Resentment

I wanted to write a little something about the resentment I've been feeling toward my sponsor.  I've been praying and meditating about it and finally received some guidance.  Thank you, Spirit!

Anyhow, I'm working on a Fourth Step Inventory and I feel so much better about it already.

I remember hearing someone at a meeting say, "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I’m ready

How many times have you heard someone say “I’m ready” when they really weren’t?  It was a way of stalling.  This is the difference between saying I’m ready to have my defect removed and being ready.  Actions speak louder than words. 

I was reading in the OA 12 + 12 that one of the main reason we say we’re ready versus actually being ready is fear.  Change is scary.  However, I’m in a space right now in my life that I am not afraid of change.  I want to change and I will do anything to get there.

120 Days!

With the grace of God, my sponsor, the steps, and my OA friends, I have been abstinent for 120 days!  I am so grateful for my abstinence.  I cannot express how good it feels to be in this space right now.  In addition, I am at the lowest weight I've been in five years.  This morning I weighed in at 236 pounds.  Even though OA is not a weight loss program, this is one of its many blessings. 

I'm not going to fool myself.  I must continue to stay the course, do the footwork, and take it one day at a time.  Abstinence is the most important thing in my life.  I will do what it takes to maintain it and treat it with respect.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I will always be a compulsive overeater.  I am powerless over food.

Keeping My Side of the Street Clean

This situation with my sponsor has really been bugging me.

I’ve thinking this situation really isn’t good for my self-esteem.  After all, who wants a sponsor who won’t even speak with you on the telephone?  I was falling into victim mentality.  It’s so like me to want to be a martyr.  I am not a victim!  I refuse to allow this negativity into my consciousness!  New sponsor or not…the common denominator is me.  My job is to take my own inventory.  My job is to take care of myself and make sure I keep my side of the street clean.  If I am doing this to the best of my ability, I have done all I can do. 

This morning I realized I’ve been here before -- me feeling like I’m to blame for everything; me feeling like the other person does not feel like she at fault at all in a situation; me feeling like my perspective was not even considered. It does take two.  I used to feel like a monster when I felt my ex misunderstood me.  Is this a pattern?  Perhaps.  It certainly feels like it.  Whatever it is, I know there is an opportunity for growth.

Anyhow, I plan to continue doing my check-ins with my sponsor while praying for guidance, praying for humility, praying for answers. If a new sponsor is in order, I know God will direct me to her.  After all, I wasn’t even looking for a sponsor when I found my current one. 

Monster

I’m thinking I may need to find a new sponsor.  I really don’t know why things seem to get screwed up between us.  Last night, I was attending an online meeting.  My sponsor was also there.  She sent me a private message to say hello.  I responded.  She joked back.  I sent her a quick response.  She then sent me another message saying she was joking.  I said fine or cool or something along those lines.  I admit I was a bit annoyed because I was trying to pay attention to the meeting.  I really wasn’t mad at her.  So, I replied with … could we chat later because I’m trying to focus on the meeting. 

Well, she felt hurt and disrespected.  It wasn’t my intention.  In fact, she sent me an email later on that evening that no one in her life treats her the way I do.  I can’t even express how sad I felt when I read this.

I feel awful because I truly love and adore my sponsor and I’m sorry she feels this way.  I do see things from her perspective.  I know I could have handled things differently.  In fact, apparently the phone call I wrote about the other day was perceived totally different by her.  I thought I was being respectful by keeping my mouth shut and letting her talk.  I thought I was demonstrating humility and being open. Well, she felt I thought she was being a bother.

So, she goes on to say she’s not mad at me and that I should continue checking in via text and email but she doesn’t think she can talk to me on the phone for a while.  While I respect her wishes and am trying very hard not to make it about me, I feel like some monster or something. 

I am by no means saying I am perfect and I know I can be difficult when I'm in a rotten mood but this whole situation, from my perspective, was totally miscontrued.  I have been thinking how I could have handled it differently.  I could have taken more time to explain that I wanted to talk later.  Even though I understand where she's coming from, I do not feel the same in return. I need help and support.  I do not need more problems.

My Resistance to Step Five

I am a private person.  I don’t like talking about myself.  Step Five scared me.  Not only did I have to admit my wrongdoing with myself, I also had to share them with another person?  WTH???

I was not happy about the fact that I had to share my Step Four inventory with someone else.  Although I absolutely adore my sponsor and knew she was not going to judge me,  I really wanted to skip over this step.  I hate feeling out of control.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  I’m not very good with sharing my thoughts and feelings. 

It was very hard admitting to another person some things about myself and things that I had done that no one else knew about.  Not only were my deep dark secrets written down, now, I had to confess them to someone else.  I was very resistant to this process. 

The truth was that not wanting to share had nothing to do with my privacy or shyness.  It had everything to do with my ego, my pride, and my arrogance.  I didn’t want to admit to myself and to someone else that I had not been perfect.  I did not want to admit I had lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, used, and had not lived up to the mask and façade I wear and present to the world.

Let go my Ego

Step Four -- making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  This is rough.  I did not realize, until I started working Step Four, how much I like to blame on others.  I like to play the victim and the martyr.  On the surface, I’m pretty good about being accountable for my stuff.  What I didn’t realize, it that, sometimes, I have contributed to the so-called harm and wrongs I feel others have inflicted upon me.  Step Four has helped me to see my part.

This has not been easy for me.  I really wasn’t aware that I like to play the victim.  I thought I was just being nice to some people who decided to walk all over me.  Well, in some cases, I handed them the door mat.

Looking on the outside, I am this quiet, shy, introvert.  Well, on the outside I am a raging, arrogant, egomaniac.  So, the answer to today’s question is my ego.  This is what keeps me from making a searching and fearless inventory.  When I am forced to look at myself, I do not like what I see.  I pray for the courage to look at myself.

***

My sponsor just called me about 30 minutes and gave me an earful.  I didn't check in other night.  Not because I forgot.  I just said, f**k it! I haven't attended a face to face meeting in over three weeks.  I've attended a few online meetings but I haven't stayed the entire time and I haven't shared.  She talked.  I listened.  This was huge for me because we've butted heads before.  But, I promised myself the last time we butted heads that I was going to respect her as my sponsor and remain open and teachable. I know she's right.  I'm started to isolate.  I am drifting a bit from my program. 

Part of me was pissed as I sat there holding the phone.  I was thinking, what else do you f**ckin' want from me?  I'm not f**ckin' eating!  Leave me alone!  I've been abstinent for almost four months.  Who cares if I don't go to f**kin' meetings and share?

But, I know that's the dis-ease and my ego talking.  The truth is my sponsors cares and I should too.  I've heard someone say there are many steps before a relapse.  Starting to skip meetings, avoid sharing and checking in with my sponsor are steps leading me to relapse, not recovery.  This is not the direction for me.

Last week my therapist asked me, what  I  was so afraid of looking at.  At the time I said, I don't know.  Well, the truth is I am afraid of looking at myself.  Well, I need to get my ego in check, pick up the magnifying glass, and do the work.

Vanity versus Sanity



There are so many valuable lessons to learn from working the steps.  One of the first lessons I learned is willingness.  I learned how to be willing to be teachable.  This was very challenging.  Although I consider myself a very good student, this was different from anything I've ever had to learn.

The first thing I found hard to grasp is that OA was not about weight loss.  "We are not a weight loss program," it says in some of the literature.  I also found it difficult to wrap my arms around that fact that compulsive overeating really wasn't about the food.  Eating, the food, is simply the symptom. 

Through step 3, I become willing to adopt a new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating.  Truthfully, I am still working on this one.    There's a slogan members like to say...I came for the vanity and stayed for the sanity.

At first I really didn't understand what it meant.  I knew they meant they came into the program to lose (or gain or maintain) weight but then stayed because of other reasons.  Once I understood OA is a spiritual program, I understood the meaning of this slogan.  I came into OA to lose weight but instead stayed because I found freedom from the insanity of compulsive overeating. 

I eat to live, not live to eat.  I go to the gym and exercise because it keeps my stress level down.  It also feels good.  Exercising is helping not only my body but my spirit and my mind.  I see myself as a whole person now.  I treat myself as a whole person.  I attend to my mind, my body, and my spirit on a daily basis. 

Now, this is not to say that I still do not want to lost weight...because I do.  I just have a new attitude about how to get there.  It's not about dieting.  It's about making lifestyle changes.

Celebrate Recovery!

Hello!  My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

Before I post my response to an OA workbook question, I wanted to blog for a bit about my recovery.  I've spent the past couple of days looking at my past.  I felt myself getting down in the dumps so this morning I had to remind myself about what I have accomplished.

Today I have been abstinent 114 days!  I also started daily exercise.  I'm on Day 23.  My goal is to exercise every day this year.  I recently set a personal record.  I can now do 45 minutes of cardio.  Yesterday when I was at the gym, I remember when I could barely do 5 minutes of cardio.  This is when I started thinking about how I need to be more diligent about positive self talk. 

Anyhow, working through the Workbook is definitely bringing up a lot of emotions for me.  I'm so used to running away from my emotions.  I am proud of myself for having the courage to look at myself and change.

The other day someone at a meeting said he felt going through the steps while still compulsive overeating was a waste of time.  Now, I don't know about that but I do know that it would be much more difficult for me to go through these questions if I wasn't abstinent. 

I have so much clarity on mind, body, and spirit right now.  My life is much more peaceful.  I am filled with so much gratitude these day.  So far, I've released 70 pounds.  Thank you, recovery!



Self-Destruction



When I look at complete honesty at my life, there is no way I could have been honest with myself and continued eating until I weighed over 300 pounds.  A few weeks ago my sponsor shared the following definition of denial with me - Don't Even kNow I Am Lying.

There's no way a person who eats cake, cookies, and cupcakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner can be healthy.  There's no way a person who can barely walk up a flight of stairs should be treating herself to a family size boxes of Crunch and Munch.  There's no way a type 2 Diabetic should be up at 2 in the morning baking chocolate chip cookies while eating potato chips.

This is called self destruction.  This is the extremely irrational behavior of a compulsive overeater.

My Compulsive Eating History - Part II

Okay, where did I leave off?  Let's see...

At 310 pounds, I found out I had type 2 Diabetes, Hypertension, High Cholestrol, Hypothyroidism, and Sleep Apena.

My trigger foods are:  Cake, cookies, cupcakes, cheesecake, Jelly Bellies, Crunch and Munch, and potato chips.  I love all things caramel and toffee.

I also did most of my eating at night. 

I eat because I'm stressed.  I eat to avoid dealing with my emotions and feelings.  I use food as a reward.



My Complusive Eating History



Oh God...where do I start.  As I have shared in my other blog, I was under to normal weight until I hit about 12 or 13.  This is when I started gaining weight.  Looking back, I eat because I was bored and frustrated. 

Being the oldest meant I took on a lot of adult responsibility...cooking...housework...you know name it.  As far as my parents were concerned, they had a built-in housekeeper and nanny.  So, part of me coping was to find some enjoyment out of my duties.  I cooked and tasted and baked and ate.  In fact, by the time I was in high school, I was probably doing most of the cooking, especially during the holidays.  My father even preferred my cooking to my mother's cooking...and she was a very good cook! 

Anyhow, I was eat a whole meal while cooking and then sit down with my family to eat again.  If a baked cookies, I would probably eat a dozen on my own. 

Because I was the oldest, I didn't hang out with my friends like a regular teenager.  So, I was at home eating and eating.  The more weight I gained the more I isolated.  When I did have the opportunity to hang out, I opted to stay home reading and snacking in my room.  This was my favorite pasttime.  A good book and a bunch of goodies.

During my senior year and through college, I weigh any where from 175 - 185.  During my late high school and college years, I developed this weird thing where I didn't like eating in front of others.   At home, I ate before or after my family.  If my mother was in a good mood, I could eat in my room.  In college, I didn't even get on the meal plan because I didn't want to eat in the dining hall.  I had a hot plate, fridge, and a toaster oven in my room.  I ate a lot of pasta and frozen pizza in college and grad school.  I stayed in the 180 range most of my 20's and 30's. 

When my mother passed in 1998, my eating became even worst.  This is when I really started bingeing.  I remember going from McDonald's to Taco Bell and then the grocery store for ice cream and snacks before going home for a feast.  I would eat and eat and eat until I got diarrhea.  By the time I knew it, I was 210.

This is when I met my ex.  Let's just say my ex loved to eat too.  So we ate and ate.  It was fun at first.  We used to joke that we were eating our way through Atlanta.  Then, things started getting bad and I started eating to deal with the stress of the relationship.  Often after we fought, my ex would bring home cake, Crunch and Munch, cookies, cheesecake, Jelly Bellies, or cupcakes as a peace offering.  I woke up one day and I weighed 310!

To be continued....

12-Step Workbook

Hello! My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.  I recently purchased the OA Workbook.  I plan to work through the book.  I am committed to doing some sort of step work each day and I believe working through this workbook will help keep me on track.

As stated in the introduction to the Workbook, the sole purpose is to guide my personal journey through the Steps.  I hope putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, so to speak, will help me gain some clarity on my dis-ease and recovery.  I also hope sharing my thoughts and feelings will help someone who stumbles upon this blog.

Sustained Effort

… it takes a sustained effort to apply its spiritual principles in every area of my life.

                                                                                    ~For Today, page 5

These words in today’s reading really jumped out at me.  So much so I took the time to look up the word “sustained” to expanded my understanding of the phrase.  Here’s what I noted:

-         to keep existence, maintain

-         to supply with necessities or nourishment

-         to support from below; keep from falling

-         to support the spirits, vitality, encourage

-         to affirm the validity of

-         to prove, confirm

Wow!  This word packs a lot of punch, huh?  What I understand is that my recovery is a living thing.  It is something that requires care or else it will die.  

A few weeks ago I read Step 12 in the OA 12 + 12.  While reading this, I wrote down all the spiritual principles gained from working it each step:

-         Step 1 – honesty

-         Step 2 – hope

-         Step 3 – faith

-         Step 4 – courage

-         Step 5 – integrity

-         Step 6 – willingness

-         Step 7 – humility

-         Step 8 – self –discipline

-         Step 9 – love

-         Step 10 – perseverance

-         Step 11 – spiritual awareness

-         Step 12 - service

I think of these spiritual principles as the fruit of the spirit.  This is the fruit that I will bear from tending my garden of recovery.  Now that I have 95 days abstinent, my work is not over.  I learned this week in my Big Book study group that recovered does not mean cured.  I will always be a compulsive overeater.  In order to keep my abstinence, in order to sustain it, I have to keep working the steps.  Someone at a meeting (where the topic was abstinence) referred to spiritual fitness and maintaining a healthy rhythm while working the steps.  For me, this is what a sustained effort is…maintaining a healthy rhythm.  This means balance…not too fast…not too slow…not skipping a beat. 

One Momemt At A Time

It feels great to begin the year abstinent.  I reached 90 days of abstinence on 12/30/10.  As much as I am happy and grateful, I’m so anxious.  I just sent my sponsor a text that I’m thinking about quitting or relapsing just to get rid of this feeling.  It reminds me of something I read that said COEs, like other addicts, always wanting instant results and solutions to their problems.  Only someone sick would or could make abstinence a problem. 

I'm doing so well.  I want to continue on this path yet there is fear.  Yes.  I am experiencing fear of success and fear of failure at the same time.  I just need to stop thinking about it and live one moment at a time.