Decision Time - Part II

4. How do I feel about completely turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

This is still a challenge for me. I know it is because of my previous belief system about how God works in my life. There is also a huge part of me that has been so disappointed in the past when I did ask for guidance and felt I did not get it. I know that my HP was not the problem and that I was not able to receive the guidance correctly because I was not in my right mind.

5. Do I have eating guidelines? Will I ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day? Explain.

Yes. There are certain foods I have decided to avoid. Another guideline is portion control. I also try to keep my calories within a certain range. I have to admit I do not always ask God for the willingness to live within these guidelines. There are days I take it for granted that I will be abstinent. I do pray before my meals and express gratitude for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinent for all COEs.

There are days, I resent my eating guidelines. I hate all the measuring. Lately I have been sloppy with my portions. When I get like this, I go back to foods I know I can eat without measuring because I have eaten them so often and know the portion without having to measure.

6. If occasionally the obsession returns, how do I get through these times without overeating?

Lately I have been eliminating the amount of food I keep in my apartment. The best thing for me to do is bookend my meals with my sponsor reminding myself that I am done with my meal. I will also avoid situations when I am not sure I can follow my program. I will eat my meal at home before going to a social event.

7. How do I reach the decision to turn my will and life over to a Higher Power?

I do this by reminding myself how powerless I am over food and how my life became unmanageable. I also remind myself how much better I feel when I do surrender.

Decision Time

OA Workbook Questions – Step Three

1. In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?
This has a tough one for me. I struggle with “weight loss is not our only goal.” I have been willing to accept that my body may not be meant to be as small as I’d like it to be. I am also accepting that what is “normal” eating for someone else may not be “normal” eating for me.
As far as body image, I recently noticed that I have a distorted image of my body. I was totally unaware of this fact. Before OA, I thought I was smaller than my actual body size. Now that I have been abstinent and lost some weight, I learned I believe I am bigger than my current body size. More than anything, I want to adopt an accurate body image and no that my ideal body size is one that reflects good health and not vanity.

2. What has my attitude been about food and eating?
Before OA, I was totally obsessed with food and eating. If I wasn’t eating, I was thinking about food. If I wasn’t thinking about food, I was eating. I also watching shows on The Food Network was a hobby.

3. Am I ready to give up self-will regarding food? Explain.
In all honesty, I still do not think I am ready to give up self-will, not completely. I say “not completely” because I continue to give up my self-will and then take it back continually. Even though it hasn’t gotten to the point of a relapse, I recognize that it is a problem. One of my OA friends share the following that I really find helpful: I rely on Higher Power, not will power. This saying has really stuck with me because I have a tendency to rely on my will power when I really should surrender to my Higher Power.

Insanity!

5. How have I not acted sanely when:

c. I was more comfortable with food than with people?

I could probably write an entire book considering this question. Isolation was/is huge for me! I could say I’ve had a love affair with food. I enjoyed planning and cooking meals. I enjoy the meal preparation much more than enjoying the meal with others or the actual entertaining.
I don’t like eating in a large crowd of people. In fact, I prefer eating alone. I enjoy my food much better when I eat alone. For the most part, I have always been this way. As a child, I wanted to eat my meals before or after my family. When I was a teenager, I would often eat alone in my room.

d. I limited my social life?

As I’ve shared before, I have been hesitant to go I when and if I didn’t feel I would have control over when and where I would be eating my meals. At times, I would rather sit home alone and enjoy my trigger foods than go out with friends. I can remember turning down invitations because I was planning a binge.

e. I drew the drapes, disconnected the telephone, and hid in the house?

There was a short time in my life when I did this. Looking back, I thought a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was mourning. I quit my job. I had a terrible Internet addiction at the time. I remember one time my friend came over to check on me because she hadn’t heard from me and I wasn’t returning her calls. I had been engaged in a weekend binge and chat room marathon. I remember I wouldn’t let her in because there were potato chip, pizza, and Haagen Das containers that I did not want her to see.

Nine Months!

Wow! I've never been pregnant but I guess this is what it feels like to take care of a baby growing inside you. I must admit I'm not sure if I've done a very good job.

The last couple of days have been really rough.

More friction with my sponsor. She sent me a scathing email. While she admits that it's her CD that cause her to react the way she does, I admit that I'm a bit impatient with it. I have my own CD's so I cannot judge, even this is exactly what I find myself doing.

I was reading about insight meditation yesterday and there was a discussion about how the middle way. It's basically the path of moderation. This is where I want to be in my recovery. Not so rigid in my program that I am not enjoying life and not so slack that I am in relapse.

However, I need to be sure it is not just my dis-eased way of thinking. The test for me is my willingness. Am I willing to do whatever it takes? The answer is yes. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes for me. This is where judgement rears its ugly head. If I have been willing to do something my sponsor has asked of me, it doesn't mean it necessarily has to work for me. I also feel I have a right to stop doing it -- as long as it is in keeping with the principles and traditions of OA. After all, there is the saying: take what you need and save the rest for later.

So there you have it.

Today I pray for peace and abstinent for all my OA fellows. I am grateful to all who have helped me to make it to this milestone, especially my sponsor.

Fear of Success

Well, today I am working on Day 260 of abstinence. Earlier this week my sponsor asked me to take a look at the calendar because she thought I had reached nine months. Knowing this is making me a little anxious. I am doing my best to stay present.

This morning I shared at the meeting (and later with my sponsor) how I have a fear, not only of failure, but of success. I remember how my sponsor always advises me to focus on the effort, not the outcome. So, for today, I will only focus only on today. Day 260 is no different than Day 1 of my abstinent. I will work my program to the best of my ability and leave the rest to my Higher Power.

No Magic Pill

Yesterday one of my coworkers asked me what I was doing to “rock the weight loss.” My first reaction was shock. Even though I’ve released 77 pounds, I still do not see it the way others do. In fact, I couldn’t believe the reaction I received during my trip home.

I know I’m going off on a tangent…I am not really aware of just how much weight I’ve released until I do things like fit into an airplane seat, try on a favorite piece of clothing that no longer fits, or have someone tell me how great I look.

I really think part of me is in just as much denial about how much weight I’ve released as in how much weight I had gained over the years. I still need to work on staying connected to my body.

Now, back to my coworker…when I shared that I was exercising and had joined OA, she seemed a bit disappointed. We’ve worked together for about 11 years and I’ve noticed her weight go up and down. I know she’s tried a number of diets. This has not been my experience but part of me can still relate to wanting there so be some magic solution.

I thought about how OA is a program of attraction, not promotion. I prayed that she will see how well OA is working for me and that maybe it is something that could work for her. In fact, I see how anyone can look at me while there is no magic pill, there is hope.

1. As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

I first have to deal with the first part of this question: looking with complete honesty at my life. For the past year, it has been very challenging for me to see how I have been in denial about a lot of things. This has been a very huge blow to my ego and pride. While there were a number of things I was in obvious denial about, I am now dealing with more subtle ways I continue to be in denial. So, with that said, I can move on.
The first way I have acted irrationally is in seeking comfort in food. It’s is so contradictory because as a COE excess food only offer discomfort.
Another way is isolation. Now that I have a greater sense of awareness, I see how I isolated from people so I could indulge in my food behaviors. There were many times I chose to stay home alone so I could eat rather than hang out with friends. I remember being hesitant to go places when I wasn’t sure when or if I was going to be able to eat. I preferred eating alone. The food tasted better and I could enjoy it even better if I was in the privacy of my home.
This isolation began early. I remember in my teens eating before or after my family because I wanted to eat alone. I would also ask my mother if I could eat in my bedroom. I guess she thought it was normal teenage behavior but I now think it was the beginning of isolating with food.
I think the most irrational and self-destructive thing I did was continue to eat when I wasn’t hungry or when certain foods were making me sick. I remember eating until I got diarrhea. I’d go to the bathroom, and then continue to eat. It makes me so sad to know what I was doing to my body.