Nine Months!

Wow! I've never been pregnant but I guess this is what it feels like to take care of a baby growing inside you. I must admit I'm not sure if I've done a very good job.

The last couple of days have been really rough.

More friction with my sponsor. She sent me a scathing email. While she admits that it's her CD that cause her to react the way she does, I admit that I'm a bit impatient with it. I have my own CD's so I cannot judge, even this is exactly what I find myself doing.

I was reading about insight meditation yesterday and there was a discussion about how the middle way. It's basically the path of moderation. This is where I want to be in my recovery. Not so rigid in my program that I am not enjoying life and not so slack that I am in relapse.

However, I need to be sure it is not just my dis-eased way of thinking. The test for me is my willingness. Am I willing to do whatever it takes? The answer is yes. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes for me. This is where judgement rears its ugly head. If I have been willing to do something my sponsor has asked of me, it doesn't mean it necessarily has to work for me. I also feel I have a right to stop doing it -- as long as it is in keeping with the principles and traditions of OA. After all, there is the saying: take what you need and save the rest for later.

So there you have it.

Today I pray for peace and abstinent for all my OA fellows. I am grateful to all who have helped me to make it to this milestone, especially my sponsor.

Fear of Success

Well, today I am working on Day 260 of abstinence. Earlier this week my sponsor asked me to take a look at the calendar because she thought I had reached nine months. Knowing this is making me a little anxious. I am doing my best to stay present.

This morning I shared at the meeting (and later with my sponsor) how I have a fear, not only of failure, but of success. I remember how my sponsor always advises me to focus on the effort, not the outcome. So, for today, I will only focus only on today. Day 260 is no different than Day 1 of my abstinent. I will work my program to the best of my ability and leave the rest to my Higher Power.

No Magic Pill

Yesterday one of my coworkers asked me what I was doing to “rock the weight loss.” My first reaction was shock. Even though I’ve released 77 pounds, I still do not see it the way others do. In fact, I couldn’t believe the reaction I received during my trip home.

I know I’m going off on a tangent…I am not really aware of just how much weight I’ve released until I do things like fit into an airplane seat, try on a favorite piece of clothing that no longer fits, or have someone tell me how great I look.

I really think part of me is in just as much denial about how much weight I’ve released as in how much weight I had gained over the years. I still need to work on staying connected to my body.

Now, back to my coworker…when I shared that I was exercising and had joined OA, she seemed a bit disappointed. We’ve worked together for about 11 years and I’ve noticed her weight go up and down. I know she’s tried a number of diets. This has not been my experience but part of me can still relate to wanting there so be some magic solution.

I thought about how OA is a program of attraction, not promotion. I prayed that she will see how well OA is working for me and that maybe it is something that could work for her. In fact, I see how anyone can look at me while there is no magic pill, there is hope.

1. As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

I first have to deal with the first part of this question: looking with complete honesty at my life. For the past year, it has been very challenging for me to see how I have been in denial about a lot of things. This has been a very huge blow to my ego and pride. While there were a number of things I was in obvious denial about, I am now dealing with more subtle ways I continue to be in denial. So, with that said, I can move on.
The first way I have acted irrationally is in seeking comfort in food. It’s is so contradictory because as a COE excess food only offer discomfort.
Another way is isolation. Now that I have a greater sense of awareness, I see how I isolated from people so I could indulge in my food behaviors. There were many times I chose to stay home alone so I could eat rather than hang out with friends. I remember being hesitant to go places when I wasn’t sure when or if I was going to be able to eat. I preferred eating alone. The food tasted better and I could enjoy it even better if I was in the privacy of my home.
This isolation began early. I remember in my teens eating before or after my family because I wanted to eat alone. I would also ask my mother if I could eat in my bedroom. I guess she thought it was normal teenage behavior but I now think it was the beginning of isolating with food.
I think the most irrational and self-destructive thing I did was continue to eat when I wasn’t hungry or when certain foods were making me sick. I remember eating until I got diarrhea. I’d go to the bathroom, and then continue to eat. It makes me so sad to know what I was doing to my body.

On Vacation

Well, I am on vacation. Today when I logged off my computer I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Hell, being on vacation meant it was time to pig out and eat a bunch of junk food.

First, there was the sadness that I am on vacation alone this year. It’s going to take some getting used to. Second, I understand food wasn’t going to be a central part either. No partner. No junk food. Boy, oh, boy. What am I going to do?

My sponsor and I came up with an action plan last night. I hate keeping food logs. I normally don’t have to submit my food to my sponsor…just yes or no that I followed my plan. However, I do feel it is important for me to be very concise about what I am going to be eating. So, I am going to submit my food and/or take a photo of it and text it to her. Yikes!

Now, this is in addition to bookending my meals. I also need to attend at least one face-to-face meeting during my vacation. Haha! It appears there is no vacation from being a compulsive overeater.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

Well, this is a great question. For the most part, I was under the impression I was in touch with my feelings. I do not believe in false cheerfulness. I do not believe in hiding my feelings. If I’m sad, I’m sad. If I’m mad, you will know it. However, I now see how I managed my feelings by numbing them out with food. I used food to cope with disappointment and loneliness as a teen. In adulthood, I used food to cope with stress. As a student, I would eat and study. As a professional, I would eat and work. Munching kept me alert and awake.

During my previous relationship, I gained over 100 pounds. For the record, I accept full responsibility for my COE. However, I am now convinced that the weight gain was directly related to how I managed the stress of that relationship. While I believed I was happy in the relationship, I can see how tolerated certain situations by numbing out with food. The fact that my ex also loved to eat as much as I did indirectly contributed to my dis-ease too.

I used food to help me deal with my feelings so I would not experience them as intensely as they presented themselves.

So, the answer to the question is “no.” I was under the illusion I was in touch with my feelings. Now that I have been abstinent for almost eight months, I uncovered a tremendous amount of anger and resentment.

Here is a First Step Inventory of my Compulsive Eating History

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am going through the steps again with my sponsor. I completed Step Zero earlier this week. I am starting to work my way through the 12-step Workbook for Overeater's Anonymous.

I would say my compulsive eating started in my early teens. Up until 12 years old, I was underweight. I did not adjust well to adolescence and turned to food for comfort. I spent a lot of time babysitting my younger brothers and sister because my mother returned to school. I was responsible for preparing meals twice a week. Truthfully, I resented this responsibility. I wanted to be able to hang out with my friends after school. Instead, I had to rush home and prepare dinner.

I started experimenting with different recipes in order to cheer myself up and make the task less boring. I also developed an interest in baking. So, I cooked and ate. There were times I would have a full meal before I served dinner and would eat with the rest of the family. I started gaining weight and this isolated me even further from my peers. I was the fat, folly girl. From high school through grad school, my weight fluctuated between 170 to 210 pounds.

I continued to use food as a comfort and escape from my emotions throughout high school, college, and grad school.

I only made a few attempts to diet throughout my life. In my late 20s I tried Deal-A-Meal and most recently I tried Medifast. Although I was “heavy,” my weight did not “interfere” with my life until my 40s. I began having a number of obesity-related illnesses: Diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, and hypothyroidism. At my highest, I weighed 320 pounds. It wasn’t until I learned I had severe sleep apnea that I could no longer deny that food was destroying my life and my health. I couldn’t even walk around the block. When I tried to stop eating, I learned that I needed more than willpower to help me overcome my problem.