, Crunch and Munch, jelly bellys, Mike and Ikes, cake, and cupcakes, and cookies.

Making a connection between how my overeating was more difficult. I was really hard for me to see how my relationship with food had affected my relationship with people. I became willing to admit there were times I chose food over people. I chose to steal and sneak other people’s foods. I chose to stay in alone and eat instead of going out with others to socialize. I am willing to admit there have been times I have been so focused on the food I was eating that I wasn’t very present during meals or social events. As a result, my relationships with people suffered.

I know have a food plan that helps me stay on track with abstinence and recovery. I make sure I read For Today every day to remind me that I need constant guidance when it comes to my relationship with eating and food. I am willing to check in with my sponsor before and after meal, when necessary. I am willing to identify myself as a compulsive overeater. I am willing to go to meetings. I am willing to reach out to others. I am willing to listen and be of service to other COE’s. I am willing to work the step and my program on a daily basis.

Introduction to Human Nutrition

I'm so excited about the online course I'm taking -- Into to Human Nutrition. It's a course through the University of Florida and Coursera. I received 90% on my Week One quiz and I just completed my Week One assignment. I hope I figured out how to copy and paste it here to share. We also have to track our food and do a weekly assessment of our nutrition. I'm learning so much about nutrition that I know will help me maximize my health and get to a healthier body weight.

Mindfull or Mindful

I saw this photo on Facebook and it speaks so much to what's going on with me right now:

I’m not doing so well today. I’m still dwelling on yesterday. I realize I made a mistake. I went to Subway (no big deal). I’m still upset with myself because I think I should have ordered a 6-inch instead of a footlong. Even though I only eat veggie and cheese, my action plan while eating out is to eat less. I shared how I felt last night with my sponsor. I’ll see how my sponsor responds to my check-in. Usually things that I beat myself up about she doesn’t see the same way. Hopefully I can gain some perspective.

I’m also not happy with myself because I didn’t go to the gym or workout yesterday. One of my goals this year is to be more consistent with my exercise and food plan. However, I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time. I can’t do anything about the choices I made yesterday but I can be mindful of today’s choices.

Monday's Moment

Let it Be!

It's not a matter of letting go—you would if you could. Instead of "Let it go," we should probably say "Let it be." ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn




Yesterday it became very apparent that it is time to release yet a few more people from my social circle. I was upset with this person for mentioning my ex. I was upset with myself for being upset about the mention of my ex. It’s been over three years. It doesn’t matter where I want to be. I must accept where I am. I’m done judging myself about it. It is what it is.


This morning I’m in a good space about it. I’m a little worried about what is going to be said when and if they figure it out. I can’t worry about that. I have to take care of me. I have spent more than enough time considering the feelings of others over my own. While I do not think there was anything wrong with that, now I’m at a space in my live where I need to treat myself with more love and compassion.
While there are some things I realize I have to just learn to deal with, this annoyance is optional and the best thing to do is just get rid of it. It’s not fair to others or myself to expect things to be a certain way.


So, this morning, with love and compassion for all concerned, I release and let it be.
Resentment, bitterness, anger, and any other unnecessary negative emotion is detrimental to my recovery. For today, I am willing and committed to loving and taking care of myself.

I just listened to a great podcast that offered me a great reminder about ego, attachment, and suffering. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. My reaction to things is merely a barometer of the size of my ego. All I want to do is stop the cycle of suffering! The lesson is to continue paying attention to my triggers and taking the next right action.

Issues in Control

Lessons in Control For the past couple of weeks I’ve really had to take steps not to want to control people, places, and things. I’ve great reminders that I have control over no-thing! The first situation involves one of the persons I sponsor. I haven’t heard from her since the holidays began. While I hesitate to rush to judgment about what this means, I think I know what’s happened. She also went MIA during the Halloween and Thanksgiving holidays. I do my best to give the people I sponsor their space and dignity to work their programs. I am merely an instrument and guide. However, I am VERY annoyed that it’s been over a week and she has not returned my call or bothered to send me an email. I know it’s the dis-ease. We can do very hurtful, thoughtless, selfish, and destructive things to ourselves and others. Yesterday I found myself taking all this very personal. It’s not about me. I know she’s probably in a lot of pain and the best thing I can do is pray for her and wait for her to reach out.

The other one concerns my family. They are so out of control it’s not funny. I’m very frustrated with everyone in my family right now. The best thing I can do is distance myself a bit. There’s nothing I can do about any of it. I’m not even ready to start writing about what’s going on.

Then there’s my meditation group. I love my little sangha. As I was thinking about the things I’d like to contribute to the group, I really want everyone to be more disciplined about meditation and I think our discussions need more structure. I also want to get away from guided meditation. If we are saying we practice Vispassana meditation, we need to practice it correctly. Since attending the meditation retreat, I see how our group has many opportunities to improve. While I do not consider myself a meditation teacher, I do believe I can share what I’ve learn. Anyhow, I did less guiding in our meditation session last week. When I asked for feedback about the session, I learned some are not even meditating on a regular (I’m guilty too). Anyhow, all week I have been contemplating whether or not I’m going to bring this up during tonight’s meeting. I feel it’s important to say something. HOWEVER, I feel that part of my motivation is based in a need for control instead concern.

I am very grateful for the awareness I have about my need to control people, places, and things. I do think it’s hard to see opportunities and not what to see improvements in things. However, all I can do is focus my opportunities and areas of improvements. So, I will work on my program so that I am a spiritually fit sponsor, I will stop taking inventory of my family members, and I will continue working on my meditation practice and lead by example.

Motivational Monday

Chips

Well, this year is certainly off to a rocky start! My stomach was upset all day today and all I wanted to smoothe whatever is troubling me is a huge bag of potato chips. I've been abstinent for over two years and these cravings and urges still hit me like a Mack truck! I did what any willing compulsive overeater would do. I reached out to my sponsor and told her what I was thinking. I believe as long as I'm honest and tell my sponsor what I'm plotting it makes it more difficult to follow through with my thoughts. My sponsor helps me stay accountable to my program. I am so grateful for the willingness to do the right thing. I am bound and determined to get to my healthy goal weight this year. The only way I'm going to get there is by being honest and working the steps. More than anything else staying abstinent is about my spiritual fitness in addition to my physical fitness. The only chips I will have are my OA chips. I'm looking forward to getting my 3-years chip in October!

Monkey Mind

I really wonder what the Universe is trying to say. I don’t know if this is a test or what!?! Yesterday was a pretty rough day after that dream about my ex. Today has been great. I thought I lost my Fitbook but someone left it at the desk at the gym. Hooray! I was elated! I was off this morning to go to the lab for bloodwork and run some errands. I stayed on plan and didn’t stop to eat out. Yay! Now, I'm working this afternoon and I receive an email from someone with the same first and last name as my ex. WTF! The mind is all over the place! I thought I’d done all the forgiveness and release from resentment work that I needed to do…in fact, I have been feeling pretty neutral about the past … until that dream. I guess there’s more work to do. Going to meditate on this….

What a Nightmare!

Today got off to a yucky start. I had such a horrible dream about my ex. This cloud of sadness has been hovering over me all day. I am grateful I haven’t turned to food or sugar for comfort. Instead, I shared how I was feeling with my sponsor (huge for me) and I had a great workout at the gym. I pray my ex is okay. I acknowledge that I wish we were friends and accept that it is not a good idea. I also take this as a good opportunity to practice not creating extra stories. It was just a dream. I also pray that if something is going on with my ex that God will take care of it.

New Year, New Action Plan

Happy New Year! Today I made a second attempt at my new eating out action plan. I’m happy to say I was able to eat half of my meal and put the other half in a to-go box. I also ordered a side salad. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. In fact, I’m really having a hard time right now. I want to go into the kitchen and eat the other half! Instead, I decided I would do some writing … maybe I’ll uncover something. It’s not like I’m still hungry. I'm fine. I think there’s something about eating out that triggers the compulsive overeater in me. Let's face it, I like to eat out. I prefer eating out to eating at home. It’s taken me a while, a long while, to get used to having most of my meals at home. So I think just the idea of restaurant food triggers something in me. As I was driving home, I thought about how great I felt considering I didn’t my entire meal. This was proof positive that I can be okay with eating less food than I am currently consuming. Plus, it’s almost a given that most restaurant portions are enough for two or three people. So, even though I’m still obsessing about that to-go box sitting in my kitchen, I am very grateful to God and my sponsor for all the help I have in maintaining my abstinence. As I begin the new year, I have set the intention that I would like to end the year at my healthy weight. There's no way I will reach that go if I choose my self-will and go in the kitchen and touch that box! If it's going to be that big of a deal, I'm just going to have to put it in the trash!