Work In Progress

 

There’s more work to be done.  Lately I have been having HUGE urges to binge.  I’ve been craving potato chips like crazy.  Last week was a really rough week for me.  I had at least three incidents of crying for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I think I started putting my finger on what’s going on with me.  A few weeks I saw a Facebook post my ex made to a mutual friend.  She mentioned that she was shopping for Christmas ornaments.  Resentment reared its ugly head.  There was a part of me that is so disgusted with her.  First of all, how many fucking ornaments do you needs? (Really none of my business)  Second, now that you’re greedy ass is buy more ornaments, can I have my mother’s and grandmother’s ornaments back!!!!! 

Yesterday, after hiking, we stopped by this little café that had a gift shop.  When I saw all the beautiful ornaments, I had this feeling that I wanted to cry.  This is when it all made sense to me.  I know those things are long gone but I guess deep down, now that the holidays are around the corner, I am mourning the loss of those things…and my mother.  I’m kind of pissed at myself because I thought this was resolved and I’d let it go.

Also, last night during a conversation, my cousin said someone asked about me and then asked about my ex.  He said he told her that I rarely mention ex these days.  I thought, yeah, that’s true but I still think about her.

The other day I was reading something (and I wished I’d bookmarked it) that said that if you, as an addict, find yourself questioning why a person behaves a certain way then it’s time to take a fourth step inventory.  In general, this statement really struck me.  Today when I was meditating, this statement reappeared when I was thinking about the reappearance of my thoughts about my ex and resentment.  I have to remind myself that she is a sick person.  Who knows why it was so important for her to do the things she did?  What’s more important is that I’m still suffering and in pain about something that happened over two years ago.  I must accept that she doesn’t give a shit.  I have my own sickness to do with.  I’m sure there are things that I did that hurt her.  Even though my actions may not have been as deliberate, I have a hand in this matter and it’s the only one I have any say over.

So, I will continue to work on dropping the rope, letting go of resentment, and forgiving her and myself.  I am also very grateful to know where these feelings are coming from so I can work on healing.

 

One Day at a Time

Having a really rough day today. I've had to resort to using my measuring cups and spoons to make sure I don't overeat today.  Part of me feels so defeated when I have to measure my food.  It is what it is. I am very grateful for the willingness to do the footwork.  I am also very frustrated with myself.  Why, oh, why am I craving potato chips?  I haven't had them in over two years and yet I have been thinking about them all week!!!!!  UGH!!!!!!!

All I can do is take it one day at a time.  For today, I will work my program.  I am powerless over food!

Humility

At yesterday’s meeting we read the 11^th tradition in the OA 12 + 12.  I’ve read this tradition several times but yesterday was the first time the tradition really clicked for me.  In addition to placing principles over personalities, the tradition is also about humility and spiritual fitness.  On page 196 it says, Humility is one of the essentials qualities we must develop in order to recover from compulsive eating.  Maintaining our anonymity at the level of the public media is one way in which we practice humility.  It’s one way in which we let go of personal ambition in order to keep ourselves in fit spiritual condition.

This passage really hit me yesterday.  As someone who has spent most of her life driven by self-will and ego, I can truly testify that working the steps has brought me a tremendous amount of peace and serenity.  While I can be fiercely competitive, I can now do this without the need to shine or stand out.  I do my best to think of “we” instead of “I.”  Living this way is so liberating.

I have also found that that things work out.  A great example of this happened a few weeks ago.  During our quarterly departmental meeting, I was recognized for my work on the Social Media team.  It was totally unexpected.  The truth is I can’t tell you how many times I was angry and upset over the past years that I did not receive a recognition award when I had worked my butt off trying to be recognized.  Sometimes I did receive an award, but the times I did not I was totally resentful about it.  I can’t tell you the last time I thought about receiving one of those awards and this one just fell in my lap. 

I know my abstinence is due to the hard work of others.  While I do the footwork, I do have many people who have support me – the people in my meetings, the people who lead the meetings, my sponsor, and all my OA buddies who I listen to me.  There is no way I could do this alone so I can’t take all the credit.  I also can’t think only of my recovery when there are so many others who are still suffering.  A few days ago someone posted something on Facebook that really spoke to me:

 

Insight Meditation

It’s been one week since I returned from my meditation retreat.  I’m still having trouble articulating what I experienced.  I’m having lunch with two people from my meditation group this afternoon so we can discuss it.

First of all, I am very proud of myself for going through the experience.  It wasn’t easy.  It also wasn’t as hard as I expected.  I did my best to stick to the schedule and do what I was told.  Meditating for 8 to 10 hours a day is no joke!  Being silent gives you no choice but to either observe your thoughts or participate with them.  I did a bit of both.  Days three and six were the worst.  In fact, on day 6, I participated with my thoughts so much I started hallucinating! It was wild!

I did gain some wonderful information that will help me with my meditation practice.  I also fully understand the Vipassana meditation technique and it confirmed that this is my preferred meditation technique.  The whole mind-body connection resonates with me.

I also gained some insights about myself.  The first one was that while I do have some awareness it is the subtle things I need to pay attention to.  In fact, I know this was a major opportunity in my previous relationship.  I let those subtle things go by that would have alerted me to my ex’s character (and possible mental illness).  I also realize I have a lot of self-doubt about what I truly believe.  My belief system has been so shaken and challenged over the past two years.  The last thing I started realizing right before going to the retreat is working on surrounding myself with like-minded people.  The more I surround myself with loving, supportive people, the more peaceful my life can become.

Tools of Recovery

I’m leaving for the silent 10-day meditation retreat in two days.  While I’m a bit nervous about it, I’m so looking forward to getting away for a while.  I’m tired and I do need to unplug.  I’m also sick of hearing about this election stuff.  I want to be an informed voter and actively engaged in the democratic progress.  However, I have to admit that lately it is causing anxiety.  I have to make sure I maintain as much calm in my life as possible.  Things have been pretty emotional lately.  I’ve been filled with self-pity.

It’s so true that keeping things in perspective is helpful.  Last night I had dinner with a friend.  We met in a plus-size yoga class years ago.  She was giving me a compliment about completing a 5K and my weight loss.  She has not been doing so well with her eating and weight.  She’s attended a few OA meetings with me but it’s just not her thing.  I would say she’s gained over 100 pounds since we’ve met.  I would guess she weighs over 400 pounds.

I wish there was a way I could support her more.  She started crying about not being about to control her eating.  I did my best to comfort her.  I told her the bottom line for me, when I reached 320 pounds, was that I just decided I couldn’t do it any longer.  I wanted my life and my health back.  I know it’s a scary thing but the fear about the road to recovery is not as great as the fear of being fat and sick all the time…at least for me.  Not really sure what I’m trying to say.  I guess what it all boils down to is that we have to come to that space for ourselves.  Until we do, we are in denial.  When we say we want to change, do we really mean it?  Are we ready to get down and dirty?  Or, are we still waiting for that magic pill?

I suspect my dear friend is still waiting for that magic pill. I can’t say I blame her.  It’s scary.  It’s hard.  I am no way near where I’d like to be and I know there’s still more digging I could and need to do.  There are days I feel like giving up.  There are days I do not give it my all. However, the bottom line is that it can be done.  I’m more afraid of what’s behind me than I am about what’s ahead of me.  Truth is…all I have to do is take it one day at a time.  We all can be shown the tools we need to get the job done but it’s up to us to do the work.

Retreat

This time next week I will be on my way to a 10-day silent meditation retreat.  I am so anxious.  Of course the compulsive overeater in me is worry about the food.  Will I get enough to eat?  What will they serve?  Will I like the food?  Whenever I travel, I feel this anxiousness about meals.   I know I will be out of my routine.  As my anxiety level rises, so do my cravings to binge.  Thankfully, this is a meditation retreat and all I will be doing in focusing on the present moment while learning to let go of all these types of attachments. 

This retreat is apparently popular within the 12-step community.  One of the guys in my meditation group, who is also in AA, told me about this retreat. He has been encouraging me to attend.   When I was at an OA retreat this spring, someone at dinner mentioned it.  I do find this comforting and confirming.  It’s not like I’m going to this place totally blind.  I’ve had the opportunity to chat with at least two people who are familiar with the retreat.  The guy in my meditation group was able to give me some very helpful advice:  request a cushion against the wall, bring your own water bottle, and pack some Advil for your back. 

I am really worried about my health.  My back hurts and I think I’m coming down with a cold.  I’m planning to get a flu shot tomorrow.  I wanted to get an adjustment today but my chiropractor is on vacation! Ugh!  Take a deep breath! Today I made up my mind if I’m not feeling better over the weekend. I am going to have to give up my spot at the retreat.  I’m praying for the best. 

Cravings and Closure

I’ve been a little off for a couple of days.  I’ve been having MAJOR cravings.  Sunday I seriously considered buying a box of Crunch and Munch.  So, yesterday, my sponsor asked me what I thought was triggering the cravings.  I didn’t have an answer for her. 

Today I have my speculations.  If it’s what I think it is, I’m so disappointed in myself.  I honestly thought I had moved on.  But…it is what it is.  I have to be honest with myself and face my feelings.  I have no control over them.  Anyhow, Friday when I was picking up my race packet I started feeling this overwhelming sense of panic.  I was within a mile or two of my ex’s place of employment.  I had this irrational sense of terror that I was going to somehow run into her.  It was bad!

Then, to top it off, the next day, due to the course change, we had to go by her previous place of employment.  I felt that same sense of terror and panic.  There was a huge part of me that wanted to stop right there in the middle of the street and start crying.  Why?  I really don’t know.  The best part was that it did help me maintain my pace.  I was tired and really wanted to stop.  However, I just kept running right past that building. 

This is crazy! I can’t spend my life avoiding certain parts of the city because they remind me of my ex!  I also can’t drown my feelings in boxes of Crunch and Munch!  This morning all I wanted to do was rush to the store and buy a box.  So, I’ll do the next best thing! Pray, meditate, write, and sweat it out!  Sweat therapy! I love it!  My back is still bothering me so I’m staying away from running.  I probably shouldn’t have tried to run on Saturday but it was very important to me to participate.  It will eventually pass.  This feelings will eventually pass.

I’m so looking forward to my retreat next week.  I am setting the intention right now that I can release these feelings and get closure once and for all.